“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.

“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

~ J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

I feel a bit of a sombre mood on me. As if a dark cloud is slowly gathering over the world… everything is getting swept under it. If I look around me or if I look farther afield it’s as if we are just cautiously taking it one day at a time, trying not to topple the apple cart but also aware that the cart is balanced quite precariously. And it’s only a matter of time. I wish things were different, everyone was happy, everyone was healthy, we were all going to work chirpily and looking forward to the impending holidays, just a lot of fun and food and then back to doing things we enjoyed,… wish it was that kind of world, if you know what I mean. But instead, it feels like we do not know what tomorrow will bring and all we have is today. That too in short stock. I have never been much of a today person and maybe that’s why it affects me more. I look at the past and I look into the future. If I had to put my finger on when the world’s mood changed and things started going downhill, I would probably say Covid… it’s as if after Covid nothing’s really been going right. Nothing’s quite the same. But as Tolkein said, maybe there is no use wishing all this hadn’t happened and things could go back to how they were and take a better turn from there. Things could go back to that point and follow a different route altogether. No point wishing… All we can do is make the best use of what is in front of us. I don’t know what that is in my present mood. Maybe it will come…

There is an uncle I see as I walk back from the campus to my temporary apartment (where I am based now in China). I say ‘uncle’ because though he might not be tremendously old (given that I am not all that young now!), he kind of gives me the vibe I have associated with ‘uncles’ growing up. His job seems to be to sweep the long paved footpath on my way where loads of leaves fall, sometimes rain, sometimes snow. Depending on what time of the day I am walking back, I see him a little bit earlier on the path or a little further down. What I found really striking about this uncle and perhaps why I thought of him as ‘uncle’, is that he always stops his sweeping when he notices me and gives me a very wide smile. He seems to gesture something with his expression which I assume is a greeting. This is quite out of the ordinary for me because the Chinese as a rule seem to have very static expressions for passers-by. I have passed many people on my way but he is the only one who actually smiles and that too so widely and warmly. Sometimes if I interact with a person a bit like a shopkeeper they may smile but it doesn’t seem to be something they do with strangers on the street. I thought it was quite nice to be smiled at like that especially after a workday. This happened a few times. Yesterday I left work a bit late. The thought came to me as I was walking back that I must have missed uncle. And lo and behold, as I was taking a turn on the street, he was there sitting in the driver’s seat of what resembles a rickshaw in India (or tuk-tuk in some other places). Over here people from lower-income backgrounds (farmers, small shop owners etc.) seem to be using this mode of transport for carting goods around. They are not available for transport to regular people as they are in India (sadly!). So as I was passing by, uncle gestured to me to sit in his rickshaw – I assume to drop me wherever I was going. That’s what the gesture looked like to me as he pointed to the passenger seat with his customary smile. Now, having grown up in Mumbai, and even otherwise being a very cautious person by nature, I am just not someone who spontaneously gets into a stranger’s vehicle. I did not doubt he is a good and kind person but somehow I did not feel it would be appropriate. Not to mention the fact that there was a language barrier. I later reflected that the way I found it quite charming to be greeted by a Chinese person in this way every other day, who knows he might have found it quite refreshing to be greeted too… by a foreign looking person? Anyway, I just waved my hand to him as a thank you gesture as well as a gesture that I am happy walking…

Against all this backdrop, I had been meaning to ask uncle if I could take a photo of him. Reason being I thought it would be a nice moment to capture on my trip and I could share it on my FB as an everyday moment too. But something about doing this made me uneasy. I couldn’t put a finger on it. And today I read something that gave me clarity about my discomfort. It was about how we tend to take pictures or videos of people around us these days and post them to the wider public without either taking their permission to do so or even if we do, they probably do not understand the ramifications in terms of how large an audience it was going to. Such pictures could always travel more widely once they are put out. And also, there are some people, people like us, whom we would be sensitive to about what pictures we take, where we post them etc., but with people like this uncle, it was almost like I was treating him like a token rather than a person…? Was I doing that? Why did I think it was okay to do that? And I assume it would be the same if it was say a rickshaw-walla or a flower vendor in India? I mean, in my defense, I would probably be capturing these pics to show a slice of life or a flavour of a place and not because I did not care about them as humans. But it still kind of makes me feel that there is an element of disrespect in that, if I do it without their full understanding or consent of what I am doing. After thinking through all this I do not feel it is right to take a pic of uncle. Perhaps my memories will have to serve… and of course this post :)

A roof over my head

Food in my belly

Books to read

Things to write

Music to listen

Warm bed to lay down

Pleasant walks

Clothes to indulge

My love of taste

Loving souls and brilliant minds

Sweet and kind presences

Surround me

All seems more

Much more

Than I could ask...

When I count my blessings

It would be foolish

To sigh

For the few missing things

I might have really liked

I started from little

Almost nothing

And have so much

More than I

Could have ever dreamt of...

My lesson is to cherish

The little and big things

That make life

Worth living

If there is more to come

I shall meet it gladly

If not

I have enough

With the hand

Fate dealt me

I have come a long way

Oh how long...

To become who I am

And still becoming

I must always remember

I am

Enough

More than

Enough...

~Me

Some time ago I was in a group situation with 5-6 other people where we all had to do a certain activity for the purpose of a discussion. Initially when 1-2 people did not do the activity, I brought it up. I felt that it did not allow us to have a meaningful discussion. I did not like having to bring it up because obviously no one likes to be ‘that guy’ but none of the others seemed to care to raise it. I am very deeply moved by questions of fairness and justice, and one of the things that motivated me to bring it up is the question of why anyone should do the activity if it’s okay for 1-2 people to not do it and get away with it? Those 1-2 people muttered some reasons for not being able to do the activity, but then again, what about the rest of us who struggled to stay up late or worked over the weekends to do it…? I just brought it up and didn’t push the matter further when they generally muttered some reasons. I thought it would discourage them from short-cutting in the future. But after a gap of few weeks, it turns out that the same 1-2 people were back at it. I actually like one of them, but it doesn’t make this irresponsible attitude any less annoying to me. This time, however, I reflected about my own feelings and stance towards all this and decided that I am going to keep quiet.

It’s not just because I don’t want to be the bad guy—though part of my reflection is about how the people who are more responsible paradoxically get the blame for being the bad guy. Sometimes I feel that if God had made me more happy-go-lucky, more laidback, more lax, more relaxed, more indisciplined, more irresponsible, less intellectually rigorous… that would have made me a more ‘popular’ person. Such a person is given a lot of leeway, a lot of benefit of doubt, a lot of rope, a lot of consideration… but funnily, if you are responsible, disciplined, committed, care about what you do, go the distance, you will be measured against a stricter standard! Or even a different invisible standard! Increasingly I feel like I cannot fight with the way of this world. And what am I to gain by fighting against it…? I lose a lot of energy, I lose a lot of emotion… and I lose my own motivation. I even start questioning if I am a good person?! Which seems like the height of the irony to me really! That people who are actually conscientious and push themselves to keep commitments have to feel this way… I mean, it would be something if people at least appreciated you for it. It would seem worth all the trouble for at least that reason. But without it, it just sometimes seems like a world I’d rather not have anything to do with… but that’s not possible so I have to find a way that works for me, that does not take too much energy out of me, too much emotion out of me, too much of my spirit out of me. If someone were to meet me where I am, I will care… But otherwise, I will let go…

When I met with the group this time, I did not bring up the fact that others hadn’t done the activity. Not surprisingly, more people hadn’t done it this time round. I did my thing and that’s what mattered to me. I had learnt something in the process of that and I had learnt something in reflecting from that. I had earned something, and I decided to focus only on that. I had also earned peace this way. And there’s a lot to be said for that…

Someone said something to me that I thought was unfair. I did not deserve the accusation. I could have defended myself. Thinking about it later, I have wondered if it’s that drastic a thing if someone thought something about me that wasn’t true. They said it so I know they think something that isn’t true. But there are many people around me or a bit distant from me who might have opinions or views they have formed that aren’t true. Would it make sense for me to go and defend myself to them…? But maybe it’s different when someone you believe should know you better or someone you want should know you as you are, holds an opinion that isn’t true. Something in you wants to bring them to a correct view. But I wonder if rational argument is the only way to do that or if it always achieves that? But if not, what other way is there? Sometimes defending oneself seems to have the opposite effect on people. They seem to think that you are ‘being defensive’ which generally means a negative. As if you are trying to defend what is indefensible. Maybe one way is to let them come to a better judgement themselves with time or more reflection or more data or more interaction with you or whatever other way they come by it. Sometimes having to defend oneself on something that should be rather evident—if they bothered to know you at all—feels pointless. Like it isn’t worth the effort. If they were someone worthy of being in your life, they should show better judgement. In such a situation perhaps not defending is to let things take the best course… either they realize their mistake soon enough without you saying a word, or they don’t and let themselves out...

Hello from China!

I was watching the movie 'The Children Act' last weekend (night before travelling). I love Emma Thompson (who plays the lead), and generally women whose personalities exude a strong character, I think. There's this dialogue which tickled me:

Fiona: It's the only place I was ever wild and free. Have you ever been wild and free, Nigel?

Nigel: uhh... no, never, thank God. I'd be hopeless at it.

I think I audibly laughed at this because I imagine I'd be hopeless at being 'wild and free' too... give me stability and routine and warm home and cosy tea any day! But then again, I suppose having these conditions is necessary for me to have my own kind of ‘wild and free’… in the head? How can I chew on something if I am busy putting out fires? On the other hand, if I enjoyed ‘wild and free’ in the world outside I’d probably not compare it to putting out fires… hehe!

In Hindi there is a saying 'Bhonkne waale kutte kaat tae nahin hain'. Roughly means 'Barking dogs don't bite'. It's a bit similar to the English saying, 'All bark and no bite'. I have been thinking about this sort of creature who makes a lot of noise but has very little substance. I suppose what I am intrigued about is how does such a person end up convincing even intelligent people with their bark?

I vaguely remember this story in the news—but there are many such stories—where this woman pretended to be a rich celebrity and conned the entire celebrity world about her credentials, looting a lot of money. On the face of it, it seems ridiculous. A person shows up with the confidence of a celebrity, throws around a fake persona with nothing whatever to back it up, and people believe her? Seems dumbfounding, right? But my observations have given me the insight that fairly sensible people can be fairly gullible if they take people on trust, if they take everything at face value. If someone comes along confidently and says they are an expert at moondust, what will you say? Most people, as I notice, will say, wow, that's interesting! Would you care to come and do a talk on moondust?(!) That is right up the confident con-person's street of course. Con-person goes and gives a waffly waffle talk on moondust. Next thing you know they are asked to give another one of these talks somewhere else. And before you know it, they are everywhere. Giving 'talks' on 'moondust'. And people are buying it hook, line, sinker. You, a minority of critical thinkers, will firstly not be comfortable sharing your critical opinion. You know that con-person does not know shit about moondust. But you cannot say that without making everyone seem like a fool. Everyone cannot be one so it must be you! And if you make the dreadful mistake of telling someone, they will not look into the con-person's credibility or their credentials to talk moondust. Instead, they will turn on you! They will question your inability to trust people at face value. They will question your intentions. They will make you seem like the bad guy for pointing out the obvious fact that you can't see the emperor's clothes! What eventually happens is the con-person's influence continues to grow at the back of all this 'bark'. So much so that at some point it will seem ludicrous to even question if there is any substance behind it all. How can there not be, how could they be all over the place if there was nothing underneath...? You see? How that celebrity con could have easily happened?

I do like the idea of nice people trusting everyone in a land of milk and honey. But we do not live in such a land. So, I feel that it is the nice people who end up letting very bad people take over. It is obviously tough to stand against barking dogs, particularly once they have fooled some people with their conning tricks. But real niceness would mean standing against in spite of. Not going with the current.

I have been a bit of a deer caught in the headlights the last few weeks. One of the strangely positive things I realize about myself is that my hyperfocus kicks in when I have high anxiety—instead of falling apart I tend to focus deeply on whatever I am doing and become extra productive at it. I become a bit more creative with my writing especially if I am emotionally charged. That is why maybe when I am most down in the dumps, I tend to come out of it with something... Maybe it is a coping strategy of sorts. Another article of mine got published last week and it was born when I was going through one of these times. It is especially close to my heart because a piece of me got written into it... Happy to share with you here, my dear readers.

So... it's time for another round of wrap-up. Another season is coming to an end, metaphorically speaking, though I feel like it quite literally. I am busy tying up some loose ends, creating new beginnings for another series, lot of things are crashing on me (like my phone and toaster!), and lot of things are building up for the audience to want to stick around for another season. If you have been paying attention to the last season at all, you know that it's almost time for me to leave for China! I travel next Sunday... and before I am back I would have travelled to more places, seen more people, done more things, tasted more stuff,... than I have in the past 8 months! I am excited to take off but nervous till I land in my new abode for the next 2.5 months. I suppose you will hear all about everything... :)

Never forget where you came from. That's what I am telling myself today. Not that there is a danger of that. It’s what keeps me grounded. When you soar higher you could easily misremember what walking feels like. You could even forget you ever walked. You could look down on all those walking below you. But if you can see yourself among them, one of those walking, you won't. The walker will always be in you, no matter how high you soar. And I believe that is a good thing. It keeps you grounded. It keeps you rooted. It helps you keep sight of the real things. Your authenticity, your humanity, your values, etc.

The other thing, be grateful for those who are there for you even in an imperfect way. I have a tendency to critique people who do stuff for me because they are doing it wrong or wobbly or inaccurately or sloppily or whatever. I ask myself if they did not do what they did, what would I have? They are at least there in whatever way they can be. I have to learn to appreciate that. I have to learn to accept people in whatever ways they show up. Showing up is the thing and they are doing that for me. Not everyone does.

I feel I have grown as a person over the years...funnily, I have come closer to understanding people the more distance I have taken… the more solitude I have embraced…grown in my self-awareness... in the rope I am ready to extend to people... in the amount of appreciation I can have for why people will do what they do... or in trying to see things from many different perspectives... obviously I will not tolerate deception, manipulation, bullshitters, backstabbers, apple polishers, and the like... but where a basic integrity is a given, I think I am more human. Or maybe it's called growing older and wiser :)

I was at a workshop recently. My rare sojourns out of my home base Lancaster! I had to prepare myself for the demands on my social energy. Being around a large group of people for whole days including meals and breaks is more than my introvert battery can handle... but preparing myself in advance helps. Of course, if you hit it off well with the people around then that makes a big difference, and it did for me. Maybe I will pick on different strands of reflections in other posts...

I always have a nagging feeling about whether I said too much after saying something out loud in a formal group. I have had to sort of accept to myself for a while now—and I imagine I have ruminated about that here—that to try to be 'normal' or say the kinds of things in the kinds of ways the normal folks say is not possible for me. To put a positive spin on it, you can lock a candle or a lightbulb in a room, but you can't lock the sun. Each thing is going to manifest its property and to let it do that is best for it. So, I did my thing in one of the concluding sessions, and as I was coming out of the room, I asked my friend (one of whom I hit it off with) if I said too much. A black fellow attendee was passing by. I mention ethnicity for a reason. He just said: 'You spoke like an academic. I hope to get there someday!' It immediately put me at ease. This friend though—though she was trying to give me a perspective—was more about how the sun can get itself to be like the candle. What I liked about the black attendee's response, succinct as it was, was the insight that being a certain kind of person was why I was in this field and even if it wasn't the general 'norm', I fit right in with this group of people! I suppose I want people around me to appreciate me for what is me... and making me try to be a candle is a colossal waste of me! It has taken me a very long part of my life to realize that the people who saw fit to make me want to change myself were actually candles who didn't know better. I no longer try to cramp myself to fit into a tinier box... I just try to be around people who are comfortable with difference and who meet everyone as they are.

Another thing that struck me though seemingly non-striking was at the last breakfast. Another black fellow attendee (why I am connecting the two reflections) finished her breakfast and was hugging this girl next to her as she was saying her good-bye. They had become friends during this time, but I hadn't had a chance to know her. I had not interacted with her at all. But as she hugged this girl opposite me, her eyes met mine, and she came round and hugged me too. She said 'I won't discriminate' as she hugged me. I found that touching and thought provoking coming from her. It was a simple phrase, but it brought up a wealth of meaning for me. One of them is that only a person who is used to being discriminated, who sees gestures extended to others but not to oneself, could have said that. It was almost when she locked eyes with me, she put herself in my shoes and saw it from her eyes, the many times people were hugged but she wasn't. I did not feel that way myself because logically she didn't know me, and I would not expect she hug me (also I am not a hugger). But I could see where she was coming from in that gesture and those words...

Both these individuals inspired me with their wisdom... they barely used a sentence but still went into so much depth.

A curious analogy sprung in my head, and I HAD to put it down. I am writing something terribly philosophical... when am I not? ;) I want to complete it by the end of this week. I sort of think of myself as a third person sometimes when I have to get certain things done... as in I think about how to get me to do what I want, what would work, and so on. I know that pushing myself is not a good idea. Not because I won't do it but just that in the long term this is not a good strategy. I go this route only when there is absolutely no option. When it comes to writing well, I feel like it needs to be natural. And this is where my analogy popped up. I think it's a bit like boiling milk. It's going to take its own time. If I turn up the heat, the milk might spill. So the best course is to let it take its time. Be persevering but patient. It's a balance. If it takes more time, it does. I have to tell myself these things because I like very timely and neat closures and this weekend would mean a neat closure. However, I want to prepare for the fact that it might not close... but that's okay. What matters is a good outcome... 

I thought I was never going to encounter at least this particular tragedy in my life. I have gone until now averting it when most of my friends and foes have likely fallen to it. I had my tricks and techniques, mind you. It wasn’t purely an accident or good luck. I think I have had occasion to mention it on this blog before though I am not sure. Something of this import one does not forget to mention for all these years. But finally, maybe it was complacency, I had let my guard down probably. Enough of the suspense, I can hear you say. Well, my dear readers, the hairdresser ignored my instruction to ‘maintain my hair length’ and chopped it off willy nilly. It was too late by the time I caught on to it :( I was increasingly getting the dreary feeling that I was seeing a lot more hair going snippety snip but the fear of that being the case was overpowered by what would happen if I stopped the guy mid-snip? It couldn’t get worse but it could! I do not know when my hair has been this short… perhaps not since my school days? :’)

I am, all said and done, proud of the way I have handled a calamity of this magnitude. If you knew how much I hate change, you would really understand the magnitude of it. So given everything, I admit I am proud of myself. At first I did feel like the earth had fallen over me… and then I reminded myself of a point I have been making to myself lately. That because I am never going to initiate a change myself, any change that gets initiated almost on its own must be considered part of some divine plan. As if God is saying, ‘This is for your own good. Just try it out.’ And I am responding to it with a gingerly, ‘I hear you, let’s see how this goes’. Instead of crying and wailing and wishing things were the same. And this is really changing my attitude for the better. Perhaps—and this is something well known—the very fact that I am taking things with this attitude is making things seem better than otherwise. I suppose if you see things with rose-coloured glasses, they are going to look rosy? It’s not rocket science, right? Well, I am getting used to seeing myself in the mirror without my signature top bun. I had grown a bit tired of my usual hairstyle, to be honest, but I would never have decided to chop off my hair for that reason. So maybe there is something to my idea… that some necessary changes get kicked off when we do not show signs of making those changes ourselves :) 

On this subject, I love this episode from Fleabag: That Hilarious Haircut Scene from Fleabag | Prime Video - YouTube

The fear of missing out is real. Particularly when these days there are so many messages blasting at us from all directions about what we missed out on or are missing out on. It's likely these messages are fake... trying to create an illusion of a fabulous life everyone else is missing out on. Social media has made us into creatures who, instead of enjoying a thing in itself, are more concerned about telling others all about it. You see it everywhere. I remember watching the fireworks at the Burj Khalifa on New Year's eve and everyone around me was busy recording that moment. No one was interested in watching the fireworks as such. It seems to me this craze to show off or show others what we are in on or ahead of has taken some deeper joy out of our lives.

I want to consciously cultivate a sort of detached attitude to things that I am seemingly 'missing out on'. Not because there will be many other chances to do that thing or that thing wasn't so great anyway or anything like that but because... in a very essential sense, you can't miss out on anything that's meant for you. This I want to do along with being more present to the things that I do participate in. The fewer things I participate in the more fully I can be present as well. By being more present, I mean being present for itself, present for the direct meaning or joy I derive from it, and not for the sake of something else. Not because I don't want to 'miss out', not because I want to tell others about what fantastic thing I was a part of, not because I want to put pics on social media and garner likes. That has its place unfortunately in this world where making is not enough, you have to market as well. But as a rule I want to cultivate this attitude.