There is an uncle I see as I walk back from the campus to my temporary apartment (where I am based now in China). I say ‘uncle’ because though he might not be tremendously old (given that I am not all that young now!), he kind of gives me the vibe I have associated with ‘uncles’ growing up. His job seems to be to sweep the long paved footpath on my way where loads of leaves fall, sometimes rain, sometimes snow. Depending on what time of the day I am walking back, I see him a little bit earlier on the path or a little further down. What I found really striking about this uncle and perhaps why I thought of him as ‘uncle’, is that he always stops his sweeping when he notices me and gives me a very wide smile. He seems to gesture something with his expression which I assume is a greeting. This is quite out of the ordinary for me because the Chinese as a rule seem to have very static expressions for passers-by. I have passed many people on my way but he is the only one who actually smiles and that too so widely and warmly. Sometimes if I interact with a person a bit like a shopkeeper they may smile but it doesn’t seem to be something they do with strangers on the street. I thought it was quite nice to be smiled at like that especially after a workday. This happened a few times. Yesterday I left work a bit late. The thought came to me as I was walking back that I must have missed uncle. And lo and behold, as I was taking a turn on the street, he was there sitting in the driver’s seat of what resembles a rickshaw in India (or tuk-tuk in some other places). Over here people from lower-income backgrounds (farmers, small shop owners etc.) seem to be using this mode of transport for carting goods around. They are not available for transport to regular people as they are in India (sadly!). So as I was passing by, uncle gestured to me to sit in his rickshaw – I assume to drop me wherever I was going. That’s what the gesture looked like to me as he pointed to the passenger seat with his customary smile. Now, having grown up in Mumbai, and even otherwise being a very cautious person by nature, I am just not someone who spontaneously gets into a stranger’s vehicle. I did not doubt he is a good and kind person but somehow I did not feel it would be appropriate. Not to mention the fact that there was a language barrier. I later reflected that the way I found it quite charming to be greeted by a Chinese person in this way every other day, who knows he might have found it quite refreshing to be greeted too… by a foreign looking person? Anyway, I just waved my hand to him as a thank you gesture as well as a gesture that I am happy walking…

Against all this backdrop, I had been meaning to ask uncle if I could take a photo of him. Reason being I thought it would be a nice moment to capture on my trip and I could share it on my FB as an everyday moment too. But something about doing this made me uneasy. I couldn’t put a finger on it. And today I read something that gave me clarity about my discomfort. It was about how we tend to take pictures or videos of people around us these days and post them to the wider public without either taking their permission to do so or even if we do, they probably do not understand the ramifications in terms of how large an audience it was going to. Such pictures could always travel more widely once they are put out. And also, there are some people, people like us, whom we would be sensitive to about what pictures we take, where we post them etc., but with people like this uncle, it was almost like I was treating him like a token rather than a person…? Was I doing that? Why did I think it was okay to do that? And I assume it would be the same if it was say a rickshaw-walla or a flower vendor in India? I mean, in my defense, I would probably be capturing these pics to show a slice of life or a flavour of a place and not because I did not care about them as humans. But it still kind of makes me feel that there is an element of disrespect in that, if I do it without their full understanding or consent of what I am doing. After thinking through all this I do not feel it is right to take a pic of uncle. Perhaps my memories will have to serve… and of course this post :)

A roof over my head

Food in my belly

Books to read

Things to write

Music to listen

Warm bed to lay down

Pleasant walks

Clothes to indulge

My love of taste

Loving souls and brilliant minds

Sweet and kind presences

Surround me

All seems more

Much more

Than I could ask...

When I count my blessings

It would be foolish

To sigh

For the few missing things

I might have really liked

I started from little

Almost nothing

And have so much

More than I

Could have ever dreamt of...

My lesson is to cherish

The little and big things

That make life

Worth living

If there is more to come

I shall meet it gladly

If not

I have enough

With the hand

Fate dealt me

I have come a long way

Oh how long...

To become who I am

And still becoming

I must always remember

I am

Enough

More than

Enough...

~Me

Some time ago I was in a group situation with 5-6 other people where we all had to do a certain activity for the purpose of a discussion. Initially when 1-2 people did not do the activity, I brought it up. I felt that it did not allow us to have a meaningful discussion. I did not like having to bring it up because obviously no one likes to be ‘that guy’ but none of the others seemed to care to raise it. I am very deeply moved by questions of fairness and justice, and one of the things that motivated me to bring it up is the question of why anyone should do the activity if it’s okay for 1-2 people to not do it and get away with it? Those 1-2 people muttered some reasons for not being able to do the activity, but then again, what about the rest of us who struggled to stay up late or worked over the weekends to do it…? I just brought it up and didn’t push the matter further when they generally muttered some reasons. I thought it would discourage them from short-cutting in the future. But after a gap of few weeks, it turns out that the same 1-2 people were back at it. I actually like one of them, but it doesn’t make this irresponsible attitude any less annoying to me. This time, however, I reflected about my own feelings and stance towards all this and decided that I am going to keep quiet.

It’s not just because I don’t want to be the bad guy—though part of my reflection is about how the people who are more responsible paradoxically get the blame for being the bad guy. Sometimes I feel that if God had made me more happy-go-lucky, more laidback, more lax, more relaxed, more indisciplined, more irresponsible, less intellectually rigorous… that would have made me a more ‘popular’ person. Such a person is given a lot of leeway, a lot of benefit of doubt, a lot of rope, a lot of consideration… but funnily, if you are responsible, disciplined, committed, care about what you do, go the distance, you will be measured against a stricter standard! Or even a different invisible standard! Increasingly I feel like I cannot fight with the way of this world. And what am I to gain by fighting against it…? I lose a lot of energy, I lose a lot of emotion… and I lose my own motivation. I even start questioning if I am a good person?! Which seems like the height of the irony to me really! That people who are actually conscientious and push themselves to keep commitments have to feel this way… I mean, it would be something if people at least appreciated you for it. It would seem worth all the trouble for at least that reason. But without it, it just sometimes seems like a world I’d rather not have anything to do with… but that’s not possible so I have to find a way that works for me, that does not take too much energy out of me, too much emotion out of me, too much of my spirit out of me. If someone were to meet me where I am, I will care… But otherwise, I will let go…

When I met with the group this time, I did not bring up the fact that others hadn’t done the activity. Not surprisingly, more people hadn’t done it this time round. I did my thing and that’s what mattered to me. I had learnt something in the process of that and I had learnt something in reflecting from that. I had earned something, and I decided to focus only on that. I had also earned peace this way. And there’s a lot to be said for that…

Someone said something to me that I thought was unfair. I did not deserve the accusation. I could have defended myself. Thinking about it later, I have wondered if it’s that drastic a thing if someone thought something about me that wasn’t true. They said it so I know they think something that isn’t true. But there are many people around me or a bit distant from me who might have opinions or views they have formed that aren’t true. Would it make sense for me to go and defend myself to them…? But maybe it’s different when someone you believe should know you better or someone you want should know you as you are, holds an opinion that isn’t true. Something in you wants to bring them to a correct view. But I wonder if rational argument is the only way to do that or if it always achieves that? But if not, what other way is there? Sometimes defending oneself seems to have the opposite effect on people. They seem to think that you are ‘being defensive’ which generally means a negative. As if you are trying to defend what is indefensible. Maybe one way is to let them come to a better judgement themselves with time or more reflection or more data or more interaction with you or whatever other way they come by it. Sometimes having to defend oneself on something that should be rather evident—if they bothered to know you at all—feels pointless. Like it isn’t worth the effort. If they were someone worthy of being in your life, they should show better judgement. In such a situation perhaps not defending is to let things take the best course… either they realize their mistake soon enough without you saying a word, or they don’t and let themselves out...

Hello from China!

I was watching the movie 'The Children Act' last weekend (night before travelling). I love Emma Thompson (who plays the lead), and generally women whose personalities exude a strong character, I think. There's this dialogue which tickled me:

Fiona: It's the only place I was ever wild and free. Have you ever been wild and free, Nigel?

Nigel: uhh... no, never, thank God. I'd be hopeless at it.

I think I audibly laughed at this because I imagine I'd be hopeless at being 'wild and free' too... give me stability and routine and warm home and cosy tea any day! But then again, I suppose having these conditions is necessary for me to have my own kind of ‘wild and free’… in the head? How can I chew on something if I am busy putting out fires? On the other hand, if I enjoyed ‘wild and free’ in the world outside I’d probably not compare it to putting out fires… hehe!