A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

 
Personality Vs. Character

Have you noticed that any problem today has a quick fix solution? Need to improve your relationship with friends? Here are five simple steps. Want to lose weight before Christmas? Just follow these 10 rules. Want to become an effective leader? You can’t go wrong if you do this, that and the other. Your career is going through a downturn? Never mind, help is not too far away, all you have to do is point 1, point 2, point 3, and you’ll be back on track.

Have you noticed how everything today is reduced to a checklist?

It would appear that there is nothing you cannot fix or attain, simply by following some simple rules, without putting in much sweat or thought or time into the process.

How effective are these simple rules?

I was forced to ponder about this when I started reading “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. The author lamented the “quick fix” approach to problem-solving that exists today, and pointed out how we are increasingly moving towards a “Personality Ethic” based world from that of a “Character Ethic”.

The Personality Ethic is where you believe that making outward or cosmetic changes to your personality will bring about desired results, and bring them fast. Say you are not perceived as being empathetic. You could learn certain mannerisms or behaviours or gestures (rules, remember?) and make yourself appear empathetic. Chances are high that people would be fooled by outward displays of empathy; but how long before they see through the mask? The Personality Ethic is all about immediate success and not about a long-term solution. It attacks the symptom rather than the problem. The problem persists, and sooner or later, raises its head in a different form.

The Character Ethic, opposed to it, does not provide any quick remedies. To be an empathetic human, you cannot do X, Y and Z; you need to cultivate empathy in your character and value system by understanding what empathy means, why it is desirable, what it means to be empathetic—and adopt it from within. You cannot afford to skim the surface but must dive deep into yourself. When the changes occur internally, the outward attitude and behaviour are bound to follow. This may take time and effort but the results are permanent.

The Character Ethic is based on “principles”– right principles lead to right actions, which lead to lasting successes in the long run.
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 10:27 pm 3 comments

 
Mangalore Calling

Going to Mangalore after all of 4 years! The last time I went, there were no "malls" in Mangalore. Malls, and in Mangalore? I have to see it to believe it. Though for myself, I hope those little bylanes and small saree and jewellery and bakery shops still exist... and oh, if I haven't mentioned before, the one item I never miss whenever I am there, no matter how watchful I am of my weight, is "Gadbad" ... an icecream served in a tall glass with dried fruits and fresh fruits and jelly like stuff. My mouth is watering already :)
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 9:54 pm 4 comments

 

A friend of mine in college gave me this cute card which said 'It is easy to die for a friend but it is hard to find a friend worth dying for!' ...the friend didn't stick but those words have...

Being back home has been a mixed experience. Miss my new friends though I can't say I miss much else. I noticed something different about my bonding with Bombay... till only just a few years ago, I never thought of Bombay as my home, in spite of having lived here all my life. But now, this time, I realised it has finally made a place in my heart... I don't know how this transformation happened....is it because I have actually experienced this city far more in the past few years or what else it could be, I don't know... but the fact is, this time when I came back, it felt like I came 'home' to this city. It does have the dust, noise, pollution, corruption, and whatever else comes with a place full of possibilities...but there's nothing it doesn't have and no dream it doesn't give a chance to fulfill... if only one dares to dream...

That brings me to another question... I sometimes get drawn into a discussion about where I would like to settle down ... it's funny but I find myself never having thought seriously about it... While people plan on settling in whole new countries... I have never even thought about whether I'd like to shift base to a different city ... I in general don't plan too far into the future though I am an obsessive planner in the short term sense...I have been asking myself this question... where? I don't know how people make up their minds about such important life-altering questions... for me it's my emotions that guide me in all such respects... I'd say if the people I love are all based in one place, I'd probably never leave that place ...not practical I know, and that's what I started thinking... how do people manage to be so practical?

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 9:38 pm 1 comments

 
I don't crave for chocolate. I have it everyday.
-- my one-liner of the day :)
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 12:53 am 2 comments

 
I happened to read an article on how parents are rewarding/bribing kids to encourage good behaviour these days. Makes me wonder. Especially when I look at today’s children. When you bribe someone for doing something good, do you teach the right value? Say for example, if a child doesn’t go to sleep on time and you tell him/her that you will buy them a toy they have been hankering after if they go to sleep, is that the best way to discipline the child? As per the article, this is the way the tide is turning, and psychologists are only now realizing the pitfalls of this approach.

Personally, I don’t agree with this approach at all. It’s not that I am against rewarding children but I would go with rewards that are not “the primary motivation” for the child to act a certain way. If the child of its own acts responsibly and well, and a reward comes later, it is fine (I would call it positive reinforcement), but I think that’s very different from encouraging the child to do something that is expected of him, by dangling a carrot. The child may understand that this is good behavior because it is getting rewarded but the child may also learn that any good behavior, unless returned with a reward, is not worth demonstrating. Isn’t the essence of a value that it is worthy of being adopted for its own sake?

The article also mentions that this new dynamic between parents and children may have to do with changing times and culture – how materialistic we have become as a society. I agree we have become more materialistic, more money, more goods, more possessions, more lifestyle oriented – but I would like to think we can still teach our kids basic values and respectful behaviour without mixing them up with money and goods. But what do I know?
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 2:02 am 3 comments

 
I have picked up a new hobby. Check it out here!

In other news, I expect to leave for India very soon. The US has been a great experience with some challenges interspersed but all in all, I have got more good memories to look back to. Life can be equated to some sort of collection expedition, collecting memories as we go along…some focus more on the memories they have already collected and some focus on the memories they would like to collect for themselves in the future…in moments that make me really happy, the sad thought jumps fleetingly into my mind that this is but a memory… and tomorrow I shall fondly think about it but cannot relive it…the fact that everything passes makes me melancholic…but if the good passes, the bad does too…so there’s some comfort...
------
“Journeys, like artists, are born and not made. A thousand differing circumstances contribute to them, few of them willed or determined by the will-whatever we may think.”
--Lawrence Durrell
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 7:15 am 3 comments

 
When I was thinking of writing for the blog today I realized the whole exercise has become a bit of a routine… I have been on a trip so I have to write about it… I did this particular thing so I must write about it… I mean, it used to be the same when I started out… I did write about stuff I saw or thought or so on but there was an excitement in the act of writing… there was a spontaneity to it… which I feel is missing now… not because the blog is not something I am excited about anymore… I guess it’s one of the things I would like to see grow old with me! :) …but the whole writing business has become a bit staid and predictable and timetable-ish and I am not liking that … I can’t become more creative in my writing – a friend of mine once said I am not ‘creative’ and I possibly am not though that’s contentious – and in any case the idea is not to be someone else…but I’d definitely like to become more spontaneous… umm, well, spontaneous is also not a word that describes me, but maybe a little more than I am now… let’s see, what else … maybe I shouldn’t be so hung up about ‘this has to be done this way’ ….which reminds me… I saw the movie ‘Up’ this weekend… it’s an animation movie and for that reason I wasn’t exactly jumping with joy to go for it… but this was the first time I was going for a movie around here and that made for something… plus it was supposed to be a 3D movie and I like the whole wearing glasses and watching movie thing … I have to say the movie was very good… and why did I remember it just now? Because the underlying message of the movie I could connect to very well...and is probably slightly related to what I was saying before… we sometimes get so used to doing things a certain way, thinking about things a certain way, wanting things to happen in a certain way, that we never really explore the world around us for what it has, we never let ourselves loose to figure out opportunities in things that we never thought of before… we are afraid of letting go…the familiar and the comfortable… we don’t realize that what is ours is with us… it cannot go anyway … it does not consist inside of things… it consists inside of us … and we can never lose ourselves … we would probably find more bits of us that we never knew existed… I don’t know if I sound rather philosophical here… but the movie was good, go watch it :)

I didn’t really want to write an account of Yosemite, Grand Canyon, Las Vegas because I am really no good at describing locations…I know people expect me to say Grand Canyon was out of this world… it was, but that’s about all I can say! I love taking pictures (check out the pics on my photo blog) but nowadays I feel more and more that digi cams have made the whole experience of enjoying the moment rather ‘camera-oriented’ … as in, say prior to when there were cameras or easy access to cameras, what did people do when they landed at Grand Canyon for example? Enjoy and experience the grandeur of it? See it in rapt attention and absorb its fine details? And what do we do now? Get our cameras out and capture it through the lens… capture ourselves in its amazing setting… I don’t know how many of us actually ‘see’ the Canyon… or hear what it says … at least, I don’t … I myself am rather crazy about getting my pictures taken and rather regret it has to be so … I also quite enjoy the art of photography and love capturing shots in various angles… which brings me to another pet grouse I have had for a long time now… ever thought how unfair it is that if you are a good photographer yourself, you end up taking good pictures of everyone without having any yourself? How sad is that? I always lend my camera to various people in the group just to check if anyone is even close to decent… but usually that’s rare… the funniest thing with people who don’t even have a remote sense for good visuals is they’ll ask you if you are ‘ready’ … if they can ‘take a picture now?’ … I feel like telling them that if you hold the camera, you are the best judge – you have to decide the right moment, the right angle and so on, and tell me…instead of asking me! but what do you do? Sometimes they even wait for you to say you are ready, which means you have to distort your mouth, your smile, to actually voice that and then they go ‘click’! the only way out of this sticky situation is to get a 100 pictures clicked and pray that at least 10 are fine… that’s my strategy and it works :)

I loved Las Vegas … am sure I didn’t see the sleazy or steamy side too much, but loved the vibrancy and party-heartiness of the whole place …it would be a wonderful romantic destination am sure… I didn’t really get a chance to ‘gamble’ much, not that I was particularly looking forward to that… I just don’t have that risk taking spirit I guess! But I enjoyed the interiors of some of the best hotels there… Venetian, Bellagio, Paris, Ceaser’s, Treasure Island, Mirage… they had marvelously captured the themes within each hotel and every one of them had something different on offer…we had too little time to explore Las Vegas and that’s one regret … but there was only so much we could catch up in so much time and it was more than worth it!

I have been doing a lot of ‘electronics’ research … I am scared to death that I won’t buy some of the cool stuff you are supposed to get here because I just don’t know what it is or what it’s supposed to do… so I try and push myself to ask people or read about it… in one of these tête-à-têtes I bumped onto this ‘baby’ – it’s a 500 GB External Hard Drive from Seagate … the memory in my laptop was reaching its last dregs and that’s exactly when I got enlightened to the existence of external hard drives in general and this one in particular… it’s in these moments I am ready to believe there’s something in the theory of God after all :)
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 3:32 am 4 comments

 
The LA trip was good. We visited San Diego (Sea World), Disneyland, Hollywood (Walk of Fame, Kodak Theatre…), and Universal Studios.

I have been to the Disneyland in Hong Kong but I was expecting this to be a much grander and bigger version – it was. People said it could take almost two days to cover the whole area and since we had only a day devoted to it, we were a little anxious to see as much as we could. The rides were great though I personally like the milder fun rides than the really roller coaster twist-turn scary ones. My favourite had to be this Soaring Over California where you sit in a darkened room and soon enough, feel like you are soaring and flying over all of California. The feeling was so real, so breath taking, so out-of-world; I loved it!

Sea World again reminded me of Ocean World in Hong Kong and I have to say it didn’t compare too well, at least for me. The Dolphin show could have been put together much better but I enjoyed the Whale show, which is supposed to be one of the most popular attractions there.

Walking on Hollywood boulevard in the night and seeing the bright Hollywood signs everywhere felt rather surreal. Hollywood was more of a metaphor in my head all this time and never a ‘place’. The crowd around also appeared to be of a different world – strange clothes, strange hair, strange looks – or maybe the general ambience and aura about the place made everything appear rather not-so-normal.

At Universal Studios – the mini train that takes you on a tour of all the sets on the mountain and simulates some of the action we see in the movies was the best. Suddenly two cars started crashing in the air on one side of the train, flood started gushing from one mountain, a whale almost jumped at us from a river we were crossing, fire broke out in a tunnel we were passing …Suddenly we were transported into the world of cinema… where everything is possible … and we were given a glimpse of what goes into making this magical world come alive…

At the end of three days, I have to admit I was a little bored of rides, especially since there were rides at Sea World, Disney and even at Universal Studios. The concept of all the rides was the same more or less – you sat into something that would take you up, down and around or you sat into something that was stationary but you were made to feel the illusion of movement; the only thing that changed was the theme of the different rides (sometimes a haunted house, sometimes a haunted elevator, sometimes in a jungle, sometimes in water, sometimes in a comic book!) or the speed at which it took you around (sometimes fairly slow so you could see the horrors of the haunted house or sometimes terribly fast so you could only close your eyes and scream).

What amazed me is how enthusiastic all the older people were about the rides. Many of the rides at Disney had a waiting time of one hour or upwards and it was quite tiring to stand there in the heat in a queue awaiting our turn for the ride. End of this long wait we would have probably 5 minutes of fun. What I find interesting is the fact that we usually don’t display our eagerness to sit or climb into rides when we encounter them in a casual way, say in a park or something, where they are specifically intended for children. We pretend a casual disinterest in the whole concept except in so much as it interests any kids accompanying us. But the moment we enter sites that are meant to have rides for adults and kids alike and you see other adults participating in the fun, the veneer of disinterest drops and we are like any other kid, jumping and waiting and thrilled to be sitting on a ride! Isn’t that curious? It reminds me of a remark one lady made when we were in one of those never-ending queues, when one person actually cut her across and skipped the queue; she said “people seem to forget to be polite when they are in an amusement park”. There seems to be something in that – maybe it brings out the child in you in more ways than one! :)

We have a long weekend coming up this week and the plan is to go to Las Vegas, also covering Yosemite National Park (designated a World Heritage Site) and Grand Canyon. I have heard so much about the Grand Canyon… and of course Las Vegas. When I mention Las Vegas to people, the first reaction I get is, ‘are you going to gamble?’! Yeah, right, I am a born gambler! :)

Photos (some problem with blogger; some of the pics disappear on and off!)

P.S: I always remember I haven’t put a title to the post after I have posted it… there goes one of my New Year resolutions :(

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 12:41 am 4 comments

 
Why do you sometimes feel unlucky for no reason? The best things may be happening in your life but you will obsessively think about the one or two things that are far from perfect and crib to God or the wall or your inner soul. You will obliterate thoughts of all the good things by magnifying all the bad things. Why does this happen? And why are some days very bad days when people will seem to be saying seemingly insensitive, rude things and you will wallow in self pity even more, asking yourself if anybody cares about you at all.

I sometimes wonder at my own susceptibility or sensitivity. Even strangers manage to make me unhappy. Should anybody and everybody have the power to define my state of being? What does it take to become more emotionally independent – one whose emotional makeup is so strong that nothing can faze it easily?

Friends, friendship are very common words but I really wonder if people can overcome their own selfishness enough to actually live the meaning of those words. But we come back in a circle – what is the meaning of those words? Does everybody see it with the same glasses? And what if the meaning is different for different people – is it better to just accept that different people may show their friendship in different ways and not sweat about the small stuff? What is the small stuff? What’s small to you may not be to me and vice versa? What do we do then? It again comes back to that loaded word ‘expectation’. When people tell me that they never expect anything from anyone, even friends, I really have to ask how they manage to do that – because I can’t. And I even wonder if you can actually be close to people and not have any expectations from them. That would probably be what they call ‘no strings attached’ but guess I have never understood nor believed in this concept. Where there is no attachment, can there be any relationship? And what’s wrong with ‘strings attached’ –? Probably I am old school. But coming back to my original question, how much do you expect from people who are supposed to be friends and how do you know if it is fair expectation or not? How do you know if they have dealt with you unfairly or if it is you whose expectation is unfair in the first place? What do you do if they are unfair – dump the friendship because it’s not worth it or rise above everything and become a bigger person? What do you do if you are not a bigger person than you are? Are people who have plenty of friends bigger people because they haven’t lost them along the way? or are they people who do not have expectations from their friendships and easily live with it? or are they people who themselves do not give too much anyway to friendships or any relationships so that it doesn’t matter? or are they just simple people who do not bother about defining terms accurately and get by without asking questions like what does friendship mean to me or are my friends really my friends?

Questions, questions and more questions!

I am leaving for LA this evening, and the plan is to visit Disneyland, Universal Studios, San Diego and more! As I said earlier, I can’t understand why I am brooding over certain not-so-nice things about people and their disappointing behaviour instead of looking forward to the trip and enjoying the anticipation! Let me start doing that now; I can’t change people, let me at least change myself :) …will hopefully have loads to write about when I am back!
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 1:07 am 6 comments

 

I am in California, and so much has been happening this past one month that I have had absolutely no time to write a long post about all my experiences and opinions!

Finally I deign to attend to attend to my blog. :( Every time I stay away from my blog for long, I almost feel like an irresponsible mother who has no time for her child or something. I can just imagine what mothers feel!

So, cutting back to the long story.

My first impressions of this city as the car drove down into the Hotel car park was one of wonder at the sheer beauty. Having seen the beauty of Switzerland, it would take a lot for nature to impress me, but this did …! Surrounded with such lovely picturesque mountains till as far as your eye would go, lush and plush greenery, little miniature houses with those brick roofs that remind me of our mangalore tiled homes, pretty little roads and crossings… and, not a human soul! That’s what I felt when I landed in Milpitas. I was overjoyed at the sweetness of my surroundings but the lack of humanity on display, especially maybe because I arrived on a Sunday, made me I should say slightly uncomfortable. I knew that my office was just round the block somewhere and it turned out to be the very next building. I could probably throw a stone from my room into the office building. Which I realized wasn’t a small boon, because, as I said, I was still a little bemused by the lack of traffic on the roads and the absolute lack of pedestrians. Some colleagues took me over to a Safeway outlet the next day and one of them burst out laughing when I said that when we looked so strange being the only ones walking along the path, how much more stranger we would look walking along with grocery bags (there obviously would be bags given that I was going into a store).

The next few days were not too eventful as I didn’t have much company and was waiting for my would-be roommate to arrive – we had made a pact to look for a house together and share the rent etc. It just so happened that some work came up and I had to spend the next week commuting to San Francisco. At first it seemed like a scary thought. I hadn’t stepped beyond the Safeway next door, hadn’t seen any creature that resembled a bus, and had only heard of something called a BART (a train) which could be a fairy for all I knew about it. And apparently I had to jump into both means of transport if I was to get to SFO – unless I could arrange a car, that is, and I came to understand that people with cars also preferred these other modes as parking is extremely expensive in SFO!

While things did begin on this wary note, I soon began to have a liking for San Francisco and by the time I felt I might even love it more than our humble Milpitas (the woods and greenery are nice, but it does do me good to see more of my species hanging around; must be a fallout of staying in a place like Bombay), it was time to say bye. And I was again stationed in home territory. My would-be room mate and myself had by then finalized a house or maybe I should say a room in a townhouse in Milpitas (people had recommended the sharing-basis option and when we enquired the rates, we knew why). The house is owned by a lady who lives with her sweet little daughter. We are friends now and I am finding it weird to say ‘lady with daughter’! I should remember to mention that this house is really, really close to this one main attraction that Milpitas boasts of – the Great Mall of the Bay Area! (I don’t know if we should call this a small coincidence).

I have been on two major weekend trips. One to Lake Tahoe, located along the border between California and Nevada and which is apparently the largest alpine lake in North America (I can’t say anything about it because I know words cannot do justice. See the picture!) and another to the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. It was great being in San Francisco again and watching the bay, which I only briefly managed to see while working there.

This weekend was a little more relaxing with some fun activities thrown in. I don’t think I have ever been very close to a swimming pool, leave alone actually getting into one. This Saturday I actually went to the swimming pool in the townhouse’s complex. The water was still pretty cold (that brings me to an important topic: the weather. It’s been pretty cold till up to last Friday and suddenly over the weekend it’s pretty sunny and hot. I was wishing and praying for summer to speed up and on my way to office today, with the sun blazing on my face, I couldn’t help philosophizing to myself that we don’t know what we are wishing for till we have it!) – but back to the pool. As it was just starting to grow warmer, my landlady had felt it may be nice to be in the pool, but the water appeared to be taking time to catch up. I still managed to dip myself a little and it felt great! I am already looking forward to the next pool expedition! We then went to the New Park Mall in Fremont (Fremont is another city not too way off from Milpitas). I explored the wonders of Macy’s and JCPenney’s. We rounded off the evening with dinner at this Thai place called Penang Garden. The most exotic of what we had, had to be ‘Mango Chicken’. The slivers of chicken and mango were mixed most deliciously, emanating tangy and sweet odors, and actually served in the skin of the mango! It somehow reminded me of the honey chicken we have back in Bombay which is what comes closest to this – I couldn’t think of anything else!

Another thing that took me unawares though it shouldn’t have as everyone keeps talking about it is how even strangers very comfortably address you or make small talk. When I was at the Hotel, and it was probably my second day, this teenage boy came out of the elevator bobbing his head up and down as if listening to some inaudible music and greeted ‘how you doing’! I couldn’t help smiling in my head and recollecting Joey from Friends all of a sudden!

I have a lot more stories to tell but I need to put a stop somewhere. So maybe will continue in the next posts. Now that I have started, I guess I won’t find it tough to keep the updates rolling. :)

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 8:51 am 3 comments

 

Finding Meemo

Ahem… I am still in Bombay. Some new development happened to postpone the whole thing; should hopefully be travelling in two weeks or so.

Have been too busy to come up with a post. Some time ago, when I was reading a fellow blogger's blog, I was particularly amused by his description of a few of his personal traits – amused because I have some of the exact same traits. May have something to do with the common ‘Capricorn’ factor!

Posting those common traits here, so that you, dear reader, get to know me a little better (I always found this “dear reader” address very endearing :))

Here goes:

* I turned a vegetarian (of the “Ovo lacto” kind) in my late twenties after a slow process which started with witnessing the butcher killing chicken by simply twisting their necks. Ironically, in less than 8 months I was in Europe – talk about bad timing! But then, C’est la vie …… (Something similar happened to me when I was in my teens. I went to the market with my mom and when she was buying mutton, I happened to casually rest my hand over something, which something turned out to be the slaughtered head of a goat! For ages I did not touch mutton and I can actually count the number of times I have eaten it after that day!)

* I’m quite the geek when it comes to some things, e.g. loving numbers. I inherited this from my parents, especially my Ma. We love prime numbers, and my favourite number is 7. I usually wash my eyes 7 times each morning! (This one is true for me only with respect to number 7. I cannot even pretend to like numbers (except if they spell money :)), forget love them)

* On the other hand, I can’t be bothered with a lot of supposedly geeky stuff. For example, I’m not particularly into electronic gadgets, and I can barely remember which model my mobile phone is. Works properly, is rugged enough to not conk out too soon, and looking at it doesn’t make me wince – enough. (I am not into any kind of geeky stuff at all. The only extra thing I wanted from my mobile phone is that it be stylish. Friends pointed out that I could get more features for the same price if I settled for a different phone – my answer, do you think I would ever use Bluetooth anyway?; at least I can show off a clam shell!

* And yet by the time I was a teenager, it was hard to believe that there could be any supreme deity responsible for everything, and looking out for us. I’ve been a non-believer ever since. (I don’t remember exactly when I started doubting the existence of a supreme being. I won’t say I am a non-believer, but yes, I don’t claim to ‘know’)

* When it comes to being impressed and having favourites, I tend to have a broad range. I’m loathe to absolutely rubbish something, but equally loathe to use superlatives – I rarely find anyone ugly, but it’s also very rare for me to think of anyone as an absolute stunner. (hmm… not completely on the same page. I am very difficult to please, impress etc but it is probably rather easy to get on the wrong side of me. I very rarely use superlatives myself and find it difficult to relate to people who spout words like “amazing”, “wonderful”, “brilliant” at the drop of a hat. You might have to pinch me before I say any of them)

* I have a strong tendency to be precise/exact about things, even if I’ve managed to tone it down a bit. I can understand why it bothers people in some cases, but hey – I have no idea what you mean when you ask me for “2 heaped teaspoons” of sugar in your coffee. Tell me “about 2.5 level teaspoons” (or 2.75, if that be the case), and you’ll get the right thing. (Being exact, I must say, is one of my defining traits! Try as I might, I can’t be vague … and I get horribly mad when people are vague. For example, if someone says, “I’ll pick you up around 9.30-45”, my question is “30 or 45?” And, you may rest assured I will be ready by the exact specified minute. Punctuality is another manifestation of my exactness I guess :))

* This tendency, along with the accompanying one of debating/arguing, meant that elders often used to say “bada ho ke vakeel banega” (He’ll be lawyer when he grows up). But I was uncomfortable with the idea that my goal should be to save my client even if he/she may be guilty, and other such aspects, which is why I ruled that career out. Things are so much easier while you’re still thinking mostly in black and white :-p (If I had to describe one thing about myself, if taken away, will make me no more myself, it would have to be the tendency and ability to argue/debate. Like people are born with silver spoons in their mouths (never got this!), I must have been born with an argument in my mouth. And yes, I was always told that I should become a lawyer when I grow up – I am grown up and I still think it’s not too late)

* I have a strange record when it comes to public performances. As a shy kid, I wasn’t that keen on them but was often pushed onto the stage by teachers who either were fond of me or needed someone to represent their “house”. Then came a period where I was the one making the decisions, so I stayed at a comfortable distance from the stage until my mid-20s, when I started singing, and by some strange mechanism, I’d worked out how to avoid the dreaded stage-fear that I used to have. But after several performances in a short space in IISc/B’lore, I came away to Europe, and taking to the stage became a sporadic event once again. (Not quite the same here. I was always afraid of public performances and I still am. I can, rather strangely, debate publicly, but if you ask me to give a speech or something, I am dead nervous. I love singing too but never tried it on a stage)

* Reciprocity in relationships is very important to me. Give and take, it’s got to be. I’m usually quite conscious of keeping my end of any friendship or relationship, and also don’t really fuss over the small things, but at the end of the day, if it’s a bit one-sided, you just know it. And then something’s got to give. (This is pretty much how I operate too. I could go ten extra miles if someone takes 5 miles towards me but if they don’t take a single step or appear to take me for granted, trust me not to budge either. I sometimes wonder if I am too businesslike in my friendships and weigh give/take a little too much, but that’s how I am. I feel that the emotional investment I make in any relationship is probably too heavy for me to not weigh the risks appropriately)

* When it comes to sharing secrets, I don’t. As I once told someone “Jinke raazdaar bahut se hote hain, unke raaz bahut kam hote hain” (The more the keepers of the secrets, the lesser the secrets you have). This even led to quarrels with an ex-girlfriend, who took it to mean that I didn’t trust her enough! (I am not easy with my secrets either. But this I think is less to do with my lack of trust in the secret holder’s ability to keep the secret and more to do with my innate sense of privacy)

* Another reason for delaying haircuts is that I’m bad at saying goodbye. Always have been. I’m exactly the sort that has never-ending conversations at the gate. (I hate, hate saying good byes. But, I think I hate it even more when I don’t get a chance to say good byes properly, by which I mean the long and never-ending variety :))

* Family is very important to me. I keep in regular touch with my immediate family via phone, email, Skype etc., and even a lot of my extended family, and of course my “family of choice”, that is my closest friends. I also go home at least once every 1-1.5 years – I can’t relate to people going home once in 5 years or even longer. I can be fiercely individualistic, but my family does mean a lot to me. (Fiercely individualistic but family means a lot fits me too!)

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 11:34 pm 6 comments

 

Welcome to the Hotel California

If we didn’t have rules about things, wouldn’t we be a happier lot? If we could just be what we would like to be and not be judged by ‘common yardsticks’ or have to follow norms for the sake of conformance? Conformance to what and why? Why do we encourage ‘sameness’ as a society, especially our society? Isn’t it the pressure to conform to societal rules, be part of the crowd, meet common expectations, that bogs down the ‘individual’ in us? Do we ever get to find out what would make us truly happy? Aren’t we always chasing what society believes would make us happy? Is it surprising then that those who follow rules are happier because they are fooled into believing they are, and those who don’t are not, because they are made to feel they have no right to be? I don’t know if this harangue makes sense! More and more, I find myself revolted at how we are in effect not ‘free’—if we do not have the freedom to something that signifies the purpose of life itself—freedom to choose what makes us happy.

That’s end of serious topic for the day! Coming to more travel news… I am leaving for Milpitas, California next weekend and will be there for a month or two for a work project. I have heard so much about the US that it seems like I’m going to meet a friend about whom I know everything, including its faults! But let’s see if it makes friends with me (If it has malls and sales, am sure we will get along just fine :))

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 12:32 am 5 comments

 
Good Luck!

"There are rules to luck, for
to the wise not all is accident.
Try, therefore, to help luck
along. Some are satisfied to
stand politely before the
portals of fortune and to await
their bidding, but better
are those who push forward,
and who employ their
enterprise, who on the wings
of their worth and valour
seek to embrace luck and gain
her favour."

This is the thought I want to dwell on, on this special day .... hopefully the beginning of a wonderful year!

Happy Birthday to me! :)
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 12:50 am 6 comments

 

New Year Resolutions

I have a few New Year resolutions to make. I make them every year I guess, but don’t remember them beyond February. I have a feeling posting them here will make me probably a bit more conscious; at least I can look them up next year and decide how I fared! :)

1. I want to be a nicer person. Extra stress on the “-er” because I feel I am already quite nice. People are always telling me so too, so that adds to my confidence. But coming to the point, I would like to work on a few of things:

· Cultivate what they call in Hindi ‘thaerav’—I think it may be loosely translated to “inner calmness” or “being at peace with oneself”. I tend to be very passionate about things close to my heart, which is a good thing, but I think I need to balance the passion with a little bit of calmness, little bit of patience, little mix of tolerance. There is so much of bad stuff going on around you, and it makes your blood boil, but is shooting everyone the answer? I think I need to school myself to control my passions, mainly anger, to deal with situations in a manner that would do more credit to my dignity.

· Be less sensitive about myself and more sensitive to others—I guess the former is something I have harped on enough already but I just seem to be made that way. I tend to over dramatise people’s words in my mind and jump to the worst possible conclusion. On the other hand, I can be pretty blunt and caustic and sarcastic when it comes to expressing my views on something that I don’t approve of. I want to take things less personally when they are directed at me—as they say, if you know what you are, others’ opinions don’t matter—and want to become more sensitive to others—because one should do to others what one wants to be done to oneself.

· Be slow to criticise—I have a knack for critical thinking. While it holds me in good stead in every sphere of life, I would like to make less use of it where people are concerned. Because people are not perfect and are not meant to be. Even if I have to be critical—I always feel its better to know one’s faults and act on them rather than be blind and keep falling—I’d like to do it more sensitively.

· Be less demanding—I have a hankering for perfection which is not a bad thing in itself, but can certainly drive me and other people up the wall. I wouldn’t want to be someone with lesser standards, but I would like to try and go a little easy if the standards do not always meet with perfection :)

· Be less proud—Pride is good when it does not border on conceit and when it does not mean looking down on others. It is easy to get blinded or so carried away with pride that you don’t realise when you have crossed into the not-so-nice territory. I’d like to temper my pride with a little humility and modesty which I always thought I did, but of late I feel I need to keep checking.

2. I read somewhere that just because people don’t love you the way you’d like them to doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all they have. I would like to, instead of feeling hurt or sad about it, acknowledge and love those who love me and are dear to me, even if they aren’t always there when I need them or don’t always express their feelings in a way that would make me most happy.

3. I would like to get more savvy with cooking. I tried a few recipes during Christmas and some of them came out fine. I just felt I needed a little more practice. I am thinking of starting a new routine like cooking a meal every weekend or maybe a weekday or something like that.

4. I have been absolutely chalta hai about my diet and exercise for the past few months. Firstly, because it is slightly cold nowadays and I can’t get myself to the gym in the mornings. Next because there is a lot of the sweet stuff around what with Swiss chocos and Christmas goodies. I don’t think I’ll be able to manage the gym till the temperatures are a little more normal, but I would like to start right from tomorrow with a diet. Soup and veg salad for lunch. Good for a start.

5. Professionally, I would like to become more ‘live wire’—more challenge-oriented, more solution-oriented, more active in making the change we want to see happen, more positive and self-directed—in short, more deserving of all the credit and good faith that is placed in me by my peers, and my very sweet boss who is just like the land of ‘mishti doi’ where he comes from!

6. When I look at some of the greatest names in the world, I ask myself what is it that must have motivated them to do what they did, to give what they did, to push themselves as they did…? I don’t have an answer but at times I feel this overpowering desire to find a meaning to my existence that is beyond the wake up-eat-work-sleep cycle of daily living. It is a matter for a separate blog as to what can give “meaning to one’s existence”. I don’t have a clear answer but I feel that doing something that touches a lot of lives in any way possible could be called that, doing something that leaves a mark behind you even after you’re gone could be called that… I would like to give some serious thought to the ‘meaning of my existence’ this year and come up with some answers.

I seem to have made enough resolutions to last five years and not just one! One last that is slightly quirky:

7. I plan to put titles to my blog posts from now on. I used to place titles when I started out but I think my distaste for thinking of titles got the better of me at some point and it must have also struck me that I was not answerable to anyone on my own blog! Now, for some reason, I am feeling like titling my posts: I am not any fonder of titles than I was so guess it’s just a whim …or maybe a way to command discipline from myself! (I hope I am not getting too affected by those psychology books I read.)

On a different note, there’s some more news related to my blog layout. I have been using the comments feature from YACCS these seven years. When I started the blog, there was no commenting facility at Blogger and YACCS was the easiest solution. I think most people must have switched to the Blogger comments when it started offering the same, but me being me, didn’t see a reason for change. Now, YACCS is discontinuing the service and I have no choice but to switch. I have managed to get a downloadable of all the comments on the blog from 2001 onwards (thanks to the YACCS administrator!) so I don’t feel that bad about it; unfortunately, porting those comments to blogger seems to be nothing less than a trick up a tech magician’s sleeve (neither YACCS nor blogger offer an easy alternative).

I have enabled the Blogger comments feature – new beginnings for the New Year! :) (P.S: I thought I would click a button and enable it but there's some issue; the Blogger comments link doesn't appear. I also tried removing the YACCS link. If anyone has any ideas on what may be going wrong, please email me!)

Update: Problem solved, thanks to my good friend Shyam, who goes by the sobriquet Codelust and with good reason! :)

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 6:32 pm 8 comments