To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
~ Aristotle
Saturday, December 28, 2019
 
Kabhi kisi ko mukammal jahaan nahin milta
Kahin zameen toh kahin aasmaan nahin milta
~Nida Fazli
 
Roughly translated these lines mean:
No one ever gets a perfect world
Someone doesn't get the earth, someone the sky
This is perhaps the happiest time of the year in general but for some reason it makes me more and more reflective and melancholy every year. I think of the things that could have been and the things that might be lost someday... I guess I could instead think of all the lovely things that have come about and all the wonderful things that might be in store for me. 
To be honest, the last year was much, much better than I could have ever hoped for in one respect... and it inclines me far more positively toward the coming year. Yes, other areas of my life could do with the same good fortune but like the famous Hindi couplet goes, no one ever gets everything... one thing or the other is always missing... I guess I need to count the blessings that I do have rather than focus on the missing bits. Life could have been far less kind to me than it has been and it would be churlish of me not to recognise this kindness... flowing to me from the universe... perhaps we are all given certain kinds of natures that find fulfilment in certain kinds of goals or accomplishments... and it seems to me that the universe has pulled me in a direction that is fitting for who I am... or how I am... I could question why I have to be this way and not like everyone else so I could find happiness in the things that everyone finds happiness in... but that is a meaningless train of thought...At this time of the year, I need to acknowledge the fitness of things in their incompleteness... I might not have a perfect world as indeed no one does... but I sure have been blessed with a world that is near perfect for me... and I need to acknowledge that that is no small thing... and not given to everyone...

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 1:53 pm 0 comments
Sunday, December 08, 2019
 
Truth be told
 
Truth be told
I think of you
More than I
Am supposed to
 
Truth be told
I dream of you
More than you
Might wish me to
 
Truth be told
Not a day goes
When the thought of you
Doesn’t take hold
 
Truth be told
I hate you so
For I’d rather not
Love you more
 

~Me 

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 8:00 pm 0 comments
Friday, November 29, 2019
 
I have been super, super busy (as you can no doubt tell!)… and will be continue to be so for the next two weeks… my faithful readers would know that December is the time I go home… and yes, I am going home this time too! …but it means I have a ton of work to wrap up…so speeding to the finish is a priority for now…

Wrote the following a few weeks ago and forgot to post…maybe just as well! :)


I needed advice on a certain minor decision recently. I asked someone I look up to for it and they expressed confidence in my own ability to make the right decision. The problem was that I just didn’t know what the right decision was. I decided then to take one step which wouldn’t exactly materialise the event but it would set the balling rolling in a way that the decision would be taken out of my hands and would move into the field of ‘chance’. The other party could accept or reject at the next stage so it wouldn’t anymore be my decision so all I had done was to put the event within the domain of possibility, so to speak. Had I not take that one step it wouldn’t have moved into the field of possibility at all so it would in effect have been my decision to not make the event come about, but this way, I thought, I was simply giving both negative and positive possibilities an equal chance.

It seemed to me that by taking this approach I had essentially made the decision to trust God. If I hadn’t taken the step, it would be my decision to not let the event materialise. If I take the step, I am certainly giving the event a chance to materialise but only a chance because there are also many variables involved in this event materialising in my favour so if it did materialise or didn’t, it would no longer be my decision but God’s way of telling me that it was the right decision whatever it was. Rationalising in this way, I felt not only good about how I had handled the matter, I also felt that it allowed me to have a certain sense of detachment for the outcome. Had I consciously decided in favour of the event without it being in my complete control to bring it about and then had it not occurred because of some or the other variable going wrong, I would have been dejected. I would have felt that I wanted something and made an effort for it, and it didn’t happen. Whereas, in this scheme of things, I could tell myself that I am neutral to the outcome, and the outcome itself would determine my choice rather than my choice taking me toward an unpredictable outcome… essentially, whatever the outcome, it would be the one that I would think was good for me.

It seems to me that a lot of people perhaps go about decision-making in their lives in this way. The general rule being that whatever happens, happens for the best. If things work out, they were meant to, if they don’t, they weren’t. I think it allows one to become more Zen-like in one’s response to events where instead of feeling disappointed or miserable one simply feels that this might be for the best. You take every event or its materialisation/non-materialisation not as an event that you brought about or didn’t (and perhaps your detachedness in the process is key to seeing it this way) but as something that by its very materialisation or lack of it tells you whether it is good one way or the other…and whichever it is, is for the best.

Moving to the present, the event did materialise. I wonder if my relaxed attitude to the outcome and through the process actually helped bring it about… which would be paradoxical to say the least!

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 11:01 pm 0 comments
Sunday, November 17, 2019
 
I sometimes wonder if I think too much of myself especially since I appreciate humility as a virtue. I swing like a pendulum from thinking no end of myself to thinking very little, and in between I ask myself why I have to be one extreme or the other. I could very well be so-so or the cringe worthy ‘average’. Why should I be excellent or nothing? The trouble with thinking in such extremes is that you take every situation and every person as some sort of a test for where you stand. If you perform excellently one day and get a pat on the back, you swing one way, and if someone seems to look past you on the street (maybe they didn’t even notice you), you might swing the other. Your control or hold on your own sense of self is very precarious because it is not located within your own self but rather on the outside in the perceived validations and negations.  

While I often speak about my favourite virtues, the one vice I have and have had since childhood is jealousy. I think that no vice is so bad if one has awareness of it and in that sense perhaps there is no vice as bad as a lack of self-awareness because if you are not self-aware chances are you don’t even recognise your own vices and therefore cannot reflect about them, much less correct them or at least control them. It seems to me that my propensity for jealousy might be related to a desire for validation from the external world and a feeling that if this validation doesn’t come from those whose validation is highly esteemed then it means you swing the other way, you are not good enough, or even worse, you are ‘average’. This vice can be destructive if one focuses on comparison and competition with those who do get the validation because then instead of working toward becoming more worthy of validation one focuses on becoming better than another person(s) which I would assume is detrimental to achieving the objective of self-improvement which requires a positive focus… whereas this same vice through self-awareness could also be positively transformative if instead of focusing on comparison and competition, one works toward self-improvement and becoming worthy of the validation of one who is highly esteemed. But what would be even better is if one detaches oneself from desire for validation from an external entity and focuses on desire for self-improvement for its own sake (and not for the sake of external validation). Instead of viewing people as competition and contesting for the same validation one could view them all as on their own journey which could be more or less successful than yours but which nevertheless does not have a bearing on your own unique journey of self-making or self-improvement or self-fulfilment or whatever that might be (I realise that I am increasingly using academic jargon on my blog—is that a good thing or bad, dear readers?).

I guess what I’m saying is that the only validation worth seeking comes from within and not from outside albeit if one is self-aware and reflective…and if others receive it more than you do even from ones whom you esteem, it should not cause any jealousy or negative emotion because you are secure in your own validation. Your sense of self is not precariously perched on the fragile branch of arbitrary evaluation and whimsical appreciation.

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 7:15 pm 0 comments
Thursday, November 14, 2019
 
Sincerity
 

No longer do we set store
By sincerity
To mean
What we say
To say
What we mean
To say it like it is
Is not common
Anymore
 
I would rather
Be honestly critiqued
Than showered
With insincere praise
Or even be
Dealt harsh blows
Genuinely meant
Or reserved for me
Than be flattered
Or coddled
With sweet words
And soft sentiments
That don't go deep
Below the surface
Nor meant justly
for me 
 
Hand me truth
Most bitter
Any day
Than sweetness
Most false
I could live with
Bitter truth
As with vile medicine
Which does good
Eventually
But never
Sweet lies
 
~Me

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 11:37 pm 0 comments
Sunday, November 10, 2019
 
I sometimes feel the weariness of life a little too heavily. Most times one goes about one’s activities casually or determinedly never really thinking or pausing to think about the larger purpose, about where all this is leading to, about where we are all headed, about what tomorrow may be expected to bring and how I would expect to cope… but sometimes…sometimes you take a pause albeit to rest but the mind wanders to these sorts of questions and then you realise why it’s easier to be busy or to do something, anything… as long as you are doing something or involved in something or feeling like you are being productive in some way, life passes, it goes on…one activity to the next, one goal to the next, you move along… but pausing and thinking can be dangerous… it can take the joy out of the activity too because now you’re doing it with full awareness of how meaningless it is… you have to put extra effort to numb the awareness or to trick yourself into believing in meaning, in a larger purpose, in a design… and you serving some purpose in this grand design…you have to hold onto that thought somehow… the more you believe in it the more you are able to invest in your activity-filled life with some semblance of passion… and that is perhaps for the best… because what would be the alternative?

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 4:38 am 0 comments
Monday, November 04, 2019
 
The oven in our shared home had a problem. The person who came to fix it moved the oven a bit to figure out what’s wrong and it turned out that it was actually sitting on the wire which is how the wire must have cracked. He told me that he would bring a new oven to replace this one. My spontaneous reaction no doubt ingrained in me over the years in my experience of how such issues are usually dealt with in India was to ask if the wire couldn’t be replaced. I am not usually curious about electric, electronic, technological matters and I am painfully aware of my lack of knowledge in this area but I must have been really surprised that this small problem must mean such a huge deal that I couldn’t stop myself from asking. His answer was something like “oh yes, I can. Let me get a new wire!” I was flabbergasted! I mean, I couldn’t really fathom that it was actually possible to fix the wire and the chap thought of replacing the entire oven instead!

This got me thinking about the cultural difference. In India we make do with resources or fix them till they can be fixed no more. If the soles of our shoes break off, we get them mended; if the wires in the umbrella get bent out of shape, we get them repaired; if the blades in the grinders stop moving, we get them new blades (incidentally my grinder developed this problem and my mom has taken it back to India to get it fixed)… but here one would throw away the shoe, the umbrella, the grinder and buy new ones. It makes sense too because you’d probably pay more to fix these items here (unless one is an electrician like the oven guy) than to replace them. And one is so used to this ‘replacement’ mind-set that even in a situation where fixing is a viable option one does not think of it (like the oven guy) whereas the fixing option comes to mind first to me because that’s the option we always go for when something breaks down back home… getting a new one is the last option and only explored after every other option has been exhausted.

This brings me to another incident that happened today. I had bought a brand new jacket with a zip broken because it was on a discount and because it also had buttons. I assumed I’d be able to wear it well with the buttons and might get my mom to help me fix it when I see her in December but the buttons didn’t really work as planned. The jacket was a bit too snug ;) …and the buttons would pop open which is not much help in the winter. So I took it to a cobbler’s shop where they said they couldn’t fix it but pointed me to a place where they mended clothes. I was pretty happy to know such a place even existed because so far I had never come across any ‘mending’ options. I went there, showed my jacket, and the zipper that had come off… the response was that I would need to replace the entire zipping paraphernalia from the jacket which apparently would cost me more than the jacket itself! I asked her if she couldn’t try fastening the zipper into its place in the jacket. Her answer was an emphatic ‘no’ at first but when I said I couldn’t afford to pay more than the jacket to fix it she said she’ll see what she could do. She then used some of her implements to get the zipper locked into place in the jacket and it worked… just like that, in 5 minutes. She didn’t charge me anything though I kept insisting (extremely kind of her I thought!). Again the first option and presumably also the last that she came up with was to replace the entire equipment rather than to see if she could fix the zipper!

Makes me wonder about the culture of ‘use and throw’ that we as a society are moving toward. Not just here but also in India where the more affluent or upper middle class are concerned… instead of using creative ways to fix things we now simply go for something new… the motivation to fix something is also lacking in that sense… why put effort into fixing the old when you could get a new one for cheaper… it seems to me that this makes us value things in themselves also much less… we do not see them as long-term durable assets that need to be cared for and maintained but as short-term replaceable goods …ready to be thrown at the first sign of a defect… it’s not difficult to see how this attitude may spread to other areas of life including relationships… maybe what we think of as purely economic behaviour has the power to transform our general behaviour by transforming our notion of ‘value’?

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 6:50 am 0 comments
Wednesday, October 30, 2019
 

Disappointment
 
To what do I equate
The weight of disappointment
A heavy stone
That sinks lower and lower
Into a bottomless depth
Or to an arrow
That pierces sharply and stings
At the most sensitive core
Maybe a kiss withdrawn
At almost the point of meeting
Leaving the lover bewildered and foolish
All resemble
In varying degrees
Impacts on the heart
But what of the mind
That rendered dumb in the instant
Bears scars permanent
Moves away from the object
Of enchantment
Never to welcome again
Heady anticipation
That dies before it even grows
In the unfortunate womb
Of false premises and promises
The dejected self
Crouches back
Into its own world
Never to be hurt again
Or
Disappointed!
 
~Me

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 8:25 pm 0 comments
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
 
I am grappling with a disappointment. I have always had this irrational idea that if I speak too well about a particular person or thing or if I like a particular person or thing too much, then something will happen to take this particular person or thing away from me or something will happen to ruin my good relationship with said person or thing. I have a vague sense of fear of losing the person or thing the moment I discover an attachment for it.

I think there is a general belief in the Indian culture (perhaps in other cultures too?) to the effect that if you are too happy about something or rather show your happiness about something to people, then something bad will happen to spoil your happiness. The problem with having this irrational belief is that instead of interpreting a situation in a logical way one jumps to the conclusion that something really bad must have happened. To give a rather silly example, if I keep saying that I write good essays and then discover that I have a writer’s block, I don’t conclude that maybe I just need to postpone writing or maybe I need to think of other ideas but that because I have been harping about my good essays something bad has happened, and I cannot write them anymore!

Well, so my present disappointment is largely because I am interpreting a situation in this irrational way. I was so looking forward to a particular situation that now that this situation is unexpectedly not happening I am unable to digest the practical or logistical reasons and I am looking for cues or making them up to convince myself that something more dire has happened. It seems to me that I was looking forward to the situation so much that I almost made it not happen, if you know what I mean!

I guess sometimes we tend to internalise disappointments and dejections to convince ourselves perversely that they must be in some irrational way our own fault. The more we think these things are our own fault the more we try not to want things too much because in the very act of wanting them we seem to push them away…it’s almost like we don’t deserve anything good and the only way to have anything good is by not wanting it too much or not giving away the fact that we want it too much…lest the evil eye or whatever the superstitious term for it snatch the thing away from us… maybe it is not the superstitions playing a trick on us but our own insecurities that stop us from believing in our own worth and believing that those who rightly judge this worth will stick around no matter what… and those who don’t… isn’t the sooner they are snatched away, the better?

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 8:36 pm 0 comments
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
 
I was having a conversation with someone from the Psychology field and she told me this interesting effect whereby the state of a person’s being, say for example if they’re feeling tired, influences their ‘objective’ evaluation of characteristics of the environment, say for example, the incline of a hill. In short, the more tired I am the more I might overestimate the difficulty level of climbing the hill, which seemed pretty self-evident to me, but according to this friend, it wasn’t so much the ‘subjective’ perception she was talking about but the ‘objective’ estimate in that I would actually err in estimating an incline or distance if it relates to walking rather than simply finding it subjectively difficult to climb or walk if I was say for example tired. When I asked her how they would be able to tell if it was my subjective perception or my objective estimate that was at work in the judgement, she said that they would use techniques to get at the most objective estimate possible, though she admitted that this would be tough given that humans were usually pretty bad at this sort of estimation. I would agree because I think even if I am far from being tired I couldn’t tell the incline of a hill or the distance to the bus stop ;)

This made me think about a recent incident which is quite different overall but maybe one can see the similarity too. I was having a particularly strenuous and exhausting day—both physically and mentally. Basically I was on my real and figurative toes from sometime in the morning to sometime late in the evening; all I wanted to do was get home and crash on my comfortable bed. I don’t remember the last time I felt so mind-bogglingly tired but I think it might be because I am not used to it that it got me feeling much worse. So, almost when I was about to pack up, I happened to check my email and there was one that snapped something in me. It was a pretty business-like email but without going into specifics all I can say is that it was a bit of a bad news in a rather unfair sense. I am sure at any other time this email would have caught me off-guard and annoyed me too but catching me at a moment when I was completely physically exhausted and strained, it had something of an overwhelming effect on me. I almost felt tears in my eyes and numbed by the contents. I was consumed by rage and wanted to emotionally react to it though I guess I talked some sense into myself and diverted my ire in a more useful direction. Now that I think about the whole episode more calmly I realise, as in the case of the person judging the difficulty of climbing the hill when they are tired (subjectively speaking though), my physical and mental exhaustion contributed to the way I judged the email. This is not to say that the email did not demand any such reaction; a hill would be difficult to climb no matter how relaxed I am but my state of being increased the poignancy of my reaction. Perhaps if I had simply closed my mailbox and checked it the next day I would have said to myself that it was unfair but there was little I could do about it so let me just focus on what was in my control and get on with my day. Instead I chose to react and act in a very different way…

Makes one wonder about decisions in general… how different would they be if made on a different day or made when one’s state of being was quite different?

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 12:14 am 0 comments
Thursday, October 17, 2019
 
Those of you who follow this blog religiously (let me assume there are a few ;)) might be wondering what happened to my housemate situation. Well, as the great bard said, all’s well that ends well!

I was afraid that I would have to make adjustments to my beloved routines and ways of living but I believe I have struck gold because not only am I able to stick with all my routines and ways in this new arrangement (all thanks to the very accommodating and respectful housemates!), I also have the added benefit of interaction and conversation. Out of all my housemates (2 British and 1 Chinese) I happen to have the most interactions with my Chinese housemate who is a very young girl finding her feet in a new university in a new country while learning the culture and language on the go. I have a feeling that my exchanges with her particularly about cultural matters are going to be a source of reflection on this blog :)
It’s funny how when I was living in solitude, I enjoyed its many aspects, and now when I am living among people, it hasn’t taken me much time at all to look forward to the human aspects. I generally tend to sit in the lounge attached to the kitchen while my housemates all prefer to be in their own rooms most of the time (didn’t I say I get to preserve my routines? ;)). The Chinese housemate usually spends some time in the lounge/kitchen making dinner in the evening after getting back from the university, where I am invariably ensconced and up for a chat. Last week I happened to have a rather busy day and decided to take a nap in my room till late in the evening. When I popped out finally, the Chinese housemate greeted me exuberantly and told me that when she didn’t find me sitting in the familiar place when she got back she felt that “something was missing in her life” (her rather quaint way of expression struck me as a cultural influence but not the less charming for that!). I have to admit that I felt quite touched... this emotional element is something that never fails to draw me out… it was lying a bit dormant in my solitude and I see it now coming to the fore a lot more :)

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 12:11 am 0 comments
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
 
I was having a conversation recently in a research context where I remarked that one cannot be poor and happy. I received immediate objections to this statement because people felt it was an extreme generalisation. I qualified my statement saying that almost all of us live in a capitalist world today, and in such a world at least one cannot be both poor and happy, as this world is not designed for both these conditions to be true at the same time.

I believe that having a lot of money may not make you happy but not having enough to make the choices that you would make without any financial constraints imposes on you a life that is not one of your own choosing and it seems to me that it is impossible to be happy living a life that is thrust upon you rather than one that you choose. The things that make one happy be it art or leisure or knowledge or whatever require money to pursue, and when I say money I also mean time because for those without idle money lying in the bank, time is equivalent to money. In an 8-hour workday you cannot work 24 hours so even if the museum is free to go to, you cannot really spend your time nonchalantly in activities that bring no money because unfortunately you cannot eat art or survive by walking in the beautiful woods even if they are food for the soul. The body needs nourishment as much as the soul and if you have money to take care of the needs of the body only then are you free to focus on the delights of the soul. Else, you're busy simply fending for bodily needs and I’m not sure by what measure this kind of a life that is all about plain existence could be called a happy one… at least from my subjective perspective.
I would grant though that those who have a great inner urge or drive to fulfil their potential are not constrained by material limitations because the urge is too strong... this is not to say though that they are specimens of the poor and happy kind because that would have to mean that they accept the conditions and impositions that a poor life has placed on them... it is more that they do not let their poverty have a final say in the life that they would lead… in this sense their happiness depends on rising above the conditions of poverty… reaching for the joys of the soul in spite of the hardships of the body.

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 6:54 am 0 comments
Saturday, October 05, 2019
 

It seems to me a precious quality, to have it in one's power to be cruel and get away with it, and yet to choose to be kind. 
Though I say ‘choose’, paradoxically I don't think it's about choice at all. It's not about what we choose to do but what we cannot help but choose because of who we are. The innately non-kind or mean person though will show cruelty when they know they can get away with it; their surface kindness is a show and when there is no audience or when behind the curtains their mask will drop soon enough. The kind person might even be cruel to be kind in public because they are not doing it to appear kind—but it will be very easy to distinguish this kind of well-intentioned cruelty from the mean one and you will even respect them the more for it because their kindness comes from a place of strength and not weakness as it may be assumed of some versions of kindness.
Lately, I must admit I have been preoccupied with the virtue of kindness. It is only when you experience darkness that you really see the value of light, and the last few years have taught me its value both by absence and abundance. I hope to express more kindness in my life and relations as well... while kindness does emanate from who one is one cannot deny that there are other parts of the person one is that could at times conflict with kindness. I guess in these instances it becomes a choice... and I hope to choose kindness more.
 
When all was dark
And I was lost
Ready to give up
Lay down my weary guns
When it didn't seem
I could go on
Anymore
That is when you
Unassuming and kind
Came into my life
Like a warm glow
Of light
Lifted me up
From the very
Ground
Scooped me
Trampled and mangled
Brought me to life
Little by little
Not knowing
What a huge difference
It made
Your every small act
Of kindness

~Me

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 4:37 am 0 comments
Saturday, September 28, 2019
 
These days there are a lot of arguments for and against bringing more children into a world that is already overburdened and not exactly a hospitable place. The nature of life itself being what it is isn't something one would want to wish on anyone. In spite of the 'against' arguments though there doesn't seem to be any slowdown in the rate of increase of the human population; perhaps this increase happens to be higher in parts of the world where these considerations don't hold as much water as traditional or religious ones. Of course, in the final analysis it isn't any of these kinds of considerations but biological imperatives that get the upper hand one would imagine.

While that may be the case, purely as an intellectual exercise let’s consider this question in two ways: one way is that by giving birth to a human in this world we actually ‘create’ the human. Now if we as in human beings produce a human by plain biological processes then that reduces all of us to plain biological organisms. In other words, until we bring this person into the world the essence of this person does not exist; similar to what we would say for a cow or a bird. It makes sense that we would want to create this individual after our own likeness so to speak but it only serves to fulfil an egoistic necessity and has no higher meaning. It's just a living fact as all other living facts and cannot claim any ‘value’ status of itself. The second way to consider this question is theological where we believe that in a larger sense we don't produce this human at all in that we don't produce the essence or the soul but merely an earthly body in which this essence or soul is conveyed to earth. The soul pre-exists its birth; you merely deliver this soul into an earthly existence. It is not the same as giving birth to a cow or a bird because this human is not just a biological organism but a transcendental entity couched in an earthly frame. When it dies only its earthly frame returns to dust but the soul lives on. If this is the case, which seems like a more logical case from a religious point of view, then not bringing a new life to bear on earth should not make any material difference at all because the essence of this life that you would have given birth to exists independently anyway and all you would be doing is not creating an earthly cover for it which is not something one imagines a soul would be coveting anyway! Even though you do not get to know this ‘unborn soul’ whom you could have potentially loved more than anyone else in the world you are in a way acting in its own interest or for its own benefit by making it possible for it to skip earthly suffering. Instead of making sacrifices for it in life, you are making the biggest sacrifice possible by not giving it a life that it must then endure for better or worse until it again becomes a soul.

Looked at in these two ways, biologically and theologically, the arguments seem to favour the position that it is better to not proliferate the world with more humans. Yet we do. Most likely because our instincts are bigger than us... or perhaps it's just that misery loves company ;)

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 3:36 am 0 comments
Sunday, September 22, 2019
 
In the olden days the enlightened ones figured out that the source of all suffering and pain was attachment. Attachment to worldly goods, to worldly relations, everything material in essence I would think. They gave up everything and went and sat in the mountains. Over the centuries there seems to have been a gradual but sure move back to the plains or the world of attachments so much so that now the holy mantra is to maximise attachments as much as possible be it goods or relationships. How did we go from one extreme to the other? From enlightenment to enrichment?

This idea of attachments bringing pain and detachment bringing peace never really resonated with me before. To me it seemed that, yes, attachments do bring pain—I can't deny that I am mad at my mother a lot of times—but they bring a lot of pleasure too. What else is there if one gives up on attachments? What did the rishis or sanyasis or sages really do on the top of the mountains?

Well, I think I am a bit more sympathetic to their worldview or position now after having gained life experience I guess. I feel that pursuing knowledge for its own sake gives me more pleasure than many relationships because these inevitably lead to disappointment and despair. There is a dynamic in attachments in the worldly sense where pleasure and pain are two sides of the same coin; if you take one you take the other. But certain other pursuits though they don’t bring pleasure in the same way they bring peace or calm or contentment or internal harmony without the pain. I wonder if meditation does this but I have no experience of it so can't really comment.

In today's world of hyper consumption and hyper connections (fuelled by online media) there is an even greater urge and push to hoard things and people. This desire to amass more and more feeds on itself never quite achieving satiety eventually leading to disappointment and despair. Also, the more one is oriented to attachments in the external world the more one loses a grounding in the self…maybe why paradoxically the more we accumulate, the less we seem to attain at least in terms of net happiness.

I wonder though if it's possible to nurture detachment in the thick of worldly living ...to find one's internal mountain so to speak from whose peak we are not lured by the prospect of attachment to persons or things? Quite doubtful that the wise sages of yesteryears missed a trick or two…

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 3:21 am 0 comments
Thursday, September 19, 2019
 
Do not go gentle into that good night

Rage, rage against the dying of the light
~ Dylan Thomas

Seldom have two lines had the power to evoke such powerful emotion in my opinion. Even though there is no mention of 'death' or 'dying' the aura is unmistakable... one feels a sense of pain, imminent loss, mourning, beseeching, sorrow, spiritual turmoil...all at once...

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 7:32 pm 0 comments
Monday, September 16, 2019
 
So, dear readers… if you followed my last post you will understand when I say that I write from a new abode… yes, I have shifted… bag, baggage and soul… and I have to say that I have done more physical exertion in the last two days than I have done in the last two months… I am pretty lazy when it comes to physical labour… or rather I simply focus on exerting myself in areas where my strengths lie ;) …I feel a heavy sense of relief now because the anticipation of physical exertion, the change, the mess, the chaos of disorganised stuff, the newness and things not to my liking… well, suffice to say that I feel like I have been moving in my head for at least a month though the actual shifting occurred in the space of two days…

I did mention I would have new flatmates but luckily they will arrive a week or more from now… I am quite glad that that is the case because it gives me time to do the all-important familiarisation and routinisation in my own way… I imagine I will have to adapt a bit differently when other people enter the equation but I think it gives me the much needed edge of feeling at home which would have been difficult to do if I was the new one… in a way I have had this rather weird feeling like I am one of the ‘housemates’ in the Big Boss’ (like Big Brother in the UK) house... I am the first member to arrive, and like me, everyone would be curious about who the other housemates are…what I am going to hate the most is ‘small talk’… it’s a strange feeling but guess as usual I am overthinking…

The other rather not-so-happy thing for me is that all this mental and physical uncertainty is not good for my work focus… I know myself well so knew it would be so and was expecting a slow down if not a shut down for a few days… even so I can’t help feel the anxiety of not having done as much as I think I should have… trying to stay positive with the thought that at last now I have opened up a Word doc (even if to write a blog ;)) so it means I am going to be on track pretty soon… It also means that the conditions for ‘work’ have been set up in this home… so guess there is reason to hope that all may be well yet…

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 3:52 am 0 comments
Wednesday, September 11, 2019
 

I have mentioned quite often in the past few months how I am starting to relish my solitude. When I thought more about it I realised that I have actually always lived more inside my head than outside it. Childhood onwards be it school or college or work, my interactions with my family were limited to lunches/dinners on weekdays and a few more occasions on weekends. I would generally be ensconced in the bedroom with a book (we didn't have a separate bedroom for each kid but I imagine if we did I would have been practically invisible!) and ventured outside only for nourishment be it food or general conversation. I was never interested in the television especially in those days and my brother who was pretty much the master of the decision of what to watch preferred loud action movies which are the thing I wouldn’t watch if they were the only thing to watch on earth; other times Saas-Bahu (mother-in-law/daughter-in-law) sagas would go on for the benefit of my mom and I am not sure between action movies and Saas-Bahu soaps if I really could decide which was worse. Be that as it may, I enjoyed my books too much and I never experienced it as 'alone time'. I guess it wasn't in the typical sense of the word because I was conscious of being surrounded by family except that mentally I existed in a different world… it was perhaps like being in the best of both worlds at the same time.
I started integrating more within the everyday life of the family only in recent years... maybe the realisation crept up on me that I wouldn't have the emotional experience of living with my family for too long and I should enjoy it to the fullest extent while I can. The advent of Netflix also helped because my brother and I had more options that we could watch in common or more accurately knowing my distaste for action he was open to exploring other genres that might interest both him and I. Mystery for example is something I enjoy and it's something of an intellectual action movie so to speak (!) so he enjoys it too. 
Well, looking back now I feel that my whole life I have veered toward solitude rather than crowds and even when I enjoy being with people it’s perhaps selective people and in intermittent doses. It's rather difficult to explain to people who love being around people all the time how one can enjoy being solitary... but the truth is it never feels like being on one’s own because you are too busy with things or thoughts. I am constantly processing ideas inside my brain for my research… trying to make connections and find patterns and grab them in some written form before they go poof! … It is not that different from when I was a child mentally living in the world of books though I won’t deny that I miss having family around. There is an emotional strength one derives from the mere presence of loving people (who are mindful of not getting on your nerves ;)) and it’s something I very much miss.
Coming to my news, things are about to change for the worse. For reasons that are too many to get into here, I will start living in a shared accommodation space in a week or so. I am already feeling a little apprehensive about it as I am apprehensive about any change from my normal routine and this is a big change to put it mildly; apart from missing my solitude I am afraid of not being able to do many things the way I like doing them. The only positive thing one could say about this development is that it might offer me some diversion in the form of human conversation but whether that's welcome or not will really depend on the form it takes (conversation is something that I love having with the right kind of people but the ‘right kind’ is a very ‘rare kind’). I am hoping for the best but not holding my breath... and neither should you, dear reader!
What follows is a tongue-in-cheek take... :)


Ode to Solitude

Farewell, solitude
Here we part
Or shall I say
I do depart
Not out of choice
For nothing pleases me
More than you
But because I must
At this juncture
Find better pastures
To live and hope and dream
But fear thee not
‘tis temporary
Unlike capricious lovers
My word’s my bond
And once I have declared
Sweet allegiance
Never shall it be broken
Not now, not tomorrow
But for this little relapse
Whose cause is not my will
I might have gone your way
Yet I shall meet you still
Not quite tomorrow
But another day
Let your sweetness dull not till then
For I care for no company but you
Perverse luck pulls me away 
But we shall meet again
Soon


~Me

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 9:18 pm 0 comments
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
 

We might be alone
In this pale yellow light
Where many voices speak
Arguments are born
Decisions are made
Errors noted and undone
But all that matters
Occurs secretly
In the space of the heart
Where forbidden emotion breathes
Soft though it is
But rising above the din
Louder than all
Babbling mouths
Urging no reasons
And yet
So convincing
Only to be heard
By the one other heart
Which cannot remain oblivious
To its damning influence
Though it tries hard! 

~Me

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 3:57 am 0 comments
Sunday, September 08, 2019
 
Today is the Nativity feast or the birthday of the Blessed Virgin Mary. It happens to be one of the very few times that I am not at home celebrating it with everyone. I believe I have posted before about the rather traditional celebration that we have on this day, sort of doubling up as a harvest feast... the main items on the agenda are church, sweets, traditional meal (vegetarian).
 
I happened to speak to a relative today and her not-so-surprising question was, "Did you go to church?" I said, "No". Next question, "Are you going in the evening?" "No". "Why?" I debated whether to give the short answer which would be a false one or the long answer which could become a philosophical-theological one-sided argument but also like playing music to deaf ears so I settled for the short false one. 
I sensed myself feeling a bit exasperated after the phone call as I usually do when I am put in a position where I have to state something false because the other party is too closed-minded. I still think I couldn't have said anything otherwise but that irritates me even more. I recently mentioned how the Indian way of asking questions with lack of sensitivity to a different point of view puts me in a difficult corner because of my own sympathetic attitude to the questioner's ignorance on the one hand and distaste for diplomacy on the other. 
I thought about this person a bit more to see things from their worldview and realised that this person had seen so very little of the world outside their own cocoon bound up and entangled in relationships and their coercive demands that they could perhaps not envision someone doing whatever they pleased on a day or days that manifestly bring out these coercions and entanglements in the form of social rituals. The outer significance of these rituals is to bond together as a family or extended family and collectively thank God for past blessings and ask for more but the inner workings of it require you to subject yourself to the dominance of tradition or the ones who dominate in the name of tradition. There is simply no possibility of not going to church or one does not even imagine such acts as possibilities because in these setups one becomes a 'group' and what is impossible to the group ceases to be a possibility for an individual. It is only an individual who can question a tradition or choose not to follow one or customise it to suit themselves but in this monolith group all move in the same direction and a person's individuality or identity ceases to exist apart from the group. When I thought about it from this point of view I realised that this person was asking me a very genuine question. They couldn't even imagine how I was doing something that just did not fit in the scheme of this monolith group operation. And I guess my response was appropriate in that sense because it was made to be processed by someone within this group conformity scheme of things rather than a scheme where each person may do whatever they wish to without being subjected to a group will.
The more I think about it the more I marvel at the fact that had my life taken a few different turns I might have been swallowed up into this group institution. It's not at all to say that people are unhappy as a group because once you are in it you don’t even realise there's an alternative way to be, but being outside of it now I feel enormously glad that my life has turned out differently. That life wasn’t for me. Not because my life is a happier one but it certainly is one that I feel is truer to who I am. And that's what I am most thankful to Mother Mary for today… for leading me to a life where I am so much more freer to be myself (submitting to God’s will and no other man’s—at least to the extent that one can in this social world!).

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 10:27 pm 0 comments
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