To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
-- Louisa May Alcott.
...........hmmm....that more or less describes my situation !!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
-- Aristotle

Friday, June 07, 2002
I have my weaknesses, as much as anybody else (if not more) and the worst among them is jealousy. I can control my anger, hide my fear, camouflage my pride, but when it comes to jealousy, I have no defenses. I'm conquered. And once it conquers me, the anger, fear, pride and all other enemies I've so painstakingly kept at bay, push their advantage and I fall a prey to them too.

The worst thing about jealousy is that it involves the heart and when the heart comes in, the mind becomes useless. No matter how much the mind tries to talk sense, the heart will not listen; the pictures that jealousy presents to its imagination are far more real and convincing (far, far more if the heart has learnt to fear more than trust) than any logic the brain can devise.

I've heard tell that only the heart that loves knows jealousy. I wonder. If the heart loves, then why does it entertain jealousy, which kills the very object it feeds on? Isn't a trusting heart, that will not be swayed and taken in by such a threatening agent, more purer and truer to the loved object? I do not know.

But for better or worse, I am sickeningly prone to it. I do not feel this emotion at all times or for everyone, but only when it comes to those who have a very special place in my heart. I tell myself that I should be secure in their affections and not fall a victim to doubt and jealousy, but human as we are and human as I am, even when we are sure, we want to be reassured. Even when we know, we want to hear. In the process, we fall in the eyes of the very people whom we are extremely devoted to. We hurt them by our incapacity to trust and believe. We, ironically and perversely, disturb their faith in us. We are now happy that the bond is as secure as we thought it was, but we do not realize that we've actually managed to weaken it.

True, the fault is ours and we have no excuse, other than that maybe, that our hearts breed jealousy......only because it breeds on love...