A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

 

I wonder why is it that we weigh ourselves down under the burden of our own expectations. This is the question bothering me and making me sad. I feel that if I learnt to expect a little less from people, I would learn to make myself a little more happier. But, how do you do that? How do you expect less? I believe that we expect only from those who are close to us; I expect from my mother or brother, but I don’t expect from the lamppost down the road. In that sense, having expectations seems like a healthy sign. A sign that the bond is close enough for one to demand, or expect if you will. But, how do you manage expectations? How do you say how much expectation is good expectation and how much is unreasonable? Another thing is, what if different people have different levels or standards of expectation? I may be able to go catch the moon but what if you cannot? Am I not bearing you down by expecting you to go catch the moon because I easily can? But, looking at it the other way, if I can give you the moon, isn’t it only fair if I would also like to be given the moon? Then, if you cannot give me the moon, and, I feel let down, what do I do? How do I manage my expectation? Do I give less and expect less? And how does one do that? Isn’t that almost like saying, give more and expect more? Can one easily do that?

What bothers me really is that when my expectations are not met, I start questioning the relationship itself. For example, if I feel that my brother, like a good brother, should do so and so for me—if he doesn’t, I may start wondering if he even loves me as much! Isn’t that dangerous—weighing people’s love for you by how much they measure up to your expectations? But then, what about the expectations? Where do they figure? Is one supposed to just plain let go of them and become Mother Teresa … giving and giving, but not expecting in return? What if one weren’t born a saint?

Hmm… these are the puzzles and jumbles my mind is playing with … if only human beings were simple and human emotions simpler…

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 10:11 pm 0 comments

 
I got myself a new haircut!

Not an earth shattering event, put like that, but I don’t think I can recollect the last time I had a haircut that was any different from the one before that.

I remember one time going with friends to this really posh and hip kind of salon (at least that’s what my friends said), called “Tress to Kill” I think, fully determined to “do something with my hair”. The three of us huddled together like mice in a corner, watching all the grand dames having their hair spruced up. When the hairdresser motioned in our general direction, the boldest of us marched forward first, and then the second boldest. I, of course, thought them as good guinea pigs. If their hair came out looking any better than how it went in, I would convince myself to try out something different with my hair, I thought. There was of course the small glitch that both the girls had short hair; one curly and the other wavy (mine happens to be long and straight). When they were back, the curly haired one looked like a steam roller had passed through her hair and the wavy one looked like somebody had dug up the front part and forgotten to finish the job. As you can tell, I was not very heartened; but having made my bed, thought I may as well lie on it.

When my turn came, before the hairdresser could start at all, I gave her detailed instructions on what she could and what she couldn’t do with my hair. Result: my hair looked exactly as it looked before—only difference being that it was silkier after all the brushing and blow drying, and my pocket was lighter by Rs. 500.

Cutting back to today. My sister happened to accompany me to a hair salon this time; she egged me and goaded me and pushed me to try out the hairstyle the lady before me had got herself. It looked great on her, but I have had many trysts with my luck so far to know that this was exactly the kind of trick situation that led me to regret my actions later; something would go wrong and I would end up looking like a duckling with ugly hair. I still decided to brave it; it was now or never.

I’m happy to say that I have been getting compliments from left and right (yeah…what more does a girl want!) … and what makes me happier, I have hopefully overcome my paranoia of my hair getting messed up if I tried out anything new with it!
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 5:31 pm 0 comments