I went to see this attraction called 'The Little Mermaid' out here in Copenhagen. Reading the online description, a smallish sculpture of a womanly figure on a rock in the water facing the promenade, I knew it wasn't something I was particularly keen on. There are many things I am not fascinated by that people seem to be. But there is always this pressure to like what they like, do what they do. I was asked by different friends if I had been to see the little mermaid. You can't tell them, no, I haven't, because I don't really feel that excited about it. Instead, you have to at least pretend to want to see it. You know, because everybody does? Because how can you know beforehand you won't enjoy it? Because that's a major sightseeing spot? etc. That's what they'll tell you.

Sometimes I feel like a spectator watching a show when I am around hordes of people. Like an alien from another planet. I see all these performances, displays, tricks, games, fakeries, masks... People at the little mermaid were busy taking photos, selfies, so on. It was so crowded with tourists, all of them trying to do the same thing. I did too. I was there for the express purpose of showing people I visited it ;) I had ticked the box! And that made me think about how much of our lives are spent ticking boxes for other people. We get so used to it that perhaps we don't even know anymore, what is it that ticks my box? It's hard to live a life doing things that tick your own unique boxes because people will always make you feel like you are ‘missing out’ if you aren't ticking theirs, if you are following your own drumbeat so to speak... But it is still worth it, compared to the alternative, I’d think.

I am in Copenhagen for a work conference. Travelling is one of those things that is most disruptive to my routines. And yet there is something about some types of travel that I love. Something that sometimes compensates for all the trouble. I suppose there is a sense of experiencing another world, another life, another way of being, an-other whom I would never ordinarily meet...

One of the things I have found very striking—and perhaps need to find out why it is so—is people in Copenhagen speak English almost as if it’s a first language. For a traveller that makes many things pretty simple.

Some moments...

I asked the coordinator person at the airport train station which station might be close to such and such hotel. He says, "I stay at home, not at a hotel, I will need to check on the phone." He was quite matter of fact and not rude. I found his answer quite dry and funny actually (though unlike a British person who might have been deliberately doing dry humour, his face suggested he was just stating facts... hehe)

I pressed a button to a level on the lift to get a change of train. I had my suitcase with me and was on my way to my hotel. As I started moving out of the lift, one lady called after me that this wasn't the street level. I told her I had to get another train. I thought that was nice of her to go out of her way to stop me from getting off at the wrong floor?!

I was getting myself some lunch at the conference centre. The young person at the counter asked me if I wanted the Danish cake. I was eyeing it quite a bit because it was unusual­—brown, round shaped, rolled in sesame type sprinkles. She said it had rum. I decided not to go for it. I went for the large cookie instead. She wrapped it in a small paper cover. The cover looked thin. I asked if I could get another cover (just in case I needed to put it in my bag). She said you'll have to pay for it. Then suddenly said she was joking... took me by surprise!

Another one in a bakery (yes, I have been walking into any and every bakery I can lay my eyes on ;)). I saw very very huge bees circling some of the Danish pastries in this shop. I couldn't help point out to the person at the counter. She said honeybees are common over here. Then she said I shouldn't worry as she was giving me the croissant from a covered area behind the counter. I was still a little confused by the bee image ;)

The cardamom croissant I got had a subtle bitter aftertaste. I also had a mandarin flavoured ice cream which turned out to be bitter. I chose the flavour because I expected tangy sour stuff. I wasn't told it would be bitter. Who expects any ice cream flavour to be bitter?! :( Kind of made me think of how different cultures have their own unique flavour profile...

I treated you

Like a cup

The one

I use

For tea

Every day

How I love it

Or I wouldn't

Call upon it

For the best ritual

Of my day

But

Would it know?

Being used and rinsed

Morning after morning

As if

It was nothing

But a usable

Thing

It perhaps

Could never tell

The place

It holds

How its

Delicate, fragile, lovely

Contours

Cradled warmly

Brightened

My soul

Now

I behold you

Like the

Sacred statue

Up there

Atop a pedestal

Not to be

Called upon

Unless

To pray

Or worship

Ask for

Divine guidance

Not

As often

Or without

Grand occasion

As my

Favourite cup

And then too

I tremble

At a

Distance

Approach

Gingerly

Almost

Fearfully

What if

Some wayward

Word

Or gesture

Arouse

Your ire

Or worse still

Turn you

Away...  

~Me

I was just reading this story about a man who survived the Titanic, was asked to amputate his leg because he had a frostbite from the icy water, refused it, and went on to become a world tennis champion. I am amazed not just at the resilience and grit to survive and achieve success from such a difficult point but also struck by the confidence or faith or whatever it was that made him refuse the amputation. The risk involved in refusing what might have been an expert opinion to simply trust his own intuition or gut. I feel immensely inspired by this especially at this moment when I am reflecting on my own very low tolerance of risk and uncertainty... and how that causes tremendous anxiety for me whenever I am put in a situation where I have to make a decision that could be potentially risky. But when I look back on my life, I also feel I have actually made many decisions that most people would think are very risky. Such as the decision to leave everything... job, emotional bonds, support systems, stability, familiarity... all the things that ground me fundamentally... to come here where I had nothing and no one.

I am not at all what might be called an adventurous person who gets a kick out of the unknown. I'll take the known every day of my life and I will not be bored. And yet I took the risk to give up all that I know at one point... though I did not have to. So there must be something more in me. It is not that I do not take risks or do not venture into uncertainty. But perhaps it's natural to feel this tremendous turmoil given how much I like stabilities and certainties. It was not easy to make that decision then though I have forgotten just how difficult it was. And it is not easy to make these kinds of decisions now. It is perhaps my subconscious or intuition working out everything, weighing up pros and cons, pushing through all possibilities to see future outcomes... It takes a toll. Maybe it's a good thing too compared to simply jumping in headfirst without making any calculations...

So folks, I don't want to keep you on a cliffhanger ;) The story since my last post has undergone some dramatic twists and turns with resolution still not in the clear. Suffice to say that I might be back in business, or in 'the house'. Or I might not! The funny thing is that having once been made to accept that I will not have 'the house', the possibility of it actually working out either way now is something I am finding much easier to digest. Once having made peace with the fact that it's definitely not to be, I am facing the possibility of it materializing (or not) with a lot more equanimity. I suppose a big part of it is that I am a 'worst case scenario' person. Unlike other people who look at the best possibilities in any situation, I hope for the best but always keep the worst in mind. I have to admit that with 'the house' thing I had become lulled into hope. I had not expected the worst. When I got the news, I started getting to grips with what it meant the whole entire day. I even thought that the very fact I wanted it so much should have been indication enough that I wasn't going to... I came to a painful kind of acceptance, maybe even a cynical one, that anything that looked too good to be true was probably so in my case. When the very next morning I got another news that maybe it was going to happen after all... imagine the roller coaster of feelings! But... there was a big difference. In the space of that one day, the hopeful enthusiastic me was gone. Things are still up in the air now. But I am okay if it happens, okay if not.

Practically speaking, I am going to shift someplace temporarily even while 'the house' situation works itself out. Not my favourite situation to be in and one I have been trying my darndest to avoid. Let's hope it all ends well ;)