To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
~ Aristotle
Saturday, April 25, 2020
 
Do you sometimes feel you have to be a little bad so that others feel better about themselves? Obviously none of us is perfect but relatively speaking when people feel you have fewer flaws they want you to prove that that is not really the case… on the other hand if you show you are as imperfect as them, as irrational as them, as given to making misjudgements as them… they accept you as one of the gang…as someone like them…as someone who is likeable… but if not…you are seen as worse because you are a little better … or in other words, you are seen as someone who doesn’t make an effort to belong… someone who doesn’t show their bad side because obviously you cannot be that good… it is unimaginable that you are better than them, the them being whoever is using their own reference point or level of badness as a comparison…

So this leads to a lot of conflict within one… conflict because it seems as if to maintain human relationships you always have to show that you are at the level of the person with whom you want to maintain the relationship… they may tolerate you for a while because they will keep hoping that someday, sometime, in something you will reveal that you are at their level… and they will keep adding to the list of occasions when you could have shown this but didn’t…they will keep repressing their judgement that they don’t think you are bad enough to be good… you have not managed to show you belong to the gang or you have it in you to belong to the gang… you have not revealed yourself enough, because, it’s not possible that you are actually better… You then have a choice of continuing to be your authentic self at whatever cost which is usually at the cost of that relationship…or becoming inauthentic… pretending to fall to their level so that the relationship doesn’t sink…

I think when I was younger I didn’t have the courage to stick with authenticity… I was scared to reveal myself to not be bad enough to be good for the relationship…I was scared to lose relationships… so I would try to be who I was not… this never really worked either because you are never happy to disown who you really are and nor are you comfortable enough in a skin that is not yours to not be found out soon enough… now that I am older I wouldn’t trade my authenticity for anything or anyone…as a matter of fact, I can’t…it’s too ingrained in me… this is sometimes seen as arrogance… sometimes that I think too much of myself… sometimes that I have too high standards… sometimes that I think I am too good to be bad…it pains me to be painted in these terms but I realise that the intention is to make me fall…make me feel small… and I do feel this way actually… do question myself…do flee inward… do wonder why I can’t fit myself into a smaller box…become invisible… fade into the background…the feeling is temporary though… you can’t force the sun to shine like a lamp :)

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 8:14 pm 0 comments
Monday, April 20, 2020
 
Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees the others. ~ Aristotle

Someone put the question: if one had to choose, would one choose a lack of courage or lack of justice. I immediately thought I would always choose to have justice. Somehow justice or fairness is one of the virtues that I strongly strive to hold and I also admire in others. I am always thinking about whether a particular action of mine might be deemed unfair or unjust and I am highly sensitive to others' unfair or unjust actions too. To take a very simplistic everyday example, I am not exactly fond of housecleaning duties but having decided a rota with my housemates I never miss my turn because this would be unfair to them. 
However, I have never really consciously thought of courage or myself as one who is courageous or who aspires to be courageous. Obviously I don't see myself as a coward either but the word 'courage' always sparks heroic images of say someone who is ready to give up their life for the country or something, and I am afraid I am not one who has that sort of courage. I have more of a "discretion is the better part of valour" approach. I will do everything to not put myself in harm's way so for instance if I know a particular street is dangerous, I will avoid it. If going out very late in the night is not advisable in a particular location, I will stay in. Because of my rather cautious rather than brash nature, I have never really resonated with ‘courage’ in the layman sense of the term.
Thinking more deeply about this choice between the virtue of justice and courage though, I was led to the realisation that one cannot be truly just or consistently just if one lacks inner courage. If one is just or fair only in circumstances where it is convenient for one or where it does not involve unpleasant consequences to oneself then one is not really just. This ‘courage’ as virtue though is not the reckless or rash running toward danger kind. It is the courage that is demanded in doing the right thing or the just thing because it is the right or just thing to do. Going into a dangerous street or jumping from a parachute then is not ‘courage’ at all from a virtue perspective. Sticking to or advocating for what one believes to be good or right or just even if it is fraught with danger...is.

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 6:43 pm 0 comments
Friday, April 17, 2020
 
I wouldn’t mind being judged by you… but I would like to know your judgement…even if it is stark, harsh, cruel, unjustified, unmerited…I would want to know…I would find it easier in my mind to perceive myself as you perceive me…and then if I give a defence or offer offense…at least I know that I have a mark to hit…but to let me be blind…while you smile…falsely, deceitfully…mocking me or ridiculing me in your head…that I cannot abide…that I would not do to an opponent…because even a fight…must be fought with integrity…that’s what I think…that’s what is due to you…and that’s the due you must give to me…not as a friend, but even as a worthy adversary or at least a fellow human…better a worthy adversary though than a hypocritical friend…May I have more of those…

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 3:57 am 0 comments
Monday, April 13, 2020
 
My heart is so small

it's almost invisible.
How can You place 
such big sorrows in it?
"Look," He answered,
"your eyes are even smaller,
yet they behold the world.
 
~Rumi
 ---
Happy Easter!

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 4:11 am 0 comments
Saturday, April 11, 2020
 
There are two approaches advocated these days for how one should spend one’s time while in lockdown. One asks you to be productive, pick up a hobby, learn a skill, reflect what you want to do in life, evaluate your goals, and so on. Another asks you to forget about productivity, forget about goals, forget about using your time sensibly, and simply focus on living or surviving, because, hey, we are in the middle of a global pandemic!

The second approach seems to come from a place of concern, after all we’re all grappling with anxiety, grappling with the precarious health of loved ones, grappling with uncertainty about the future, grappling with how to even buy groceries without literally dying. It is quite understandable and even natural if in the middle of all this grappling the last thing on our minds is productive activity or a practical goal. This approach gives one the space for self-care, it makes space for empathy with one’s state of being, it eases off the pressure we might feel in balancing the practical and the emotional, it allows us to just be…

While I won’t deny the wholesomeness of the second approach at all, I do not believe that the former approach deserves to be maligned. It seems to me that there are strengths to be drawn from both approaches, depending on what gives you strength at any given point of time. To reject outright the first approach saying that it puts unnecessary pressure on people to be productive, that it makes for even more anxiety when people are dealing with enough of it, that it is an approach embedded within a capitalist philosophy which makes productivity a moral virtue in itself… all these accusations seem unwarranted to me. In fact, instead of the former approach increasing pressure and anxiety for those who just want to let go of practical concerns, I feel that pushing the latter approach has now become a veiled means of attacking those who want to create some semblance of sanity or normality or even structure for themselves using the first approach.

I would agree that if one can do something to ease the burden of those who are most affected by the pandemic, be it volunteering for the elderly or mobilising some other help or any other such activity, it must take priority before a self-interested goal. That would be noble indeed. I would also agree that if one is directly affected in some way such as losing a loved one or caring for or being around someone who is suffering, it would too much for such a person to think about anything but coming out of this in one piece. I would also grant that one could be overwhelmed by what is happening to be able to function normally so all they might be able to do is get by as best they can from one day to another.

However, I do not think the vast majority of people who are now isolated at home, such as people like you or me, belong to these rare or extreme categories. And these messages of productivity vs. letting go seem to be largely aimed at people like you and me. What I don’t get is why suggesting that this particular population make use of their time by doing things they might have always wanted to do but did not have time for is a bad thing. The reason I don’t get this is because no alternative is suggested. Of course one could wallow in anxiety and grief if one would but why is that preferable? And what if one isn’t wallowing—what should one then do?

Being productive doesn’t mean one has to do “official work” but it could be something that one enjoys or finds meaning in…that one usually doesn’t get time for. Why would trying to occupy oneself meaningfully or productively, be it that book one always wanted to read or write or the skill that one always wanted to learn, why would it be something to be sneered at if taken up voluntarily? Even reflecting about life could be a productive activity because it produces a better person who is more self-aware. On the other hand, letting go means that one might end up watching Netflix ad nauseam or playing video games or browsing social media or being bored or gorging on food to fill the void—how would all this be better? What else would most people not engaged in something that they deem offensively “productive” be doing? Obviously, no activity be it learning to cook or watching Netflix must be imposed on anyone because it is important that it is something one finds happiness or meaning in whatever it is but my argument here was simply to show that vilifying those who might find joy in productive activity makes no sense…and nor does one need to feel the pressure to engage in such activity if one doesn’t find joy in it.

As for the idea of productivity being falsely held as a moral virtue because we live in a capitalist society—one doesn’t deny this in theory—but in this particular case one could argue that occupying one’s mind with mindless entertainment when one is free from the “official” shackles of work smacks more of capitalist conditioning; instead of reconnecting with one’s own creative or thinking potential by doing what living in a capitalist regime one is not able to usually do would be a means to temporarily break from it or at least a means of trying to find one’s own inner consciousness deeply buried in the familiarity and regularity of work life at other times. However, it is perhaps too difficult for most people to make this connection or reconnection with themselves because their selves are too used to being on lease at work...it doesn’t come naturally…on the other hand, letting go is easy…freely falling into the flow of mind-numbing media offers relief… from uncertainty as well as responsibility.

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 6:13 am 0 comments
Sunday, April 05, 2020
 
Someone asked me recently if I was adding some exercise into my routine. In normal times people didn’t ask this question because it was assumed that one went to the gym or did sundry other things to keep fit. But now that we are on lockdown it’s not really a given. And there’s probably not much else to ask…

I did not exercise nor went to the gym before the lockdown. It’s not like I didn’t try the gym. Like most people my attendance was pretty good the first week, tapered the next, tapered a bit more the next, and eventually petered out to nothing :( I realised that I had to find a really good excuse to not go to the gym or exercise to avoid being guilt tripped by myself and others all the time. So here is what I came up with…

There are two ways to lose or maintain a healthy weight. 1. Diet 2. Exercise (There’s of course the option of both but then I wasn’t trying to be ambitious or a model).

What do you require for the first? Self-control, self-discipline, curbing love of carbs

Effect: Very high

What do you require for the second? Self-control, self-discipline, love of physical exertion, high energy

Effect: Moderate if not accompanied by good food habits

What would you expect a sane (should I say lazy ;)) person with absolutely no love for physical exertion to do? Dear reader, I chose the first option. I thought to myself that if I anyway have to exercise self-control and self-discipline then I might as well expend it on something that would deliver high outcome. Not only that, I find it much easier to control my love of food rather than to manufacture a love of exercise. Not to mention actually get out of bed in the morning for something I don’t love! Lazy me won the day again… no surprise, that! :)

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 9:52 pm 0 comments
Wednesday, April 01, 2020
 
I am quick to take on the character of a victim. I am perhaps being a bit harsh on myself but I feel that whenever something happens, things don't go my way, people don't behave the way I want, opportunities don't materialise... I immediately become a victim. I blame my ill luck, my destiny, my circumstances... The good thing is I don't wallow in this mood for long and move on planning my next course of action. I might even forget my temporary setbacks if good things happen soon enough. But, while the victim mood lasts, it's pretty discomfiting... that's where I am now.

I have to have a word with myself in this victim phase to paint the situation in its real light which is never as bad as I imagine it to be. I am thinking to myself now, how very entitled of me, I have health, I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat, I have people who love me, I have people I adore working with, I have seen something of the world, I have had opportunities to broaden my mind... I could think of things I don't have too and make it a moving list but no matter how moving, it would not even come close to comparison with real victims... those whose list is the opposite of my "have" list. When I think about people in India now walking from one state to another because they are rendered jobless by the lockdown, I feel I should be ashamed to even put myself in the category of victims. If anything, I should be grateful for what I have especially because I know what it was to not have...

I am not saying of course that because some people are much less fortunate than us we do not have the right to wallow in our own small miseries. I guess we wouldn't be human if we didn't feel our own troubles more keenly than the world's. But we or rather I need to develop a thicker skin that bounces back the light balls that life throws at me rather than falling down all too easily into victimhood! Not everything is going to go my way nor everyone is going to love me or even know me for who I am... I must accept that it's just the way life is... and move on without falling down.

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 7:32 pm 0 comments
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