Imagine a situation where two people are supposed to contribute to something, for instance cleaning an area, every other weekend. Person A is very committed to doing their turn though they are not fond of the job any more than the other person. Person A has a ton of work over the week and still conscientiously remembers their turn and does it to the best of their ability. Person B appears to be clearly doing a show of the job. For instance, they might do a bit of hoovering so people can hear they did something but nothing more. They leave out a lot of aspects, and even frequently forget their turn. This is another sign that they don’t particularly care or take their turn seriously. When they forget their turn altogether, they don’t bring this up at all. The only reason one knows is that one doesn’t even hear the hoovering which is the only indication they even bothered with it. The area never looks any cleaner when they are done. Once Person A did happen to mention that the cleaning was missed when it occurred the second alternate weekend in a row. Person B instead of being apologetic seemed to be offended. Person A also did not like the bad air this generated in general and has since tried to simply digest things the way they are.

Now, this state of affairs rankles Person A quite a bit. I am not entirely sure it should nor am I entirely sure it shouldn’t. On the one hand, I feel like if I want to do my duty or my bit of work then I should just do it. It shouldn’t matter to me if others do their bit or not. One the other hand, it annoys me no end that others can shirk their responsibility so easily and they face no consequences for their actions or lack of. Then again I feel that perhaps they are people who would have happily lived in a state of disarray and if I care more than them for the job getting done, then perhaps I should just do it for my own sake. But, on the other hand, if nobody did anything ever that would eventually lead to a point where something would certainly need to be done, and by doing my bit I was avoiding the situation ever reaching that head. In other words, they are benefitting from my diligence instead of getting penalized for not being responsible enough.

I have been wondering, taking this example to a more general level, that a lot of people tend to coast through life without following through their commitments or by doing shoddy jobs or not taking up their responsibilities. And I guess that is what bothers me because fundamentally I want to live in a world where people who do show up and do what they do to keep the whole system running instead of collapsing are rewarded. However, it seems to me that that is not really the case. There is too much randomness and chaos in the world and it’s quite likely that the responsibility shirkers actually manage to live a rather happy-go-lucky life completely oblivious to the annoyance of everyone who bear the brunt of their irresponsibility. It makes me sad that this might well be the case. I suppose the other, more positive, way of thinking about this is that one is responsible or conscientious because that’s who one is. Maybe one will be rewarded or maybe one will not… but one is what one is because one cannot be otherwise… and as I have said on so many posts, virtue must ultimately be its own reward.

Be that as it may, I will be out of this rota very soon so that's a comforting thought :)

Resonates so much with the theme of my last post….

Excerpt from Lost & Found by Kathryn Schulz

“That is all we have, this moment with the world. It will not last, because nothing lasts. Entropy, mortality, extinction: the entire plan of the universe consists of losing, and no matter how much we find along the way, life amounts to a reverse savings account in which we are eventually robbed of everything. Our dreams and plans and jobs and knees and backs and memories; the keys to the house, the keys to the car, the keys to the kingdom, the kingdom itself: sooner or later, all of it drifts into the Valley of Lost Things.

[…]

Nothing about that is strange or surprising; it is the fundamental, unalterable nature of things. The astonishment is all in the being here. It is the turtle in the pond, the thought in the mind, the falling star, the stranger on Main Street… To all of this, loss, which seems only to take away, adds its own kind of necessary contribution. No matter what goes missing, the object you need or the person you love, the lessons are always the same. Disappearance reminds us to notice, transience to cherish, fragility to defend. Loss is a kind of external conscience, urging us to make better use of our finite days. Our crossing is a brief one, best spent bearing witness to all that we see: honoring what we find noble, tending what we know needs our care, recognizing that we are inseparably connected to all of it, including what is not yet upon us, including what is already gone. We are here to keep watch, not to keep.”

A friend of mine had a shocking news. It shocked me so much when she told me that I can't quite grasp how much it must have shaken her. The closest person in her life was taken away from her literally overnight, with no warning whatsoever. Just a week ago she and I spoke about meeting for dinner to celebrate my PhD and a week later... her world has transformed in a way she couldn't even have dreamt.

I think to myself how we plan our days, months, years... and how nothing is really in our hands. Though it's never far away from my mind, this shock has again made me realize how futile everything is, how insignificant, how very meaningless... but on the other hand it is perhaps to numb our minds to the futility and inevitability of everything... of marching time for some of us and of the sudden stop for some others... we busy our minds and lives with whatever we find to fill them... with whatever we think will make the most of what we have till we have... for what is the option? There is neither turning back time nor extending it... who is gone is gone and who are left will also be gone... numbing or overcoming or accepting or going on... all these are our only choices...

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A Dream Within a Dream

~Edgar Allan Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow —

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand —

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep — while I weep!

O God! Can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

I tend to remember my dreams. Some of them I remember even for a long time afterwards. I never thought there was anything strange or novel about this but apparently it’s not that common. Lucid dreams, as they are called. Some even see it as a way to tap into one’s intuition. I think I need to read more about this… but for now wanted to share an interesting dream I had recently. I was riding a very large bicycle holding my niece in one hand and a huge bag in the other. When I woke up it was almost like I felt the stress of having to balance them, all the while riding this very huge bike. I was also trying to press some button on the side of the street while riding it but couldn’t because my bike was moving along the other side and both my hands were occupied. The funny thing is this is not the first time I have dreamt of riding a huge bicycle though the other elements are different. I don’t know how to ride a bicycle by the way; I did learn it just about as a kid but never practiced and never ridden one myself since I was perhaps 7 or 8.

On a whim I decided to google what it means to see bicycles in dreams and lo and behold, there is a whole lot! There are a few different interpretations but the most common ones seem to be about trying to balance a lot of situations or moving towards a destination. Come to think of it, both of these themes are quite strong for me now… I am juggling with and balancing a lot of things at the moment and I am indeed trying to move towards a very specific destination which this balancing act is in a way trying to sustain, one way or another. It does seem intriguing that this dream is manifesting my subconscious or waking worries in such a metaphorical way. I am not sure what to make of the balancing my niece and the bag in my two hands while riding the bike….? I wonder if it has to do with balancing my familial relationships and other material aspects of my life. Which would also make sense because another dominant theme in my mind now is that it has been a very long time since I went home and yet all of the things I am balancing now make it difficult for me to go immediately… and yet it is a priority too. Funny how all this makes sense!

I have heard of people keeping something like a dream diary. They wake up and immediately jot down their dream. I never thought of this before but I can see why that might be useful…? :)