Somebody's said it succinctly: You can fool all the people some of the time, some of the people all the time, but not all the people all of the time. There is an individual who keeps trying to play me and a whole many others for a fool, while pretending to be an innocent victim of circumstances. In their head they probably think they are successful in their gimmicks. And they probably are with many gullibles. I watch with amusement as I see them try their tricks and gymnastics, now buttering A, now polishing B, now dancing with C, now trying to cover up their manipulative games with me.

If there is one thing that disgusts me more than anything else, that is ass kissing. I can spot the BS from a mile away before it has started to stink. What I don't really get is whether people don't spot it or they don't mind it or they use it to further their own game or... something else? I personally can't stomach it. Just watching makes me gag. Another option is people see through it but they have developed the ability to ignore it and get on with their own life. I am trying to develop that ability. Problem is, I can't tolerate deceit and ignoring something just because it won't affect me personally is hard to do. I trust that these kinds of characters will fall into the pits of their own making eventually. They wouldn't rely on these tactics if they had substance of their own... it's a question of how long till everyone notices it’s all empty within.

For some unfathomable reason, my subconscious threw up this Urdu sher (poem) today. I must have heard it umpteen number of times as a kid; it used to feature at the start of old Hindi movies. Today I have been thinking about what it means.

“Khudi ko kar buland itna ke har taqdeer se pehle

Khuda bande se khud pooche bata teri raza kya hai.”

~ Allama Iqbal

Rough translation:

Raise thyself to such heights that before writing your fate,

God Himself may ask, What is it that you wish for?

That's what I thought

But I don't know anymore

I keep repeating

These words

In my head

I thought I could

Predict your mind

Bank on you

I thought I knew

What you'd say

Or what you'd do

If with my

Blatant, blunt

Tongue

I said a thing

Or two

But that's what I thought

I don't know anymore

If you'd really

Be able to see

Where I come from

Where the sharpness

Of my words

Get their sting from

I thought you would

Indeed

That's what I thought

But what do I know anymore...

~Me

I watched a Tamil movie Super Deluxe on Netflix. It was like entering into a fantasy arthouse world, not sure how else to describe it. Magic realism meets music in motion. A world which imitates life but is not really anything like real life. Where things are predictable but at crucial moments completely out of joint with prediction. It was mind bendy in that sense but not in the science fiction sense—which feels clinical to me and not a genre I am keen on—but a life-art sense where you are immersed in the artist's unique imagination and rich aesthetic sensibilities but possibilities are not completely disconnected from some notion of the real...

I was interested to understand where the director was coming from or what they were like. I always have a curiosity to know the creator's mind or life better when I engage with any kind of interesting artistic product, generally literature. This interview with Thiagarajan Kumararaja didn't disappoint. There are many gems in there like when he talks about his early reflections on why certain greats like Picasso sold for millions while no one appreciated the art painted outside the local fruit shop for instance. He also gives an interesting take on why he doesn't like to give any explanation or deconstruction of his cinematic choices. He says that the past has only one path whereas the future has any number of possible paths. Likewise by not giving any explanation for the movie he was keeping those umpteen possibilities of perception open. What I really liked about Thiagarajan is his refusal to pander to the public. It's pretty clear that he wants to create movies that meet his own standard of excellence; this authenticity and integrity is probably what differentiates him from someone who just makes and sells movies (or anything else for that matter).

There is a bit where he talks about his creative process... and I couldn't but help relate it to my writing process, a big piece of which is the freedom to 'do nothing'. Not everyone gets it so it's wonderful to hear someone talking about it. Here's the bit:

Thiagarajan Kumararaja: "To be honest, some scenes you can crack in minutes. Sometimes the entire idea can be cracked in 30 minutes. But for that half an hour to happen, you'll laze around... go through that phase of... I was reading this quote a couple of days back... A writer is somebody who is writing when he is not writing...

 But it will convince you only when you get it on paper. You won't know when that moment will come."

I should learn to let go of riddles and mysteries instead of trying to solve every one of them. The other problem with this attitude is that I try to read more into situations, events or people than probably there is to read. That leads to misunderstandings and suspicions that are probably baseless. All because I want to figure it out. I am not sure of how to let go of the urge to find certainty—maybe truth—and be content in ambiguity, in not knowing, in not having perfect knowledge, in letting things just be. I read the term ‘letting-be’ in another context a while back and I realized that I really do not know how to ‘let be’. I have to poke and probe and trouble and get to the bottom. I cannot let it be. I don’t want to be dismissive of myself because I think a lot of good comes out of not letting things be. Letting be can in a sense amount to letting the status quo be. It is perhaps a position of some privilege. But maybe there is something to be said for balance? There always is, I imagine. How do I balance my desire for truth with a reasonable amount of uncertainty? How do I reconcile myself to the idea that there may be some inherent merit in letting be because not everything is fathomable or knowable… even to itself? That things might not be straightforward enough to ‘solve’ like a problem and multiple truths can coexist? I don’t know how to reach this state but as with all things… perhaps reflecting on this is as good a starting point as any…

I am back—not sure whether the word ‘home’ is apt for where I went to or where I am back to…? What I called home since my childhood seems to have become more of a transient place now, a place I visit, a place that I look forward to, a place that is my reward or treat… and where I am now is where I come back to, the everyday that I have come to be used to. The latter seems more like a definition of home but why be bound by definitions? So far in my life I have always wanted stable categories but now I am veering towards fluidity. I do not have to define this or that as home… home can be where the hearth is or heart is or any number of things. It felt like home in Mangalore but I have never really lived in Mangalore for any length of time… even though it is what I call ‘where I originally come from’. One could say that definition makes no sense so far as ‘home’ is concerned because I don’t have much of a lived history there. But one can’t discount a feeling, can one?

I have more to say on the topic of travel, place, rootedness etc but for another post…