A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

 
Why do you sometimes feel unlucky for no reason? The best things may be happening in your life but you will obsessively think about the one or two things that are far from perfect and crib to God or the wall or your inner soul. You will obliterate thoughts of all the good things by magnifying all the bad things. Why does this happen? And why are some days very bad days when people will seem to be saying seemingly insensitive, rude things and you will wallow in self pity even more, asking yourself if anybody cares about you at all.

I sometimes wonder at my own susceptibility or sensitivity. Even strangers manage to make me unhappy. Should anybody and everybody have the power to define my state of being? What does it take to become more emotionally independent – one whose emotional makeup is so strong that nothing can faze it easily?

Friends, friendship are very common words but I really wonder if people can overcome their own selfishness enough to actually live the meaning of those words. But we come back in a circle – what is the meaning of those words? Does everybody see it with the same glasses? And what if the meaning is different for different people – is it better to just accept that different people may show their friendship in different ways and not sweat about the small stuff? What is the small stuff? What’s small to you may not be to me and vice versa? What do we do then? It again comes back to that loaded word ‘expectation’. When people tell me that they never expect anything from anyone, even friends, I really have to ask how they manage to do that – because I can’t. And I even wonder if you can actually be close to people and not have any expectations from them. That would probably be what they call ‘no strings attached’ but guess I have never understood nor believed in this concept. Where there is no attachment, can there be any relationship? And what’s wrong with ‘strings attached’ –? Probably I am old school. But coming back to my original question, how much do you expect from people who are supposed to be friends and how do you know if it is fair expectation or not? How do you know if they have dealt with you unfairly or if it is you whose expectation is unfair in the first place? What do you do if they are unfair – dump the friendship because it’s not worth it or rise above everything and become a bigger person? What do you do if you are not a bigger person than you are? Are people who have plenty of friends bigger people because they haven’t lost them along the way? or are they people who do not have expectations from their friendships and easily live with it? or are they people who themselves do not give too much anyway to friendships or any relationships so that it doesn’t matter? or are they just simple people who do not bother about defining terms accurately and get by without asking questions like what does friendship mean to me or are my friends really my friends?

Questions, questions and more questions!

I am leaving for LA this evening, and the plan is to visit Disneyland, Universal Studios, San Diego and more! As I said earlier, I can’t understand why I am brooding over certain not-so-nice things about people and their disappointing behaviour instead of looking forward to the trip and enjoying the anticipation! Let me start doing that now; I can’t change people, let me at least change myself :) …will hopefully have loads to write about when I am back!
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 1:07 am 6 comments