To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
-- Louisa May Alcott.
...........hmmm....that more or less describes my situation !!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
-- Aristotle

Monday, December 31, 2001
Farewell ......curite noctis equi

Who will call me Syl Jams? when he is gone.... It may sound like a funny name and it probably is. Don't know. I like it very much.

Maybe because it makes me feel like a naughty child, maybe because there is a personal ring to it, maybe just the fact that someone thought of a name especially for me. (no matter how weird).

It didn't take me long to get used to the new sound of my name. As I think now, I can't remember him calling me by my real name ever. Infact, even the others now call me by this name sometimes. Makes me smile, as the incongruity of it strikes me at these times.

A few days ago, when he announced that he would be quitting this job soon, strangely, the first thing that popped into my head was the name 'Syl Jams'. I have noticed, though I don't know if it's a general rule, that in tense moments our mind suddenly throws up a funny or an outlandish thought. I wondered if, after he was gone, the name would simply die out. Would anyone ever call me that? There'll be no more a 'Syl Jams'. Who would think of such a name but him?

Anyway, today is his last day. One thing that I felt about him, I could be wrong, he will probably be the first to say I am, is that he tries to appear more unemotional and detached than he really is. Infact, goes to great lengths to make himself convincing. Well, I haven't been convinced.......

I can't imagine anyone being as patient as he has been over the kind of shoddy work I did (not even myself). If he was especially nice to me, there was no reason to be. I wished he would criticize or chastise me, as he did with some others, so I could stop feeling guilty about the whole thing. I remember promising myself that this time I will do my best. This time I will prove to him that I could do as well as anybody else and he hadn't been wrong in being lenient with me. This time I will elicit heart-felt praise from him and not a half-hearted "fine".

I'm sorry he must leave before I could carry out my promise. Maybe he had managed to spoil me a little, but I'm still indebted.

Once, when I was in an emotionally vulnerable mood, he happened to question me on a piece of work, I felt close to tears. I knew it had nothing to do with him and he sensed something was wrong with me. Who would have come onto the messenger and inquired what the matter was? If there was something he could do? Who would have promised me a sweet if I smiled again? Who would have asked me to "Chill"? Who, indeed?

I can't help feeling more than a little sad that he's leaving even though it's not more than six months since I know him. When the fellow who carries in the tea everyday, comes in tomorrow, I will miss the familar words "Mera apna ek yeh-woh" .......and when I suddenly turn around, I know I won't be confronted with "Syl Jams, so what do you have to say about this?"