To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
~ Aristotle
Wednesday, October 30, 2019
 

Disappointment
 
To what do I equate
The weight of disappointment
A heavy stone
That sinks lower and lower
Into a bottomless depth
Or to an arrow
That pierces sharply and stings
At the most sensitive core
Maybe a kiss withdrawn
At almost the point of meeting
Leaving the lover bewildered and foolish
All resemble
In varying degrees
Impacts on the heart
But what of the mind
That rendered dumb in the instant
Bears scars permanent
Moves away from the object
Of enchantment
Never to welcome again
Heady anticipation
That dies before it even grows
In the unfortunate womb
Of false premises and promises
The dejected self
Crouches back
Into its own world
Never to be hurt again
Or
Disappointed!
 
~Me

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 8:25 pm 0 comments
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
 
I am grappling with a disappointment. I have always had this irrational idea that if I speak too well about a particular person or thing or if I like a particular person or thing too much, then something will happen to take this particular person or thing away from me or something will happen to ruin my good relationship with said person or thing. I have a vague sense of fear of losing the person or thing the moment I discover an attachment for it.

I think there is a general belief in the Indian culture (perhaps in other cultures too?) to the effect that if you are too happy about something or rather show your happiness about something to people, then something bad will happen to spoil your happiness. The problem with having this irrational belief is that instead of interpreting a situation in a logical way one jumps to the conclusion that something really bad must have happened. To give a rather silly example, if I keep saying that I write good essays and then discover that I have a writer’s block, I don’t conclude that maybe I just need to postpone writing or maybe I need to think of other ideas but that because I have been harping about my good essays something bad has happened, and I cannot write them anymore!

Well, so my present disappointment is largely because I am interpreting a situation in this irrational way. I was so looking forward to a particular situation that now that this situation is unexpectedly not happening I am unable to digest the practical or logistical reasons and I am looking for cues or making them up to convince myself that something more dire has happened. It seems to me that I was looking forward to the situation so much that I almost made it not happen, if you know what I mean!

I guess sometimes we tend to internalise disappointments and dejections to convince ourselves perversely that they must be in some irrational way our own fault. The more we think these things are our own fault the more we try not to want things too much because in the very act of wanting them we seem to push them away…it’s almost like we don’t deserve anything good and the only way to have anything good is by not wanting it too much or not giving away the fact that we want it too much…lest the evil eye or whatever the superstitious term for it snatch the thing away from us… maybe it is not the superstitions playing a trick on us but our own insecurities that stop us from believing in our own worth and believing that those who rightly judge this worth will stick around no matter what… and those who don’t… isn’t the sooner they are snatched away, the better?

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 8:36 pm 0 comments
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
 
I was having a conversation with someone from the Psychology field and she told me this interesting effect whereby the state of a person’s being, say for example if they’re feeling tired, influences their ‘objective’ evaluation of characteristics of the environment, say for example, the incline of a hill. In short, the more tired I am the more I might overestimate the difficulty level of climbing the hill, which seemed pretty self-evident to me, but according to this friend, it wasn’t so much the ‘subjective’ perception she was talking about but the ‘objective’ estimate in that I would actually err in estimating an incline or distance if it relates to walking rather than simply finding it subjectively difficult to climb or walk if I was say for example tired. When I asked her how they would be able to tell if it was my subjective perception or my objective estimate that was at work in the judgement, she said that they would use techniques to get at the most objective estimate possible, though she admitted that this would be tough given that humans were usually pretty bad at this sort of estimation. I would agree because I think even if I am far from being tired I couldn’t tell the incline of a hill or the distance to the bus stop ;)

This made me think about a recent incident which is quite different overall but maybe one can see the similarity too. I was having a particularly strenuous and exhausting day—both physically and mentally. Basically I was on my real and figurative toes from sometime in the morning to sometime late in the evening; all I wanted to do was get home and crash on my comfortable bed. I don’t remember the last time I felt so mind-bogglingly tired but I think it might be because I am not used to it that it got me feeling much worse. So, almost when I was about to pack up, I happened to check my email and there was one that snapped something in me. It was a pretty business-like email but without going into specifics all I can say is that it was a bit of a bad news in a rather unfair sense. I am sure at any other time this email would have caught me off-guard and annoyed me too but catching me at a moment when I was completely physically exhausted and strained, it had something of an overwhelming effect on me. I almost felt tears in my eyes and numbed by the contents. I was consumed by rage and wanted to emotionally react to it though I guess I talked some sense into myself and diverted my ire in a more useful direction. Now that I think about the whole episode more calmly I realise, as in the case of the person judging the difficulty of climbing the hill when they are tired (subjectively speaking though), my physical and mental exhaustion contributed to the way I judged the email. This is not to say that the email did not demand any such reaction; a hill would be difficult to climb no matter how relaxed I am but my state of being increased the poignancy of my reaction. Perhaps if I had simply closed my mailbox and checked it the next day I would have said to myself that it was unfair but there was little I could do about it so let me just focus on what was in my control and get on with my day. Instead I chose to react and act in a very different way…

Makes one wonder about decisions in general… how different would they be if made on a different day or made when one’s state of being was quite different?

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 12:14 am 0 comments
Thursday, October 17, 2019
 
Those of you who follow this blog religiously (let me assume there are a few ;)) might be wondering what happened to my housemate situation. Well, as the great bard said, all’s well that ends well!

I was afraid that I would have to make adjustments to my beloved routines and ways of living but I believe I have struck gold because not only am I able to stick with all my routines and ways in this new arrangement (all thanks to the very accommodating and respectful housemates!), I also have the added benefit of interaction and conversation. Out of all my housemates (2 British and 1 Chinese) I happen to have the most interactions with my Chinese housemate who is a very young girl finding her feet in a new university in a new country while learning the culture and language on the go. I have a feeling that my exchanges with her particularly about cultural matters are going to be a source of reflection on this blog :)
It’s funny how when I was living in solitude, I enjoyed its many aspects, and now when I am living among people, it hasn’t taken me much time at all to look forward to the human aspects. I generally tend to sit in the lounge attached to the kitchen while my housemates all prefer to be in their own rooms most of the time (didn’t I say I get to preserve my routines? ;)). The Chinese housemate usually spends some time in the lounge/kitchen making dinner in the evening after getting back from the university, where I am invariably ensconced and up for a chat. Last week I happened to have a rather busy day and decided to take a nap in my room till late in the evening. When I popped out finally, the Chinese housemate greeted me exuberantly and told me that when she didn’t find me sitting in the familiar place when she got back she felt that “something was missing in her life” (her rather quaint way of expression struck me as a cultural influence but not the less charming for that!). I have to admit that I felt quite touched... this emotional element is something that never fails to draw me out… it was lying a bit dormant in my solitude and I see it now coming to the fore a lot more :)

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 12:11 am 0 comments
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
 
I was having a conversation recently in a research context where I remarked that one cannot be poor and happy. I received immediate objections to this statement because people felt it was an extreme generalisation. I qualified my statement saying that almost all of us live in a capitalist world today, and in such a world at least one cannot be both poor and happy, as this world is not designed for both these conditions to be true at the same time.

I believe that having a lot of money may not make you happy but not having enough to make the choices that you would make without any financial constraints imposes on you a life that is not one of your own choosing and it seems to me that it is impossible to be happy living a life that is thrust upon you rather than one that you choose. The things that make one happy be it art or leisure or knowledge or whatever require money to pursue, and when I say money I also mean time because for those without idle money lying in the bank, time is equivalent to money. In an 8-hour workday you cannot work 24 hours so even if the museum is free to go to, you cannot really spend your time nonchalantly in activities that bring no money because unfortunately you cannot eat art or survive by walking in the beautiful woods even if they are food for the soul. The body needs nourishment as much as the soul and if you have money to take care of the needs of the body only then are you free to focus on the delights of the soul. Else, you're busy simply fending for bodily needs and I’m not sure by what measure this kind of a life that is all about plain existence could be called a happy one… at least from my subjective perspective.
I would grant though that those who have a great inner urge or drive to fulfil their potential are not constrained by material limitations because the urge is too strong... this is not to say though that they are specimens of the poor and happy kind because that would have to mean that they accept the conditions and impositions that a poor life has placed on them... it is more that they do not let their poverty have a final say in the life that they would lead… in this sense their happiness depends on rising above the conditions of poverty… reaching for the joys of the soul in spite of the hardships of the body.

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 6:54 am 0 comments
Saturday, October 05, 2019
 

It seems to me a precious quality, to have it in one's power to be cruel and get away with it, and yet to choose to be kind. 
Though I say ‘choose’, paradoxically I don't think it's about choice at all. It's not about what we choose to do but what we cannot help but choose because of who we are. The innately non-kind or mean person though will show cruelty when they know they can get away with it; their surface kindness is a show and when there is no audience or when behind the curtains their mask will drop soon enough. The kind person might even be cruel to be kind in public because they are not doing it to appear kind—but it will be very easy to distinguish this kind of well-intentioned cruelty from the mean one and you will even respect them the more for it because their kindness comes from a place of strength and not weakness as it may be assumed of some versions of kindness.
Lately, I must admit I have been preoccupied with the virtue of kindness. It is only when you experience darkness that you really see the value of light, and the last few years have taught me its value both by absence and abundance. I hope to express more kindness in my life and relations as well... while kindness does emanate from who one is one cannot deny that there are other parts of the person one is that could at times conflict with kindness. I guess in these instances it becomes a choice... and I hope to choose kindness more.
 
When all was dark
And I was lost
Ready to give up
Lay down my weary guns
When it didn't seem
I could go on
Anymore
That is when you
Unassuming and kind
Came into my life
Like a warm glow
Of light
Lifted me up
From the very
Ground
Scooped me
Trampled and mangled
Brought me to life
Little by little
Not knowing
What a huge difference
It made
Your every small act
Of kindness

~Me

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 4:37 am 0 comments
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