Nowadays whenever something doesn’t work out as per my expectations or fizzles out, I ask myself, what can I learn from this? Earlier I would have simply blamed fate but now I think, wait a minute, fate is trying to tell me or teach me something. I might have been disappointed this time round but maybe this disappointment was necessary because I am yet to learn something. I need to think of this as an opportunity. As an opportunity to learn that lesson or I am going to be disappointed yet again. I guess I am taking this approach because when I look back on my life, like a meme I saw recently succinctly puts it, “the things that didn’t work out for me worked out for me”. When I think about what if two-three of my major disappointments hadn’t happened, I realise I would be on a completely different trajectory, and not one that I would choose over the one I am on now. To give an example, I was once extremely disappointed to not get a certain job which was in a different city than Mumbai where I lived. At that point I thought of it as a stellar career opportunity but now when I think of it, I wonder what the big deal was. The job I got after that was a million times better, and what is even better, it sort of paved the way for other things I wouldn’t have done if I had got that initial job. Also, I would have lived away from my family and now having lived away from my family for a few years I am glad I didn’t lose more time with them. So lesson number one is, I didn’t really lose anything then though I thought I did. And I learnt something from that episode.

In the present case too, I am telling myself that though it feels like the end of the world, it isn’t. What’s going to come after this will most likely be way better and maybe this was not the best time for this opportunity to materialise. I am also thinking of the many lessons I have learnt from this setback. It boils down to the fact that I must avoid a sense of entitlement. Yes, I do believe I deserve certain things and I do believe I could do more than justice to certain things, but to convert what I believe to what other people believe of me is a process, it can’t be a demand or an expectation. Obviously we all would like to be handed things on a plate but that’s not how the real world works and if that’s how it doesn’t work, I do not have cause to be disappointed. All in all, I must be more patient, more stoic, and more focused on the road rather than the destination. I generally am these things but sometimes when the destination seems to be just around the corner, I lose a sense of perspective. I just want to be there already. That can misfire because I lose energy and motivation when I realise it was a mirage. There are still more bends to be crossed and traversed. And the other thing is I must not think myself entitled to other people’s consideration. I am not wrong to think that if they believe in me and are on my side, they should show up and step up. But I must not put stock on it. If it happens, great. If not, too bad. That will help me remain grounded. That will help me remember that the only person you can ultimately count on showing up and stepping up, is you.

Maybe losing a battle or two is good preparation for winning the war…

A while ago, someone I look up to, gave me a piece of advice. He said I should pick my battles because if everything is important to me then it could seem like nothing is. I understood his point but my counterpoint is this: we cannot be who we are in one thing or big things, it permeates everything if they are genuinely and earnestly held values. As Aristotle said, excellence is not an act but a habit and I become who I am because I follow through my principles consistently. It's to say that if I care about honesty, I am going to be motivated to be honest in general, not one day when hundreds of lives are at stake because that's who I am. If I think critically, I am going to apply it generally, not just in a high stakes essay.

However, lately I feel that my approach and the world I live in are not in sync. If I were living in ancient Greece where everyone was concerned about living a virtuous life and where engaging in philosophical contemplation was the highest form of life or life well lived, I would be living in my kind of world indeed. But the truth is I am living in a world where the average person's concerns stretch to how to spend the weekend, and beyond that to other materialistic life goals that are hard enough to achieve. Of course I have enough materialistic goals myself to make light of them. My point is not about having those goals but rather than people in today's world are all consumed by them. Thinking for the sake of learning or pursuing inquiry for the sake of discovery might be deemed a waste of time or time that doesn't fall into either fun or gain. It does fall into fun/pleasure/gain for me. It is why it never crosses my mind that I need to "pick a battle" or choose the things I belabour about because I don't see it as a battle at all; I see it as critical thinking or learning or discovering, for myself and the other person.

I am realising though that because I am at cross-purposes with others who want to simply get on with the everyday business of living life instead of wrestling with intellectual or moral or analytical conundrums, I need to modify my approach. Mainly because if there is no mutual pleasure in these explorations or no mutual concern with developing rigorous thinking habits, it is not something to be imposed on others. The question is how do I not lose myself while being respectful of others' divergent priorities? That's something I am chewing on. One technique could be to ponder or dive deep about things on my own without involving other people (unless they show interest)--which is where this blog comes in too. If they say something that is blatantly misguided, I could consider how important that particular point is in the overall scheme of things. Obviously to me it is very important because I'd rather know than not know. But like I said, such is not the case for most. There is a higher likelihood they will take offence or wonder why I am analysing such a small thing. In other words, I need to pick my battles. I need to think of ways to at least appear more in sync with the world if I am to not constantly collide with it, while keeping a space within myself to engage in what gives me true happiness.

You have humbled me

Bent me

Reduced me

To tears

But not so fast

I am not broken

And I have been

Bent to breaking point

Before and before

But I rose

And followed

The path of proving

What I am made of

I could have

Crumbled and died

Even now

An exhausted part

In me asked

Why go on

To be torn and rent and spent

By mediocre tribes

Who themselves have

So very little

To speak for themselves

Who dare

Evaluate me

But the other part

The one who never quits

Never gives up

Reminded me

Of when

I was bent

Before and many times before

And how I rose up

Soaring in the very faces

That looked down on me

And it was beneath me

Even to laugh

At these mediocrities

And now again

God brings me

To this brink

To this tiring path

Shall I give up

How many times do I

Keep proving, God?

Isn't it time finally

For my reward

But clearly not

For I must yet again

Choose

And deep down I know

I will stay on course

What if I have no reward

To motivate me

The thought

Of proving them wrong

Will carry me

They who think

I am down and out

Shall see me

Rise again

Beyond their

Feeble grasp

~Me

I engaged a Person A and a Person B for some contractual work in two different cultural contexts. The difference in the way they approached their jobs intrigued me. Even more so because Person A’s fees was around 50 pounds and Person B’s over 500. Obviously with Person B, my expectations were much higher and the job far more critical.

Person A’s approach I would describe as ‘personal’. She was actually trying to close a deal for me for more than a year now. Though the payment is based on a closed deal, the amount of effort she had to go through for over a year with deals going half-way and not materialising or falling through seemed to me far beyond what one would expect within the scope of such work. But not even once did she tell me that she was doing more than what she is expected to and not even once did she ask me for compensation during the year. In fact, she paid certain bills that I was due to pay without asking me to pay her first. Her attitude impressed me and made me think about the relationship I had with her in terms of trust rather than in terms of contractual agreement. I also thought to myself that I would pay her more than what we might have initially agreed. I suppose that’s how you feel when someone goes above and beyond.

Coming to Person B, the experience was exactly the opposite. I would describe the approach as ‘transactional’. Not going into much detail I would say that the focus here was on the number of hours worked or billed, and not on ensuring that the spirit of the contract, which was to deliver up to my standard, was honoured. To deliver in a way that it delights or makes the customer finally happy even if it means working more hours is what Person A did. That is my personal approach too because ultimately I am more concerned with the fact that my work is appreciated rather than that I am paid more. Many times I have even been gently scolded for this but I don’t think I would like to be like Person B. If anything, Person A made me see the merit of the personal approach even more clearly, to not count minutes and pennies... And even if one is looking at gain, I think Person A will always profit more in the long run because I will keep going to her and I will recommend her services to whoever will ask and I will be there for her should she need me for anything anytime. However, my first interaction with Person B is also my last. Short-term gain maybe, but long-term loss.