To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
~ Aristotle
Tuesday, September 22, 2020
 

I finished a piece of work a week ago. When I started it about two months ago I just didn’t know how I would ever be able to see the end of it. It seemed to be one of those things that one wished to see the end of but one couldn’t bear to start… if you know what I mean. After I ended it I actually marvelled at it… I found it difficult to imagine that I had actually managed to do it…that I had actually painstakingly and laboriously written all those words on paper and filled all those pages with words. It seemed as if the whole thing must have magically dropped from heaven or that some inspired spirit must have moved me to write it… that’s how I feel at the end, surveying the whole work, very different from at the beginning when every step or word seems heavy…

Someone shared the following excerpt today and it resonated with me. I guess this is the attitude with which I try to approach my work too. Though I want nothing more than to reach the end, I know that reaching the end wouldn’t satisfy me if I don’t have something good to show for the journey…

-------------------

“You see, Momo,' he [Beppo Roadsweeper] told her one day, 'it's like this. Sometimes, when you've a very long street ahead of you, you think how terribly long it is and feel sure you'll never get it swept.'

He gazed silently into space before continuing. 'And then you start to hurry,' he went on. 'You work faster and faster, and every time you look up there seems to be just as much left to sweep as before, and you try even harder, and you panic, and in the end you're out of breath and have to stop - and still the street stretches away in front of you. That's not the way to do it.'

He pondered a while. Then he said, 'You must never think of the whole street at once, understand? You must only concentrate on the next step, the next breath, the next stroke of the broom, and the next, and the next. Nothing else.'

Again he paused for thought before adding, 'That way you enjoy your work, which is important, because then you make a good job of it. And that's how it ought to be.'

There was another long silence. At last he went on, 'And all at once, before you know it, you find you've swept the whole street clean, bit by bit. What's more, you aren't out of breath.' He nodded to himself. 'That's important, too,' he concluded.”

~Michael Ende, Momo


posted by Sylvia D'souza at 4:12 am 0 comments
Thursday, September 17, 2020
 
Another reason why I was drawn to academia dawned on me out of the blue. Most other work environments seem to have this thing for levelling people. For bringing everybody down to the lowest level of intelligence. The concept of teamwork also in a way tries to tone down individual spirit, tries to bring it in alliance with the team… anyone who has ever worked in a team knows that the team performance is usually down to one or two bright, committed and goal oriented individuals. However, when it comes to giving credit it is frowned upon to credit these specific individuals and if these specific individuals desired any credit it would be frowned upon as going against team spirit.

I see a sort of militancy against individuals who strive to attain higher standards as if others are sort of threatened by this. They know they can never achieve those standards so they collectively have a stake in keeping the standards low. The one who has high standards or aims for excellence paradoxically may be demonised because such people are seen as individualists, against the so-called general “team spirit” whose chief principle is to uphold the group rather than uphold standards. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the group nor do I believe everyone should try to attain a high standard if that’s not their cup of tea or if they genuinely are happy with the mediocre. What bothers me is that to retain a comfortable state of affairs the ones with a “group” mentality think nothing of oppressing those who actually do aim higher or do want to achieve a higher standard or do want to encourage those who are yet to develop any standards to achieve them. That is where the state of the world bothers me, the tyranny of the many or the mediocre seems sad to me.

Coming to how this draws me to academia... There is a lot to be said about the research or publishing world in the academic context as well and it’s not as if it doesn’t have built-in privileges for some or constraints for individuals… however, for the most part, it allows you to be an individual, it allows you to be brilliant, it allows you to be better than the pack, it allows you to distinguish yourself, it allows you to shine brighter than those around you...and not in the social or charismatic or superficial sense which is the only shining possibility other work environments have (which is why it’s doubly oppressive to people who like to work in their own corner). I mean in the sense of ideas and mental output. You don’t get accolades for just submitting a paper or for making an effort or for just trying. I am not diminishing the importance of trying; they are important first steps without which one wouldn’t get to the last. However, I am vehemently against an “everybody gets a prize” logic. I believe giving out the same medal for just competing in a race as opposed to winning it is not fair to someone who puts their blood, sweat, tears into winning, into finishing, into going on in spite of everything. It seems strange to me that to save the feelings of one who competed one would hurt the feelings of someone who put their all into it! Luckily, in academia, you don’t get a medal or a prize for putting out a mediocre paper because, wow, you tried. You don’t get a medal for being a team player or a charmer or a goofy guy who makes everybody laugh. You only get it if your output matches or exceeds standards. Maybe some might prefer the former or find it a softer world whereas I prefer the latter even if I fail or don’t manage to meet standards… I would never wish to have a medal for trying. If I did get a medal, I would like to feel that I deserved it. I guess I would also be motivated to go the extra mile when I know that the extra mile is what counts. I also feel—maybe I am being uncharitable here but I have observed this—that people who do not have it in them to go the distance use soft ploys of goofiness, charm, emotion to worm their way to medals. They succeed too in many work environments. More’s the pity…

Many people like the idea of harmony and comfort so much that they are ready to bear any cost for it. Even critical thinking is viewed with suspicion because obviously you can’t do critical thinking with harmony and comfort as an end goal. That is why this goofiness, charm, emotional appeal, diplomacy is prized over reason, logic, critical thinking, and straight talk. Again, in academia you can’t survive being just goofy and funny and charming and self-deprecatingly stupid. You can’t produce substantial academic outputs with these empty tools. Not to say that a critical or logical personality can’t have flaws… but I can work with flaws of people who are fundamentally critical and logical and have high standards for themselves and others. After all, I am one who has those flaws as well! These attributes for obvious reasons don’t go very well with the type of “team spirit” I mentioned earlier. They are not about upholding the group, they are about upholding standards. In my view though when a group comes together to uphold standards instead of itself, it becomes much stronger for it.

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 3:48 am 0 comments
Monday, September 14, 2020
 
Are things random or do they have meaning? It seems to me that objectively things may very well be random but our consciousness overlays them with meaning or detects patterns and coincidences that suffuse them with meaning. It's like the question of whether if a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? Considering that sound is only what an ear can detect, it is argued that if no human is around to hear it, then there is no sound. So also it seems to me with meaning—it can only be produced by a consciousness; there is no meaning independent of it.

Ever since the virus started, life has been different for all of us I guess. In my case it has perhaps been less different than for most people because of my introverted lifestyle. I don't feel as much of a need for interaction with the outside world or people as most people. When I am occupied in the world of ideas which I am most of the time, I feel intensely alive. Not to say I don't miss people... I have been dreaming about home all the time... but it's a longing which I can hold at bay rather than something I need to sustain me from day to day. My day to day is in the mind.
I have had one strange thing to confront though: my appearance. I have mentioned my developing acne issue before. It has meant I can't even apply the bare minimum products I used to apply on my face. Even otherwise with the pandemic I couldn't do some routine things such as get my eyebrows shaped (I feel like mentioning this is crossing a line on my blog… because I rarely mention physicality at all… hehe). I had to give up or stoically accept all concerns related to the way I look. In video meetings which is what all of us are forced to do these days you come face to face with your face so to speak unlike in a regular meeting where you only see others. It doesn't help if you have a serious face or grim expressions ;) All this has made me feel as if I was being put through a test of sorts…at least that was the meaning I chose to see in the combination of events thrust upon me. As if I was supposed to learn something about vanity with regard to appearance... something I needed to get to grips with. And I did learn. The learning has been liberating in a strange way. I no longer feel conscious of what my face looks like in these video settings... there is a freedom in letting go, in being completely about who you are within which has nothing to do with what you look like without. I am not saying that I don't care or won't care what I look like anymore but I am not overly attached to it or pin my confidence to it. We know that we are not always going to look like what we do today but I guess we are never prepared for when it happens. I feel that I needed the preparation and that is why it came my way...

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 3:53 am 0 comments
Saturday, September 12, 2020
 
The last of my housemates, the Chinese one, about whom I have written a few times, left today. I remember last year exactly at this time I had written about shifting from my solo house to this shared one and all my anxieties and worries about how it would be sharing with other people. Everything turned out much better than my expectations… till the pandemic struck. One by one they left and the only ones who remained, me and the Chinese girl, had a deep disagreement about safety measures in relation to the virus. I am quite cautious by nature and what is going on makes me extra cautious. She was also cautious but not as much as me and I think not having too long to stay in this country she wanted to make the most of it. If all this hadn’t happened maybe we wouldn’t have disagreed or been on bad terms, but who knows, maybe we still would have.

Today I am feeling a little sad though. I was living alone before and I am sure I will get used to it quickly but when a presence turns into absence you can’t help but mourn it. I sometimes even wonder if I was distancing myself deliberately over this disagreement so that when she left I wouldn’t feel all that bad. At a subconscious level it’s as if you are protecting yourself in some way… anyway she will leave so may as well prepare for it. The time I had in this house before the pandemic seems like a completely different world now… like all became dark and gloomy and quiet all of a sudden. I mourn for those days too in a way… The fact that I may never see her again seems odd to me. It’s almost when someone dies you know you will never see them again…in this case I might hear from them or read their messages at most but the chances of actually seeing each other in person are very dim. Our paths may never cross again. That gives me a weird, sad feeling. It also makes me regret that I did not mend things when I could have… but I realise that it’s just wishful thinking…

Hmm… so dear reader, I feel better pouring my heart out to you. It does feel heavier today… somehow I have been carrying on bravely in spite of everything… and having work has helped divert me in a good way… hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day… it always is…

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 1:13 am 0 comments
Friday, September 11, 2020
 

Unspoken the words
Say so much
What would it be like
If they could speak
I hear them
Loud and clear
In silence
I try
To draw them out
Let them
Come to the surface
But they fall short
Almost at the lips
As if saying them
Would break
Fake truces
Of formality

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 5:43 am 0 comments
Wednesday, September 02, 2020
 
I have been meaning to write about this for a while now but somehow keep getting side-lined into other things. I had checked my MBTI personality profile (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) quite many years ago and never thought about it much then. I did it again last year or so because it came up in one of the workshops. This time my curiosity was piqued. I discovered that the INTJ (Introverted Intuition, Thinking, and Judging) type which I am happens to be among the least common of the 16 personality types and the female INTJ is the rarest type among all! Needless to say this aroused my interest as well as my ego ;)

I joined a Facebook group dedicated to discussing the attributes or quirks of this type with the intention to learn more. I have to admit that since joining this group I have embraced my personality more fully and started understanding the disparate pieces that make me ‘me’ in a more unified sense. Things that seemed weird to me about myself or me just being me now seem to have some sort of underlying principle. The fact that my type is so rare does account for why I have always felt like an odd one out. For instance I always thought that I had a man’s brain in a woman’s body but now it appears it’s an INTJ thing. It creates an overriding dominance of Thinking/logic as opposed to Feeling in my personality. Not that I think men are logical and women are not but I would say I never fitted into the concept of how women are generally expected to think or be. Instead of an abnormal odd I now feel like an out of the ordinary odd...if you know what I mean. I also find it therapeutic in a sense to find others who think or operate the same way even if online…

I was keen to share this piece of info about my MBTI type or my “INTJness” as I call it because a lot of my reflections on this blog go back to who I am or how I am and I tend to connect this in my head to “how I function” or my INTJ functions… I intend to reflect on these connections in my future posts…

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 4:17 am 0 comments
HOME