To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
-- Louisa May Alcott.
...........hmmm....that more or less describes my situation !!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
-- Aristotle

Saturday, February 23, 2008
A very common question I encountered, in those school/college scrapbook things, is "what is the most embarrassing moment of your life?" I remember not knowing what exactly to write in this section, because I never seemed to have had occasion to be embarrassed to the point that I would actually remember the incident for later reference. Not so surprising too, because being extremely sensitive to embarrassment, especially public ones, I was careful not to get into scrapes which could likely have embarrassing outcomes.

What happened yesterday though will certainly go down as the most embarrassing moment of my life (had it happened earlier, those scrapbooks shouldn't have had one section empty). I wished either the earth would swallow me or the heavens would open up and gobble me.

To begin at the beginning. I was nominated for a prize along with a certain other person. The name of this other person was announced first as the first nomination and as I understand now, my name was announced next. Due to some disturbance in my hearing or some trick played by the Gods themselves (hah, she certainly deserves to have one embarrassing moment in life! I imagine they said), I was deceived into thinking that my name was announced as the winner instead of as the nominee. I got up from my seat and almost went up to the prize distributor. Imagine my surprise, consternation, embarassment, dejection, horror, shock.....when I noted that everyone instead of smiling or cheering, was staring awkwardly at me! ugh!! I returned to my seat trying to keep my face as grave as possible without actually resembling the graveyard. All would have been okay if I actually did receive the prize, but I didn't. It must have been one of the most embarrassing (I said that before) and toughest moments of my life, to carry on as if nothing had happened (the moment I was all alone, I cried a hearty cry).

Were I essentially a prize lover sort of person, I could have probably calmed myself more easily. But to not be awfully enamoured of such things, and yet to come across as an over-excited creature…well!

Funny though it might sound, I have to admit I have been dying of embarrassment every time am replaying the incident in my head (which must be every five minutes). This episode has made me think, not that I haven’t thought of it before, that I take myself and things too seriously at times. I guess I look at falling down or goofing up as a damage to my dignity… but guess dignity is not about not making mistakes, it’s more about making them and taking them gracefully… and I guess I should try to be, as I keep saying to myself, less afraid of making mistakes, less afraid of opening myself to strange or unfamiliar challenges, to possible embarrassments… I may fall… but it’s not one who doesn’t ever fall, but the one who keeps falling and in the process learning, who emerges a more enlightened and even a happier individual.