I tend to invoke "God" quite often in my posts. Those familiar with my thoughts might know that I use the invocation not in a conventional or religious way but as a complex placeholder whose dimensions have never been static but rather evolving through time for me. The following snippet seemed to capture a part of this complexity.

"When the fraught name God comes up in conversation or reading, I always remind myself that whatever the source or language used, we are at root on common ground — invoking the graced, unnamable source of life, the sacredness that cradles and infuses all of creation, on earth and beyond. I know that prayer is the lifting of our hearts, our thoughts, and even our bodies in conversation, or contemplation, or remembrance, or supplication, or gratitude within this whole, requiring no dogma, only openness. Hildegard counseled, “To be alive is to give praise.” ~ Lyanda Lynn Haupt

Man cannot live without a permanent trust in something indestructible in himself, and at the same time that indestructible something as well as his trust in it may remain permanently concealed from him. 

~ Franz Kafka

Most lead lives at worst so painful, at best so monotonous, poor and limited that the urge to escape, the longing to transcend themselves if only for a few moments, is and has always been one of the principal appetites of the soul. 

~ Aldous Huxley

Yesterday my mom made what we call warn in Konkani (rice pudding with jaggery, cashew nuts, raisins). The warn was yummy but I couldn't help tell mom that it didn't have enough nuts. She knows I love cashews in the warn so I was disappointed to find few. I have a theory about why she puts few but that's for another post. Here I am thinking about something else prompted by my resolution to incorporate more kindness into my way of being and doing. I guess the only way I can become more kind is in the doing of it rather than in my head or by writing about it.

This interaction with mom seemed to me an example of how I tend to point out things that are not good enough or missing while not verbalizing how much I appreciate the main thing or the things that are actually there. I think culturally it would sound really odd if I thanked my mom for the warn or anything else she did for me. It would seem too stiff and formal, as if she was a stranger and not my mother who'd always cooked for me and whom we appreciated without really using words to that effect. But in the absence of those appreciative words which we never spoke, pointing out what could be better almost seems like I don't appreciate her enough. Probably a mother doesn't really need to be told how you feel. But it made me think about my general tendency to not expressly appreciate the good things but pick out the thing that is missing or that could be improved.

Being a perfectionist, it comes naturally to me to focus on improvement, be it for myself or others. But I am wondering how I could change this focus in personal contexts where it’s more about nurturing the relationship rather than improving something, products, processes, etc. Maybe I need to consciously refocus and ask myself how I want the other person to feel. What could I say or do to make them actually feel that way? How could I show them how I feel about them or what I appreciate about them? What would I gain by talking about improvement and what would I lose if I simply enjoyed the interaction or appreciated their gestures or efforts? It's hard to change one's natural way of being and engaging, and people also usually know where you are coming from if they know you well enough, but I feel it’s worth thinking about the few things I could do differently to be more of the person I would like to be…

The B-Day is here. As you, my dear readers, know through the years, this is a reflective time for me. I couldn’t help thinking to myself that life isn’t a walk in the park or a marathon or a sprint or whatever… it is an obstacle race with emphasis on obstacle. Once you jump through one hoop or cross another loop, you can’t get complacent. There’s another obstacle waiting right around the corner when you least expect it. It’s not really set up for people who like stability, security, comfort, routine. It is best suited for people who take obstacles as par for the course, who don’t get surprised by them, whose jest for living doesn’t get dampened by them, who take it in their stride so to speak. They fight or overcome hurdles and just keep on going on. It’s not like I don’t fight or overcome them or don’t go on—in a way I have probably tackled more than my fair share of obstacles. But the problem is these fights and jostles with obstacles dampen me a lot. I am always craving for peaceful stretches. And when I have them I get lulled into forgetting that this is an obstacle race and I shouldn’t let the next obstacle take away my joy of living. I must be mentally prepared for it. I suppose I must adopt the attitude that as long as I have life, I will tackle whatever comes my way. Easier said… but let’s hope I am able to put to practice many of the attitudes and approaches to life and people that I have been reflecting upon recently… You of course are sure to hear about it :)

I am at home now so it is a blessed feeling that I am soaking in. At least at present I am at peace, and I guess it’s important, in light of my earlier point, to enjoy the peace too while it lasts. Instead of worrying about the next obstacle!

“A person's lifetime is a moment, his existence a flowing stream, his perception dull, the entire fabric of his body readily subject to decay, his soul an aimless wanderer, his fortune erratic, his fame uncertain. In short: the body is nothing but a river; the soul is dream and delusion; life is war and a sojourn in a strange land; and oblivion is all there is to posthumous fame. What, then, can escort us safely on our way? Only one thing: philosophy. This consists in keeping the guardian spirit within us safe from assault and harm, never swayed by pleasure or pain, purposeful when it acts, free from dishonesty or dissemblance, and never dependent on action or inaction from anyone else. It also consists in accepting what happens, the lot one has been assigned, as coming from the same source as oneself, and in always awaiting death with a serene mind, understanding that it's no more than the disintegration of the elements of which every living creature is a compound. If there's nothing unusual in the elements themselves changing moment by moment one into another, why should the alteration and disintegration of them all be a cause for anxiety? It's in accord with nature, and nothing that's in accord with nature is bad.”

 ~ Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 2.17

I have a tendency to get annoyed by narrow ways of thinking that take fundamental assumptions about life for granted. Instead of questioning them or considering that there may be other possibilities. I suppose it's annoying because people with traditional views go on to say things as if it's a common understanding and to refute that commonplace would require tearing down an entire structure or belief system. Something that's too tiresome for a casual conversation with people whose minds have never been opened to such a possibility. But more than that, it cannot lead to anything fruitful. The better option is to nod, smile, live and let live. We can all live in different paradigms peacefully enough if we never cross paths. One of the reasons why, despite the many ups and downs, I have never felt more at home than in my new abode.

I noted some things that might be useful for me keep in mind to make interactions more peaceful:

1.   It's not about you; it's about them: oftentimes when it seems like people are making an evaluation of some sort, it is less about them evaluating you and more about them justifying something to themselves. It might seem as if they are judging your life or your choices, but actually they are trying to validate their own. Maybe instead of seeing it as an attack on oneself, one must allow them grace and space to make peace with themselves.

2.   The less weight you put on things, the easier they are to hold: ultimately the only person who can let things weigh heavily on you, is you. So hold them lightly. It is hard to be completely immune to the external world but worth learning how to firmly secure oneself to internal foundations such that external gusts of wind don't keep swaying you off course.

3.   Everyone is on their own life journey: a big issue is that we try to judge other people with our own standards, values, ideals, aspirations, forgetting that we are all driven by what matters to us personally. It is okay if someone drops everything and moves to the Himalayas and it is okay if someone finds joy in work...or cooking... or whatever. They are not living my life nor I theirs and the only yardstick that should matter is one’s own.

4.   Let go…: even if someone says something that seems to completely misinterpret you as a person, let it go with amusement if not kindness. Instead of explaining or justifying or feeling like you have to defend yourself. It’s one thing to try someone else’s shoes and another to get into their skin. Those who have the capacity to reflect will do so on their own and revise their interpretations and those who don’t… are perhaps best let go of.  

New Year’s resolutions are overrated. I don't remember remembering a resolution beyond Jan and that's a stretch too. But I think it's not so much about keeping to a resolution in a rigid way but rather the process of reflection that leads to it. There's something in that?

Over the past year many a times I have wished I could be a better person. Usually after the fact. I don't mean better in terms of integrity, honesty, authenticity, loyalty, and so on, on which I rate myself well enough. Rather I mean the things that tend to be in conflict with these. Such as empathy, compassion, tolerance and so on. You might well wonder how they are in conflict but I'll give a simple example. Honesty coupled with my analytical nature dictates that I see things as they are, unvarnished. But empathy might dictate that I see things in a kindlier light or at least put things in a way that are not completely true to how I believe they are. That conflicts with my authenticity as well. One way I resolve this is by avoiding situations or people that call upon me to compromise the values that I hold most dear. I understand that for many people empathy is higher than honesty or authenticity so they might not even experience a conflict or understand what is so difficult for me. Anyway, my point is I do want to consciously cultivate more kindness in my interactions. And more humility as well to account for the fact that I might not have a clear view of things. I know that I appreciate kindness and humility in others so I am thinking about how to incorporate more of it into myself. I am not really sure how--without compromising authenticity--but it's something I want to work on this year. Maybe you will hear of my experiments! :)

I read a quote that people decide to do something to change themselves each year but maybe we should just decide to be ourselves. For me personally there has always been a relentless emphasis on being myself. It's change that I find very hard but I think I am not after change really as much as being a better version of who I am. I think I need to be more open to how I can be better without being too hard on myself because you can't change your fundamental wiring nor do I want to. It makes you who you are. I like it when people see the core of you and cherish that core rather than getting caught up in the maze. Though I guess they do need to have a basic affinity to that core to be able to even cut through the maze. The rest get lost in it.

In more practical news, I am home! :)