I was at a workshop recently. My rare sojourns out of my home base Lancaster! I had to prepare myself for the demands on my social energy. Being around a large group of people for whole days including meals and breaks is more than my introvert battery can handle... but preparing myself in advance helps. Of course, if you hit it off well with the people around then that makes a big difference, and it did for me. Maybe I will pick on different strands of reflections in other posts...

I always have a nagging feeling about whether I said too much after saying something out loud in a formal group. I have had to sort of accept to myself for a while now—and I imagine I have ruminated about that here—that to try to be 'normal' or say the kinds of things in the kinds of ways the normal folks say is not possible for me. To put a positive spin on it, you can lock a candle or a lightbulb in a room, but you can't lock the sun. Each thing is going to manifest its property and to let it do that is best for it. So, I did my thing in one of the concluding sessions, and as I was coming out of the room, I asked my friend (one of whom I hit it off with) if I said too much. A black fellow attendee was passing by. I mention ethnicity for a reason. He just said: 'You spoke like an academic. I hope to get there someday!' It immediately put me at ease. This friend though—though she was trying to give me a perspective—was more about how the sun can get itself to be like the candle. What I liked about the black attendee's response, succinct as it was, was the insight that being a certain kind of person was why I was in this field and even if it wasn't the general 'norm', I fit right in with this group of people! I suppose I want people around me to appreciate me for what is me... and making me try to be a candle is a colossal waste of me! It has taken me a very long part of my life to realize that the people who saw fit to make me want to change myself were actually candles who didn't know better. I no longer try to cramp myself to fit into a tinier box... I just try to be around people who are comfortable with difference and who meet everyone as they are.

Another thing that struck me though seemingly non-striking was at the last breakfast. Another black fellow attendee (why I am connecting the two reflections) finished her breakfast and was hugging this girl next to her as she was saying her good-bye. They had become friends during this time, but I hadn't had a chance to know her. I had not interacted with her at all. But as she hugged this girl opposite me, her eyes met mine, and she came round and hugged me too. She said 'I won't discriminate' as she hugged me. I found that touching and thought provoking coming from her. It was a simple phrase, but it brought up a wealth of meaning for me. One of them is that only a person who is used to being discriminated, who sees gestures extended to others but not to oneself, could have said that. It was almost when she locked eyes with me, she put herself in my shoes and saw it from her eyes, the many times people were hugged but she wasn't. I did not feel that way myself because logically she didn't know me, and I would not expect she hug me (also I am not a hugger). But I could see where she was coming from in that gesture and those words...

Both these individuals inspired me with their wisdom... they barely used a sentence but still went into so much depth.

A curious analogy sprung in my head, and I HAD to put it down. I am writing something terribly philosophical... when am I not? ;) I want to complete it by the end of this week. I sort of think of myself as a third person sometimes when I have to get certain things done... as in I think about how to get me to do what I want, what would work, and so on. I know that pushing myself is not a good idea. Not because I won't do it but just that in the long term this is not a good strategy. I go this route only when there is absolutely no option. When it comes to writing well, I feel like it needs to be natural. And this is where my analogy popped up. I think it's a bit like boiling milk. It's going to take its own time. If I turn up the heat, the milk might spill. So the best course is to let it take its time. Be persevering but patient. It's a balance. If it takes more time, it does. I have to tell myself these things because I like very timely and neat closures and this weekend would mean a neat closure. However, I want to prepare for the fact that it might not close... but that's okay. What matters is a good outcome...