To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
~ Aristotle
Sunday, August 25, 2019
 
I visited Liverpool for the first time yesterday. I don’t know if it is my imagination or something more to it but every time I visit a new city or town I can’t help noticing a family resemblance with another city or town that I have visited in the UK. For example, I feel that Manchester and Edinburgh have a strong family resemblance. Today it seemed to me that Liverpool has a strong family resemblance to London. Note that when I say ‘family resemblance’ I don’t mean that they are identical, just as a pair of siblings may strike us as having similar features without looking the same at all and we would be hard pressed to point out what exactly about them seems to create this impression of resemblance.

Now, the one aspect on which I found London and Liverpool to strike me with similarity—though this isn’t the most notable point of similarity: the waterfront in the middle of the city, the giant wheel, the Tate are the more obvious ones—but the one aspect about which I couldn’t help pondering upon is the sensation I had in both cities as of being a spectator in some giant circus. Not a mute spectator sitting in the audience but an interactive one, one involved in the spectacle. People wearing costumes (not the glittery shiny variety but designed for more sophisticated effect) and masks (both outer and inner with such mastery that you couldn’t tell where one merges with the other) seem engaged in various acts of consumption. They may be consuming clothes, consuming food, consuming entertainment, consuming any number of things…but that is the inner logic of the circus or what keeps it going. I try to observe the actors closely sometimes and their faces seem hard, immobile, almost like that of statues, with neither a hair out of place nor a gesture. I can’t detect any signs of emotion, and even when they are there, they again seem geared for some calculated effect rather than spontaneous. Both in the thick of the city of London and in Liverpool (and perhaps one would feel this in all the big cities in the world today?) I most missed humanness in the sea of humanity.
For some strange reason I am reminded of a scene in the British sitcom Miranda (which I love) where Miranda talks about becoming a ‘new woman’ describing what type of woman that is. Well, I myself wish people would aspire less to be like that type of woman (or the male version of it) and more like the natural, clumsy, earnest, happy-in-one’s-own skin Miranda... the demands of the roles in the big city circus perhaps makes it difficult?

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 7:41 pm 0 comments
Friday, August 23, 2019
 
“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man” ~ Heraclitus

I cannot help marvelling at the profoundness of this idea that once presented to our mind almost transforms the way we think… about our ability to recreate moments, even the most simplest of moments. There is no way that any moment no matter how identical to any other moment can ever be experienced the same way…
I have felt a strange aversion to revisiting certain places where I had the best possible times of my life… and the aversion comes from this deep-seated feeling that I would be disappointed. I would not only be disappointed by my new experience not matching up to my older one but I am afraid that even my memories of the older experience would be tainted or tarnished by the new experience. I feel that the only way to hold on to those good memories is to let them remain as far as possible in the realm of the imagination. In this sense I guess I believe that one’s memories are a means of stepping into the same river again and again… and if it feels like the same river, then chances are that you’re the same man?
Wittgenstein called this quote a good example of a ‘language game’. Heraclitus uses the word ‘river’ which we usually understand as a monolithic body to actually intend ‘flowing water’; had he said no man ever steps into the same particles of water in the river twice for they would be different particles of water at another time, the quote wouldn’t have had any effect on us as it would then seem like an obvious fact. I think it’s quite interesting how language in this instance is not just a simple bearer of insight but actually produces the insight!

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 6:10 am 0 comments
Sunday, August 18, 2019
 

Why must the heart beat for those
Who barely bother to disclose
How charmed they are by your sight
What pleasures they find by your side
 
Why must the mind think of those
Who rarely take a closer note
How you strive for one good word
What you suffer to prove your worth
 
Yet the heart feels and the mind thinks
Of those that do not heed their bidding
Bid by them who couldn't care less
Why or wherefore is anyone’s guess!


~Me

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 7:11 pm 0 comments
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
 
What does it mean to love one’s country? In one sense it’s only a geographical area but in another sense it is not about geography or anything material at all…you owe your essence to it in a way that you cannot see yourself being the person that you are if you were born or raised in any other part of the world than where you were.
After my last post I couldn’t help thinking if one would get the impression that I love my country or my culture less because there are so many aspects that I don’t seem able to relate with or that I am critical of. The fact is that I do not believe that loving one’s country or culture means that you find everything about it to be perfect or flawless. Indeed, it is because you’re so deeply immersed but of an independent mind that you are able to objectively yet empathetically see the good as well as the bad side of it. I guess if you were one or the other, that is, so deeply immersed that you couldn’t take an outside perspective or so independent that you could not adopt an inside perspective, the view would be skewed indeed. 
This brings to mind the Priyanka Chopra episode that’s hit the news in the last few days. Without going into the details, Indian Bollywood celebrity and UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador Priyanka Chopra seems to think (as indeed many narrow minded people do) that to be patriotic is to see everything that one’s country (or its rulers which is the same thing politically) does as the right thing and to support it unconditionally even if it is as outrageous as war. The term ‘patriotic’ itself seems to become something of a weapon in the hands of such people because they adopt it to automatically take over a moral high ground and those who contest them become ‘unpatriotic’ for speaking up ‘against the country’. I would say that those who speak up against the country for the good of the country are far more patriotic in the real sense of the term because they care about the moral essence or integrity of their country which is independent of its temporary rulers and their personal ideologies…as opposed to those who pretend to show a blind devotion to their country but in the process erode its very essence—which again is not something fixed in time but must continuously evolve into what the best that the country has produced would make it. 
To twist Brutus’ phrase, it is not that one loves one’s country less, but that one loves truth more… and to my mind, there is no better way to honour one’s country than to honour the values it must stand for.
Wish all my Indian friends a very happy Independence Day!

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 7:52 pm 0 comments
Thursday, August 08, 2019
 
I had an experience at an Indian restaurant recently that brought home to me quite starkly one of the things that I particularly dislike about the Indian culture. It is the propensity of complete strangers to ask you very private questions with unmasked curiosity and to offer unsolicited opinions and judgements concerning them. It is not the same as having a general conversation where both sort of indicate some comfort about discussing a sensitive topic and then you take the topic as far as it goes, even pushing boundaries if you will; this conversation is based on interest in the general topic itself and not any aspect of one’s private life and if any private information is revealed then it is completely at the discretion of the concerned party. In fact, in such conversations chances are that you will be persuaded or even wish to offer private information as more and more trust and mutual respect is established.

In the Indian instance of the conversation, if one can even call it that because it is forced on one through one-sided questioning, the aim is to know everything one can about the stranger’s private life and to judge every aspect of it from one’s narrow point of view (with no care whatsoever about the level of interest shown toward such line of questioning). Why anyone would be curious enough to know about a stranger’s private life and what makes them feel that they have the right to ask questions intruding on another’s privacy and how they muster the courage to offer opinions without expressly being asked for it confounds me! I think it is because it confounds me so much that I am never really prepared when I am actually embroiled in the situation. Instead of responding in an appropriate manner, basically questioning them on their presumption or arrogance, or at the very least not responding at all, I find myself giving them exactly the kind of information they need in a sort of stupor that then allows them to continue with glee.
This is what happened in the Indian restaurant. The Indian restaurant manager took it upon himself to ask me very private questions that while I was wondering the audacity of I was also finding myself responding to truthfully. And as can be predicted, the man proceeded to comment on and evaluate this information as if it was the most natural thing in the world to my further amazement and embarrassment. I was mad at myself for having put myself in this situation and after removing myself from the site as fast as I could (luckily I had finished eating), I couldn’t help thinking about why I couldn’t respond better or more specifically why did I offer information instead of putting this person in his rightful place.
What I realised is that coming from this same culture and knowing this specific tendency of Indian people I am unable to respond to it as someone outside of it might or would. I suppose I realise that those who act in this way act out of complete ignorance rather than knowledge and I could only put someone in their place if they came from a place of knowledge or even malice for that matter but how do I correct someone who was simply acting as they have always acted with no knowledge of how such actions may impact different types of people. It is also worth remembering that they see me as a fellow Indian and that emboldens them enough to think that I share these cultural ways of being and seeing and thinking and acting and that means that they think they can be with me the way they are with other fellow Indians. It seems to me that to do anything other than behave as any other ‘fellow Indian’ would, would mean to act in a culturally shocking way for them…and something tells me that while I am able to take a generous view of their behaviour towards me even though I find it shocking, they would not be able to understand my reaction at all!
I think there is another way to act in this situation to resolve the tension between not wanting to verbally punish them for something they are not aware they are doing or cannot help doing in any case and not punishing myself by going against my own instinct for privacy or authenticity. That would be to rebuff their questioning in a ‘light-hearted’ way rather than with a serious rebuke. One could even call it a diplomatic way whereby you are not giving in to what is demanded but not making the person feel the worse for it. Many people have this ability to be diplomatic rather than direct so that their aims are achieved and the relationships are also maintained but I confess that even though I can see its advantage, it is very much against my grain. There is something very inauthentic about it, something of fakeness or falseness, and it seems to me that I would only be exchanging one devil for another.
What all this means is that because I have too much sympathy for where this person is coming from to pull them up and because I do not have the art of the diplomatic banter to ease off the situation in my favour, I simply offer the requested information in as terse a way as possible and make a quick exit. Well, that’s what I did. Another thing that I intend to do is to never visit that Indian restaurant again. So there, I am taking my revenge after all! :)

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 11:56 pm 0 comments
Monday, August 05, 2019
 

“As you start to walk on the way, the way appears”
I recently chanced upon this quote by the Persian poet Rumi; it is one of those quotes that strike you with their sublimity as much as their simplicity.
It seems that if at first there appears to be no path but you take courage in both hands and start walking and walking bravely confronting the hurdles, at some point the path almost gives way, it appears magically, the obstacles melt away, things happen to guide you more smoothly on your course, and it all seems like a reward in return for confidence, for belief, for faith… as much in oneself as in something else…perhaps in destiny or a higher power or in God. It is difficult to explain it rationally… but I have sensed the truth of it in my own experience. Mind you, I am actually not someone who starts walking when I don’t see a path; in fact, very far from it. I need to plan and chart out a complete map to the destination and account for contingencies as well before I take the first step. However, I admit that rare though it is whenever I have taken a chance and simply listened to my gut instinct it has worked out, the path has shown up…almost like fate was willing me to take a chance and waiting to reward me if I did.
Maybe if one had to explain it rationally one could explain it in terms of what psychologists these days call ‘grit’—apparently grit more than anything else defines success, even more than intelligence or privilege. It is the ability or quality of a person to push ahead determinedly or persevere against difficulties in pursuit of a desired goal… and one perseveres till one reaches it. If you think about it, to set out on a path that appears hopeless at first in search of one’s goal and then to plod along on it certainly demands perseverance or determination or grit at an earthy level and not just some sort of vague belief or faith… and when it seems like the path appears or opens up or difficulties start to melt, it could also be the fruit of all the labour that one has already put in in working through the path…the result of hard work rather than a magical dispelling of barriers…
I guess I like the idealistic notion that when you put yourself wholeheartedly into something, the universe rewards you... when you start to walk determinedly, the path has no choice but to open up for you. The call of the path has to be strong enough though and you need to have it in you to see it to its very difficult end… but then could that just be plain old grit?

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 1:42 am 0 comments
Thursday, August 01, 2019
 

Mom left for Dubai yesterday. She was here with me for about 2 months. It’s funny how I was quite happy in my solitude and even enjoying it before she arrived and now it feels a bit empty and bleak. I know that this is how I’ll feel for a few days or maybe a week or two and then my regular routine will set in and then I will probably even forget what it used to be like with her around. The thing is that one can grow to enjoy company as well as solitude the more one is used to it (or maybe I can because I know a lot of people who can’t imagine living on their own?).
Every little moment or everyday routine calls to mind the person who used to be part of that moment or routine. Say having my tea in the morning I know that she would have made something special for breakfast so having my rather bland tea and toast and eggs I think about how different that moment would have been with her. Or just lying down after lunch looking outside the French window we would have shared some observations on the weather…whether it was too hot or windy or cloudy as if it would rain any moment now. I look over at the sofa seat where she would have been sat and the mind plays tricks on me because I am half asleep, and I almost imagine her half asleep-half awake sensitive to my movements. The minute I lift my head up she will enquire if I feel like having tea…and I will ask her what we should have for snacks. Maybe the frozen samosas or maybe croissants or maybe chips or maybe some raisin bread (or whatever they call it) which I always get from whichever store I may be shopping at because I know she’s fond of it. And yes, shopping at these stores is also a different experience. These two months I have shopped with her tastes and likes in mind…in fruit or veggies or anything else. And she has been cooking with my tastes and likes in mind. I have been stuffing myself with coconut and jaggery and bhajias and all the lovely stuff that are usually an indulgence for me, if even that. I am sure I have put on an enormous amount of weight…at first I was a little worried about putting on weight and reversing the good food habits I had developed, but then I thought to myself that I could anyway restart my good food habits once she was gone so let me indulge while I can… I guess I don’t like doing anything by halves and I can’t say I did :)
Well, it seems strange that even a month or two of a new experience can change the entire climate of one’s mood… but I take heart because the mood will change… like all moods do… as those experiences become a distant memory and newer ones take their place… though to be honest what gives me heart is also the fact that I will see my people again soon… until then I will enjoy the company of the person whose company never ceases to interest me…yes, that’s me ;)

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 10:24 pm 0 comments
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