I tend to hold people very lightly these days. I used to hold them very tightly when I was younger but now it's very light. It's as if a part of me is unconsciously waiting for them to let me down. When it happens, I am prepared. Water down a duck's back. Doesn't matter because I was always seeing it coming. So it can't hurt me. I saw it coming. When you are a person who hurts very deeply, you have to protect yourself. People are very fickle, here today and gone tomorrow, say this today and something else tomorrow, they'll ask you to be yourself today and take offence tomorrow. They won't see all the little actions you do, efforts you make, loyalties you show. I don't even expect them to anymore. Maybe someday they will surprise me. But I don't hold my breath. Maybe they won't and that's okay. Because I hold people so lightly now, letting go comes easy. I anticipated the moment and sort of taught myself to live like it would come soon. Because it's a rare thing really. For people to stick around, measure up, take the bad days and good days, see where you are coming from. Probably a lot of hard work. I don't blame them. But you know what. They don't get the hard work from me either. That they have to earn. Otherwise, it's water down a duck's back. Easy come, easy go.

Recently I read this story of a Chinese farmer:

Once there was a Chinese farmer who worked his poor farm together with his son and their horse. When the horse ran off one day, neighbors came to say, “How unfortunate for you!” The farmer replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”

When the horse returned, followed by a herd of wild horses, the neighbors gathered around and exclaimed, “What good luck for you!” The farmer stayed calm and replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”

While trying to tame one of wild horses, the farmer’s son fell, and broke his leg. He had to rest up and couldn’t help with the farm chores. “How sad for you,” the neighbors cried. “Maybe yes, maybe no,” said the farmer.

Shortly thereafter, a neighboring army threatened the farmer’s village. All the young men in the village were drafted to fight the invaders. Many died. But the farmer’s son had been left out of the fighting because of his broken leg. People said to the farmer, “What a good thing your son couldn’t fight!” “Maybe yes, maybe no,” was all the farmer said.

I have a tendency to jump to the worst conclusions when any event occurs. Oh no, why this! Why now! Why me! That’s my reaction. But when I think about it a bit after my initial disappointment, I realize that the event was actually not so bad and might even lead to something much better. In other words, what I thought was a curse was actually a blessing in disguise! There is something for me to learn from this story of the farmer. What seems good might actually not be so good and what seems bad at first sight, might actually not be so terrible. I suppose then one must cultivate a bit of a stoic cum open-minded attitude? Or hope that even in what looks bad one might be able to find hidden opportunities? Maybe one must look at every event as a door that could lead in many directions rather than a dead end or the end of the story. The story continues… until the end… and we in many ways have the power to shape its trajectory until we can’t no more.

I had a very eventful day the day before.

It started off very well with a kind lady offering me a lift to the campus on a DiDi (Chinese Uber). In Hindi we say 'naeki aur puch puch', meaning if you are doing a good deed, why ask! And not being an enthusiastic walker myself, it is like giving water to a thirsty man in a desert, I guess! Hehe! So, I happily arrive and go to my lecture room with a chirpier air because I wasn't dampened by a walk and sweat. Soon after I get there and start to settle in, I realise that my watch is missing. Normally I might have thought that I have forgotten whether I wore it or not but, on this day, I specifically remembered wearing the watch. I wondered if it came off when I got out of the car. I wished I had walked because then there was hope of retracing my steps and finding it. All I could think of--though I knew I should really be thinking about my lecture due to start in half an hour--was the history of the watch. I remembered the exact day I bought it 10 years ago. It was the most expensive watch I have ever bought though not expensive for a watch by objective standards. I thought about how beautiful it still was though it had been so many years. I yearned to have it back. I looked everywhere in the hope it was right there somewhere. You might wonder why such nostalgia and emotion for a watch... I could easily buy a new one and a more expensive one too. I suppose I develop a very deep attachment to things that I have had over a long period of time, and in a way I have them by my side for so long because I am attached to them. It's not about the money or not finding a new one. I started and finished my lecture with a very heavy heart. I had another lecture in an hour, and it was starting to get a bit cold. As I was getting my shawl from the back of the chair where I had placed it, lo and behold, there lay my watch under the chair! I was so jubilant to find it! It was almost a miracle to me. I found it hard to focus on my next lecture now because I couldn't help but think about how we realize the value of things only when they are gone... not that I did not realize its value but it was one of those things that I was using every day without ever reflecting about its significance to me. And suddenly in the space of two hours I couldn't think of anything else...

In the afternoon as I was starting to walk back home with my music on as usual, it turns out that one of my earphones for my iPod had suddenly stopped working. It was perfectly fine the day before and suddenly out of the blue, it was dead! I thought I could order one from Taobao but the quality of products can be quite tricky, so I decided to check with my Admin if they had one lying around for staff use. I couldn't believe how helpful they were because though they didn't have it, they said they'd order it and I should have it soon. Again, I thought about the history of my iPod... It was 14 years since I had purchased it, a time when there was no Bluetooth or any of that jazz. When they asked me if I wanted Bluetooth, I had to actually explain I wanted something really basic! I remembered the really long journey I have had with this iPod... how it has made my life and more so walks so enjoyable! It has all the music I need, and I cannot think of parting with it. But as I was thinking these thoughts, I also thought about how the same sort of thoughts had run through my head just that morning. And this incident too involved a thing and a helpful person though in a different sequence...

It seemed like an odd turn of events to happen on the same day, but I didn't know yet there was one more turn to come. I intended to collect some of my items from the Taobao collection point near my house. This is a bit like the Amazon collection points though here it looks more like a busy post-office with loads of packages and 3-4 people helping to run the shop. I assume these people might be a family because I see a middle-aged man, middled-aged lady, a teenager, and a small boy hanging around usually. They look at the collection number on our phones, help search for the item in the whole shop the arrangement of which completely beats me, scan the item which registers the collection in my phone immediately, etc. They probably help me more because I can't make any sense of a lot of it whereas many others seem to magically find what they want, scan their thing, and go their way. When I got there the place was empty. I had quite a few things to collect. As I was waiting for my things inside the shop, a longer queue was forming outside, and I noticed one of my students come in! I was a bit embarrassed to see my student in this place but he was standing right in front of me so there was no choice but to greet him. We started making some pleasantries in English. People in the queue meanwhile are fascinated to see two people, one a foreigner, talking in English! It's not very common in this small little town. To my utter embarrassment, the shop folks are unable to find one of my items and start communicating with my student in Chinese to get him to explain to me the situation! Had he not been there I would have used my translator app to communicate but these folks saw us talking in English and decided to communicate with him about my stuff! The missing item was a pair of shoes and though they were saying I might have collected them earlier, I knew I hadn't. Some back-and-forth dialogue ensues with my student acting as translator. The icing on the cake was when he saw I was slightly anxious, and said reassuringly, 'We will sort this together!' I was quite touched really, though also inwardly dying of embarrassment about inadvertently embroiling him in this situation! At one point he said that this must be an unpleasant experience for me. I had to say it would be an interesting one once they find my shoes! hehe! Which they did in a while. So, there I had my third epiphany of the day... something going wrong with a product, some helpful person in the mix!

Made me wonder what the design was behind this day ;)

I have been mulling over the way people see loyalty. For some people being loyal to someone or something (country, for example) is about seeing it as perfect. They either do not see imperfections or they don't admit it to themselves or confront it in any way. For such people the concept of being critical of someone they are loyal to is alien. For me personally, criticism is not spared for people I love or admire; I do not have to see them as perfect. I will critique them upfront, not behind their backs. In a way I have weighed in on their imperfections and in spite of all of it, I feel loyal to them. I do not admire them or feel loyalty because they are perfect; it is because in spite of their imperfections they are still exemplary in my eyes. They are still worth admiring, looking up to, being loyal to.

It seems to me that people of the former type will find it hard to understand or will misunderstand my propensity for critiquing people whom I admire because they might assume that my critiques mean I do not really hold them in high regard. That is not true at all though. To me admiring someone in spite of their imperfections is a truer measure of admiration as opposed to admiring someone whom I imagine to be all perfect. I would think that when people create an imaginary perfect version of a person and admire it, their admiration or loyalty is contingent on the continuation of a myth. It's fragile in that sense. In my case admiration and loyalty is rarely given because it does follow from seeing someone/thing for what it really is, and few things will pass the check point. But once they pass, their position is more or less intact.

A Hindi metaphor comes to mind. They say "chaand mein bhi daag hote hain", which means that even the beautiful moon has spots on it. I would think that someone who loves the moon because they assume it to be flawless does not really love the moon... someone who loves the moon in spite of its minor flaws genuinely does...