Recently something struck me when I was looking through the shelves at Marks and Spencer’s for my usual desert option, jam and cream horns. I tried to imagine the taste of this desert and I didn’t feel particularly stimulated or excited. I realised that I was going for it mainly because it is tried and tested. I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it spectacularly and in fact the last few times I have bought it I have almost felt… nothing. So why do I choose to buy it and not something different, something I have never tasted, something whose taste I can’t even imagine… maybe it would surprise me? Thus goaded, I pushed myself to buy something completely different, ended up buying a blueberry jam filled muffin, and was severely disappointed. I got my answer right there ;) The jam and cream horns may not take me to heaven for the nth time now but they won’t make me fall flat on earth either.

Since having this realisation, I have been consciously testing it on other stuff. I have this yearning for ice cream when I watch Netflix after dinner. It happens to be really late in the night say 1.00 am or so and I try to divert my thoughts to other things like fruit but my mind keeps conjuring the image of an ice cream. In spite of deciding to have it only over weekends almost every night I have to ward off thoughts of ice cream :( But when I try to consciously imagine the taste of ice cream I get the sense that I am almost compelled to think about it out of custom rather than because I actually want to have it.

I am not sure how to interpret this. I mean, I obviously do enjoy the jam and cream horns and ice cream—I take particular care to buy the exact brand and flavour of ice cream I like after all. But there’s something else to it and I can’t quite put my finger on it. It’s about sort of doing something for the sake of doing it because I have done it before. The buying or having a different thing feels quite distressful compared to the comfort of knowledge and routine; it’s like one is seeking that comfort rather than the thing itself.

I am coming to the end of a long journey soon. Maybe it will take more than a few months but there is an end looming in the distance, the summit is finally visible, the last few miles have to be traversed. I must soon be there. The hardest stretch is behind me now and if I am at this point I am likely to reach the end. What happens after that is another matter but a big milestone would have been achieved...

Even when I didn't have the end in sight, unlike most people who worry about scaling the summit, my concern was always about the stage after that. I knew that no matter what or when, I would reach that goal if I kept going. I never had any doubt about eventually reaching it because all things remaining the same it seemed to be largely in my control. The phase after that though seems like unknown territory where I am going to need all the help I can get from the fates...

I don't want to seem churlish and annoy fate. I have had an illusion of control all this while because all things did stay the same more or less, discounting the pandemic of course ;) If they hadn't, I couldn't have single-mindedly focused on the mountain. Fate has been very kind to me indeed no matter how much I complain. It has been kindest to me in bringing me a source of support on this journey. I might have made this journey anyway but I wouldn’t be able to look back and forward with the sort of positivity and gratitude that I feel now. For that I have much to thank fate.

Maybe the future uncertain and difficult phase will also sort itself out. I wrote a post at the start of this journey that I intend to "be like the sparrow" referred to in the Bible. It does not have a care in the world and is still taken care of. Can't say it's in my nature to "not have a care" but I must remind myself that I have been cared for like the sparrow through this all... there is no reason why I won't be when it comes time to test my wings a bit more...

I randomly thought of this phrase "stewing in my own soup" the other day. I loved it so much that I wanted to write a post expressly to use it. But the last week or more has been busier than usual. One of those weeks where my thoughts haven't had the time or space to float. They have been focused on my research problem. Good thing too because I finished what I needed to in record time!

Something happened today to lower my mood. I tend to feel injustice very acutely. People seem to have this attitude of running roughshod over others because, well, they can. Given a teeny bit of power they don't seem to think twice before using it to gag those in their power or control them. It boggles my mind. Usually those who don't have innate wisdom will do this because being given power artificially is the only way they'll ever be able to wield it. Not with their thoughts or with their deeds. It pains me though to see it and not be in a position to do anything about it, to see injustice happen. It makes me feel guilty, complicit in some way... though I speak up. But I cannot do anything, change anything. It makes me wonder how to live in society, in structures where I will always be powerless, always have to watch mute or even if I speak up, I might not be heard. I cannot detach from the social world in entirety... then what do I do? Many people seem to just live detachedly. What doesn't affect them doesn't matter to them. It's not about me so what do I care. That's the attitude. But I am glad that's not me. I'd rather speak, act, feel... for justice, truth, empathy... even if it doesn't ease anything or anyone... It is better than being dead inside, it seems to me, dead to all that is human in one.