To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
~ Aristotle
Monday, December 22, 2014
 

The season is here
When the heart is freer
And everyone who’s dear
Wishes you were near…

Hmm… seriously, I don’t know what it is about this season. You just feel like hugging everybody and looking forward to something, anything. And this time, it’s extra special for me. A little baby has literally arrived in our house in the form of a fetching niece. I am an aunt for the first time in my life and I’d say this is the first time I am looking forward to being called ‘aunty’ or ‘maushy’ as they say in the Konkani language.

I am not a baby person in general. I don’t enjoy being around the little ones because more than them, it’s you who are expected to conform to some sort of a baby personality and it, well, doesn’t come naturally to me. I have said it on this blog before, maybe a long while back, and I haven’t changed a whit. I can become an old lady with old folks—listen attentively, smile and nod, offer a murmur of profundity to match theirs, and before long, they’d eat out of my hand. But put me among the babies and I’ll know not what to do. I’ll squirm uncomfortably, pull their cheek embarrassedly, and wonder when I could exit the scene without seeming like an outsider to the baby cult. I won’t say I have become a convert now, but I am certainly devoted ;) To watch a little ball of life spring out of nowhere right in front of your eyes… well… I wasn’t prepared for that moment. And that moment made me look at life in 360 degrees so to speak. The whole cycle thing.

Looks like I have digressed. So here’s wishing a very Happy Christmas and blessed New Year to me and to you. May this year lead to many happy stories and beautiful memories J 
 
 

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 4:33 pm 2 comments
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
 
OK. I am in the mood for an argument. Actually, I am always in the mood for arguments and since not many like to engage in the sport with me, I argue with myself. I happened to be a bit under the weather one of these days—as the great Wodehouse would say, if not actually disgruntled, far from being gruntled. It may seem like an odd kind of thing to do during these times—sort of like drinking cold water when you’re suffering from a cough—but I like to read up some good old philosophical ‘stuff’ when I am not exactly feeling jolly. It cures whatever little jolliness is left in me but when you know you’re in great company, you don’t mind so much.

Well, so this time I thought I’ll chew on a bit of existentialism—‘existence precedes essence’ being a central tenet. In short, your life has the meaning that you choose to give it. You are the architect of your life. You have complete freedom to act but you are completely responsible for the consequences of your actions. This freedom can be exhilarating but also frightening, for example, when you’re standing on the edge of a cliff, you fear falling off, but you know that nothing and no one stops you from jumping off. Which creates anxiety because of the realisation that ‘you are on your own’ and you are free to make choices concerning ‘you’—choices whose ultimate responsibility no one else can shoulder but you.

This brings me to my argument. I cannot say I relate with existential philosophy. Not because I am uncomfortable about the fact that I might throw myself off a cliff in an unguarded moment and there will be no God to save me (though that’s there). But because, when one says you’re completely free to choose, are you? When one says I can define my own life with my actions, can I? and when one says I undertake a certain action with the knowledge of the responsibility it entails, do I always (I may not have full knowledge)? Yes, I am free to “act” one way or the other but am I “freely choosing” those actions—is my life a series of actions and consequences of those actions, or is it a series of actions and reactions and actions that are further modified by the nature of those reactions and how those continuous actions and reactions define my ability to respond to situations or the manner in which I respond to situations. For example, a woman whose marriage is arranged for her, how free is her choice given that she did not “choose to be born in that traditional society”? What about the context in which I am placed—my actions are not independent of context surely? If I was born in a palace with a golden spoon in my mouth or born in a poor man’s house, wouldn’t my “essence” in some way be predetermined even before I was born or “existed”? And wouldn’t it have not some but a lot of weight on how my “essence” is shaped finally? That is about birth but what about “what happens to you along the way”. What if you, say, lose a parent early in life—you cannot have “chosen” to lose the parent and yet this loss may have a bearing on most of the seemingly “free decisions” you will be making through life. Can you be said to be “responsible” for those decisions that were in some way “predetermined” by the event that happened in your life—and not by yourself.

You know where I am going with this. But, no, I am not discounting freedom and responsibility; in fact, I think one must be extremely conscious of both otherwise you run the risk of bobbing around the ocean of life unmindful of where it takes you and maybe drag other people along the way in an irresponsible manner, because, hey!, someone up there is taking us wherever he chooses to. I very much believe in acting consciously and responsibly. What I am saying is that no matter how conscious I am or responsible I am, I cannot necessarily take my life to the destination I want to take it to or shape its “essence”. I can steer it as best I can through bad weather and veer it along with whatever knowledge I have, but, my best efforts and decisions may not be equal to what gets thrown my way. There is something in nature that has to allow me to navigate my course… and if it doesn’t, I won’t. 
 
 

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 7:26 pm 5 comments
Monday, November 03, 2014
 
Do you ever go through pangs of self-doubt? Feel like you are not good enough? Like whatever little you have achieved you do not deserve? As if you will be found out very soon—people will realise how incapable you are and call you an impostor, a deceiver, and laugh in your face. Like you need to hide every moment because if people see you, there will be more chances of being found out. As if you are hiding some secret that mustn’t come out and when you surprise yourself asking what secret, you don’t really know.
 
I know I must be sounding like an idiot already trying to make too much of probably nothing—but the truth is, I have millions of moments of self-doubt when I wish somebody would just shake me and tell me I am okay. I may not be an Einstein but I am not a fool either. Okay, I know I am not a fool and nobody needs to tell me that—but what shall I say? The world has created so many medals for everything and the opportunity to win those medals is not given to everyone. Getting those medals brings you more opportunity for medals and more of those tangible titles that make you a desired commodity in the eyes of the world. Those who do not have those medals or those things that those medals bring, no matter what else they came into the world with, don’t find themselves standing as tall. It’s like one of those cycles where if you start with something you can keep multiplying it, and the more you start with, the more it multiplies, but if you have nothing to start with, you remain at ground zero. Vicious circle is the word that goes I guess.
 
Well, not to be too brooding or negative, there are lots of people in the world who fought against the zero and made something out of nothing. Which is why we admire and look up to them. Where they got the confidence from is what I wonder. They responded to the call of their own hearts and earned medals in the final round—even without passing all those fancy levels.

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 7:19 pm 5 comments
Monday, October 20, 2014
 

I always feel that people matter more than places but some places make you feel that life is worth living. There is more to life than the everyday grind of it. Just looking at the moon above, or feeling the chill in the air, or walking briskly in the lush green park, or exchanging polite smiles in the tube, or chance philosophical conversations with strangers, or warm reactions like ‘brilliant’ for simple actions, or beautiful food packaged to make your senses go into a twist… in short, every day is so full of rich little moments or sensations that you feel alive and happy to be alive. Even solitude takes on a delicious hue when you sit on the bench by the bank of the Thames seeing people mingle around or just pass merrily by…

I wanted to write some sort of blow-by-blow account of my trip to London but it seemed like it would just end up being a ‘technical summary’, so to speak (a friend once said I am not ‘creative’ and it is when I try to capture such experiences that I am most conscious of this lack of creative expression or whatever one might call it).

Many a time I felt a sort moment of truth…not truth exactly, but maybe a moment of tickling? For example, once when I was on the tube (as you can tell, I spent a lot of time on the tube shuttling around ;)), I saw a well-heeled lady perched on those rests that haven’t quite grown to become seats, munching on ‘dried fish’. I actually saw the tail of the fish hanging out of her elegant mouth. I am a fish as well as dried fish eater… but never having seen a dried fish chips-like pack… tickled me :) (we eat fish dunked in gravy and not like a snack, in case you were curious). Another time in the tube, as very often happens in the Mumbai locals, I ran towards a seat, and a lady ran from the opposite end towards the same seat. We each tried to persuade the other to take the seat. If you’re familiar with Mumbai trains, you should know why this would tickle me :)

Walking along the street food markets was lovely. The sights, smells, bustling, crowds… I mean, I could have been in an Indian bazaar except everyone smells nice and talks softly :)

I actually heard someone—outside of novels—say ‘Blimey’, in that sexy British accent! (I didn’t mention the accent before, did I? ;)) I felt so tickled with happiness really! Is that how it sounds? Bllllimey!

Westminster was one of my favourite visits (just remembered: I mistook the entrance of the Houses of Parliament which is across the road for Westminster. They all look so majestic.) Walking beside the resting places of such greats as Chaucer, Charles Dickens, Dryden... I was in tune with a different time altogether. And coming to the practical experience, a phone-like device was given to each of us and you pressed a number on the phone to listen to the commentary at certain numbered spots. It was one tickling feeling for me to see technology used in this ancient space and that too to such marvellous effect. People could loiter where they wished and did not need a guide to shepherd them around. This increased my respect for technology though I can’t say I am a fan of it generally.

Watching the ‘Comedy of Errors’ at the Globe Theatre was exciting. More than the play itself, it was exciting to soak in the atmosphere, be in a stadium-full of Shakespeare fans, many of whom had chosen to stand for two full hours to watch the play! I couldn’t help think about the modern lives of the artistes performing the plays… tickling to think about that lady with lovely golden hair and a tiara travelling by tube like regular mortals?

How can I forget the all-pervasive theme which was never very far from anyone’s mind? Weather! I had read about this creature called the English weather in the books and having only known ‘hot’ or ‘rainy’ as weather that goes on for months with nothing really remarkable about it, could never get to the bottom of this. Now I know. You don’t know whether it will be cold, cool, rainy, sunny, cloudy and what have you till the day in question dawns (incidentally, my online research on what types of clothes to carry at this time of year gave me a hint of how unpredictable the English weather was!).  Someone told me, ‘You seem to have brought along the Mumbai weather with you’. That was the first week. The next week I was on my way to St Paul’s Cathedral and it started raining…by end of the day I had bought myself an umbrella that never left my bag till the end of my trip. If that’s not something to keep you tickled every day, I don’t know what is! :)
 
 

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 10:24 am 6 comments
Monday, September 15, 2014
 

While I have nothing important to report at this moment (except that I visited Chennai for the first time recently and fell in love with Mahabalipuram!)… I am very, very excited to be visiting a country that has the most special of places in my heart… almost a Mecca of sorts. I don’t know how I have managed to visit so many places on earth but not be here yet… as they say, maybe the universe has to find the right time and right reasons, and it all comes together more brilliantly than you would imagine. The fact that my first destination will be Stratford-upon-Avon… I mean, can it be a bigger blessing than that? The title of my blog says it all! J

Since I left you, mine eye is in my mind

Since I left you, mine eye is in my mind,
And that which governs me to go about
Doth part his function, and is partly blind,
Seems seeing, but effectually is out;
For it no form delivers to the heart
Of bird, of flower, or shape which it doth latch;
Of his quick objects hath the mind no part,
Nor his own vision holds what it doth catch;
For if it see the rud'st or gentlest sight,
The most sweet-favour or deformed'st creature,
The mountain or the sea, the day or night,
The crow or dove, it shapes them to your feature.
Incapable of more, replete with you,
My most true mind thus maketh mine untrue.
~William Shakespeare

 

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 7:06 pm 2 comments
Thursday, July 03, 2014
 
When I used to have time to meander earlier, I used to blog. Now, I shop. I have been shopping forever, but now I get to shop online. People in the US, Europe and other mature economies might be wondering if I live in Timbuktu, seeing that shopping online has been in existence since some time now, but in India… well, it’s just now catching on and how!

As if by serendipity, everything around me is sort of making me think about this development. A friend of mine happened to ask me to take a look at a paper on e-tailing and then I was dragged into some discussion related to e-tailing in some other context and then the Economist article that landed home had a cover story called ‘How far will Amazon go’ (very interesting, btw). That’s when it seemed like if there ever was a sign, this was it. Get thee gone and write a blog!

Except that, I don’t know what I want to say. I have done e-shopping for stuff (as opposed to travel which is not what we are talking about) when I was in the US some 5 years ago. I got so hooked onto it then that I used to browse through Amazon for hours on end and buy stuff that I didn’t know how I would manage to carry home. That’s how I ended up buying a ‘salmon-coloured yoga mat’ that’s never seen the light of day in Mumbai, packaged as it is. Since being back, I never went shopping online till about three weeks ago, when I thought I’d see what the fuss was about. I went onto Jabong fully determined to get myself something, and I checked out the Skirts section, being the safest among apparel options in terms of fit and all that (at least to my mind). I kept going back and forth and finally selected a grey skirt that looked pretty different. I waited for the skirt to come home with the same childlike anticipation I used to have when I ordered stuff from Amazon years ago… the excitement one feels when an unexpected gift arrives, except that in this case the gift is paid for by oneself. ;) I was happy with the skirt and since then, there’s been no looking back.

I was having a discussion with this friend about whether online retail was here to stay in India, considering the Amazons of the world are still to make a healthy profit. The Flipkarts, Myntras, Jabongs all seem to be bending over backwards to get their share of the customer pie, but how will they survive this game where gaining is only possible by giving more—more discounts, more variety, more offers, and where no differentiation seems to be evident between competitors, at least for now? I realised after my first purchase of the skirt that I could have got the same skirt at a 40% discount had I known the system better. I don’t buy anything these days till I see a discount. So, will online shopping just vanish some day when online retailers realise they cannot sustain it anymore? Or will it be a case of last man standing… the smaller fish will die slowly and the one who lives it out will be able to finally command his own price—which customers will be willing to pay because there would be no one else to go to? Maybe Amazon is a sort of last man standing on the world stage? On the India scene, with the battle just starting and heating up, it remains to be seen which other players enter the stage and how much of a fight they will be ready to put up. Till the end comes, clearly, the customer is the winner. Am I complaining? J


posted by Sylvia D'souza at 5:44 pm 0 comments
Monday, May 26, 2014
 

Returned from Mangalore after a short trip. This time has been the longest time since I have been away from Mangalore—more than 4 yrs. I get or feel like I get some sort of withdrawal symptoms when I am away from Mangalore for too long. Probably the trips to Bangalore in between compensated in some portion for my longing of the air and earth and song of the language. Funnily, Mangalore itself has changed so very much that I didn’t see that much of a difference between the two cities—at least landscape wise. Gone were the long patches of greenery till the eye could see, gone were the kutcha roads winding down fields and rivers, gone were the Mangalore-tiled homes replaced with fancy terraced houses and flats, gone were simple lifestyles and fish/rice replaced with cars, ACs, dish TVs and Chinese takeaways, all of which made me realise life in Mangalore today is probably just a carbon copy of life in Bombay, at least in its aspirations if not in fulfilment.
Maybe as cities spread their borders, Mangalores are bound to disappear, replaced by mass towns dotted by the Big Bazaars and KFCs and other symbols of sameness. And who can blame the inhabitants? They have as much of a right to buy into these modern lives as we do. They do not owe it to us to let time pass them by so that we get to enjoy relics of an other past while not wanting to let go of our citified selves. It seems selfish to me to not let them have their choice. So, Mangalore has changed—maybe it’s time my expectations from it changed too…
….

The thing that being in Mangalore’s quiet sereneness, almost like a calm night sky, does to me is make me wonder if leading a hustle-bustle life like we do in Bombay with not a moment to stand and stare (and nothing worth staring at except naked posteriors doing their thing on the railway track in the early morning), but coming back to my point, it makes me wonder if this is a ‘good’ life? Now, of course, the word ‘good’ itself is problematic because it calls into question definitions and all that, as any good philosopher will tell you. What I simply mean is—would it make me look back in satisfaction when I am say 60 and say to myself, “there, that was a life well lived”. It’s like running a marathon all the time and at the finishing line, you may have acquired a lot of material stuff, maybe even intellectual satisfaction, but is the running all the time worth it? What about emotional fulfilment, spiritual growth…?  Wouldn’t that demand time to rebalance yourself, centre your energies, pause, make way …which you cannot do if you are running AND want to win…which most of us do?

Mangalore gives me no answers but it sure makes me ponder a lot of equations—especially the choice between stillness and speed. Makes me ask why speed, why not slow down, why not rest, why not watch the birds fly, leaves flutter, rain dance? …before I can find answers, I am back to running the marathon again, and where’s the time to think?
….

Talking about being still, notice how youngsters these days are almost afraid of being still or being in a quiet place? I remember our electricity going off in Bombay many months ago (very rare indeed this phenomenon here, which is like a daily bath back in Mangalore), yes, so when this electricity vanished and we were left in the dark with no television, no light, no sound, I found it a nice feeling. A little bit of quiet in a city like this is not an everyday relish. But I noticed many others found it very disturbing. They did not know what to do with themselves. They fiddled with the phone, complained about the heat, the lack of TV, the bad power company… even half hour of this quiet seemed to stifle them…and when the electricity was back, I could hear collective sighs of relief. When my cousins in Mangalore asked me if I’d like to watch TV, and I said no, they asked me what would I like to do then. They couldn’t very well decide what kind of a weirdo I was when I told them simply that I’d like to just sit and watch the lovely scenery outside. I notice this need for a continuous supply of superficial diversion among kids and young people both in Bombay and Mangalore...in fact, I never cease to be surprised to see some people watching TV while playing a video game on their phones! Quietness, meaning, depth, reality… there is some sort of desire to lose our real selves and immerse into some sort of virtual world where there is excitement at every click of the button or remote. Even the camera to me sometimes seems like a diversion that people are more comfortable having around when faced with beauty. It’s like they don’t know or can’t grasp how to appreciate the living beauty with the senses, but the noise of click, upload, share, comment, and should I add, “show off”, now that’s familiar territory… everyday electricity.  
 

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 8:21 pm 3 comments
Friday, April 25, 2014
 
We had voting day yesterday in Mumbai. I don’t remember the last time I felt such a strong urge to vote. Maybe driven by all the hype and media hoola hoopla or maybe driven by the personalities representing the parties—it’s much easier to love or hate a person than a party of faceless people. Maybe the extreme views and clear division of sentiment that made one want to take one side or the other. Maybe a little bit of everything.

I am sure I did not make the right choice. Because I did not have a right choice before me. All I had were broken choices. There is a proverb in Hindi, “Andho mein kaanaa rajah”, which means, “one-eyed man is king among blind people”. We are all blind people because those are the kings set to rule us. It is said that a nation gets the government it deserves. Whichever government we get, it is sad to know that that is what we deserved.

 

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 1:18 pm 0 comments
Friday, February 14, 2014
 

When the entire world is joined in a conspiracy of love, I can’t but dedicate a few words…

 
Where there is a quietness by the shore,

Where there is sound but not more…

Where there is a heart that sings the same tune,

Where we don’t speak but still commune…

           There, My Love, I meet you…

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 4:25 pm 2 comments
Tuesday, January 07, 2014
 

“For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.”
― T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

Wish you all a very Happy New Year!

Like everybody else, I am wondering what the new year holds for me…not that I see any logic in expecting a break of 365 days to bring an altogether different outlook and hope. But I guess, sometimes you want to keep your logical self aside and give in to the collective madness and euphoria of the moment. I have another silly and ‘superstitious’ reason for anticipating this year with more excitement than others past. I don’t presume anyone has read this very old post of mine about the significance of the number ‘7’ in my life; here it is if you’re interested. Now, considering how 7 and I are good for each other, and how 2005, which is the last 7 I remember, was one of the best years of my life (what with spending the whole year in one of the best cities I have ever visited, Hong Kong!), I have much to expect of 2014. I promise to keep you posted, in any case, dear blog! J
 

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 2:03 pm 2 comments
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