You know how the last episode of a series usually has a certain climactic tense mysterious rhythm? Like different storylines are going to meet in some sort of unexpected way? Like the meaning of everything that's happened so far will be revealed in some awful or awesome moment? Like all the characters are on the cusp of something big and even they cannot help but feel it...?

Dear reader, these days I feel like I am in that last episode or cusp! The fact that I am moving house day after tomorrow is of course one strand. But there are several others knotted together and new ones are emerging all the time, as if they have a role to play in the knot. My intuition is really cranked up to the max and I feel like anything could happen. Awesome or awful? We'll just have to wait to find out.

In one propitious development, I met with a prominent scholar in a related field. The fact that he is brilliant was a given. Having read his work, the opportunity to meet him right here in this little university town felt a bit like the mountain coming to Mohammed instead of the reverse! But I think what impressed me even more than his intellect, which is impressive in itself, was his attitude. I feel like it's this combination of brilliance and humility or kindness that I find extremely inspiring. That I wish to emulate to the extent I can. He did not have to give me, just a budding scholar finding her feet, the time of the day. But he did and did it in such a kindly way, treating me like an equal with a mind, that it sort of restored my faith in the goodness in academia or the goodness in the world in general. I guess it shows the fibre of a person that in spite of growing in stature they do not lose their rootedness… which is why I respect such people so much!

Someone told me today, in response to me saying that I tend to go overboard when I am talking about ideas I am passionate about, that, "enthusiasm is hardly something to be defensive about!" ... and I have to admit it made my day! :) I guess when most of the time one is surrounded by people who—and naturally so because that's how the majority of folks are—who don't converse about ideas, it could start to feel like you have an odd thing. And you could feel like it's best to keep your ideas to yourself, or write about them ;) If you chance upon an opportunity where someone seems to really like to discuss ideas, it's not surprising you'd get a little carried away by excitement, but then wonder if you were too much. As if being this "too much" is a bad thing. I know it's not but the world could sometimes make you feel that way... which is why it felt very nice to be understood and reassured :)

I think I have had occasion to mention one of those days before. Where everything that can go wrong and even can't go wrong, goes wrong. This week or two seems to be one of those for me. I am in a bit of a pressure cooker mode with work which is perhaps leading me to say or do things that is igniting fires left and right. Starting to think I should really keep things cool or ignore things instead of getting all entangled in it. The easier way out sometimes may be to exit the situation instead of colliding head-on, is what I need to learn. I feel like if I could get to end of the first week of June, I might be fine... at least for a bit.

Why end of first week of June? That reminds me! You readers might know that I moved house almost 3 years ago. Now after a looong time I am moving again on June 1. And you know what change does to me. A change in living arrangement is a big one in my books. Maybe it won't be that bad but I will believe it only once I am done with the herculean task ;)

There are two things that piss me off real quick: 1. To be told what to do, and 2. To be taken for granted.

I have a bit of a contrarian spirit. The moment someone tells me to do something, my immediate reaction is opposition. It might be a reasonable ask but if the person is asking to simply exert authority or not giving me credit for being able to think for myself, I am going to dig in my heels. I suppose my general stance is people should be given the freedom to do things their way. Leave them to figure out how to do it, to find their own way to it. That's not how everyone works so it's okay to tell people if they expressly ask or show signs of wanting to be told I guess. But for the people who like to do it their way, this can be extremely off-putting and counter-productive. Come to think of it, the best bosses I have had/have are those that have a finely developed sense of what category the person belongs to. If they should be let free or if they should be more closely guided. I suppose I love these bosses because I also sort of see it as an expression of trust, and funnily enough when that trust is established, you go to them yourself. You respect it when they tell you something.

Being taken for granted happens to me when people think my natural inclination to help is an indication I can be pushed around. I always jump to help people especially if it concerns something that I am skilled at. I like to contribute what I have or where it can add value. But I have realized that I need to be more selective for my own sake. Not everyone appreciates or values the amount of effort you put in, and being a perfectionist I put in a lot by default. I perhaps need to weigh in whether by helping I am genuinely helping or harming in the sense that people think they can 'use you'. It's important to take stock of whether you are giving to people who are actually worthy of it and who will cherish it in the right way. They need to see it as a privilege to have you by their side and not a right.

Stay in your cocoon

That is best

The world outside

Will never stop

To think you might not

Work that way

That your mind does not

Tick that way

They will never get you

Try as you might

To write and write

Till your fingers grow hoarse

Of spewing words

In the hope

They will bring some modicum

Of understanding

But when the time comes

Remember

They won’t

The world does not

Work that way

They will not care

That you tick

By a different clock

That God made you

Dance to your own tune

They will make you

Stand military style

Because that is what

Everyone does

Why did you do this

How awkward, how strange, how weird

They will say

And you will not have

Any answer

You cannot say

Remember I said

That is not my way

They will laugh

Are you from another world?

This world

Doesn’t work this way

~ Me

Expectations! Expectations! Expectations! They always always always trip me up. I don't know how to squash them... to stymie them... to stamp them. Why must I learn only when I fall to the ground? Shouldn't I know already... it is useless to expect? But I still keep falling into the trap...

I have realised over time that I need to do everything I can to protect myself from the wrong people. By 'wrong' people I don't mean the people are wrong but they do not have the sensitivities to make me feel comfortable enough or securely vulnerable. The fact that I have a hard head can be a bit misleading. But the softer your heart, the more chances people will take selfish advantage, and the more you have to do to protect it. These days I am a bit more wary and try to stay away from people who give me the wrong vibes. You could say people in general are not perfect but I think there's a basic values affinity that needs to be there. If that's not there, they have to be out. Your heart is too precious to be risked. And by heart I just mean that as a sensitive person, people have no idea how they can hurt you. Maybe without meaning to sometimes but that just means they don't have what it takes—the sensibilities, the affinities, the self-awareness, the quality of spirit, whatever one might call it. It might mean you have to interact with fewer people but I guess here as everywhere, quality must trump quantity. Diamonds are rare but you can't wear a stone for that reason :)

I wonder sometimes about how my relationship to money or attitude towards it has changed over the years. I guess growing up with a lack of it sort of made me want to accumulate which is perhaps natural. It’s one of those things that if you have enough of, you probably don’t notice it much, but if you don’t have enough of it, it dominates your consciousness so to speak. And it dominated mine for a very long time. And then when came a phase where I had enough—not too much, but enough to be comfortable—its hold over my consciousness loosened. I was able to see it in perspective. Maybe not see it in perspective so much as my own position had changed and from this new vantage point, I could see it differently. The idea of pursuing money, more and more of it, seemed meaningless. A bit like drinking air to feel satiated. But on the other hand, because I have known what it means to not have it, I realise that a total indifference to money that people who are born in a comfortable position have is also a type of luxury. Earned only by possession ironically.

My attitude now I guess is of someone who realises that money is but a means to many ends or a sustenance while one pursues more worthy ends. However, I am sensitive to the fact that it could justifiably be the end for those without the means. This attitude change has made me far more generous in recent times and also made me far less interested in potential monetary conflicts. Why would I spend time focused on drinking air when I could be watching the ocean…? We are not getting out of this alive anyway!