To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
~ Aristotle
Thursday, August 08, 2019
 
I had an experience at an Indian restaurant recently that brought home to me quite starkly one of the things that I particularly dislike about the Indian culture. It is the propensity of complete strangers to ask you very private questions with unmasked curiosity and to offer unsolicited opinions and judgements concerning them. It is not the same as having a general conversation where both sort of indicate some comfort about discussing a sensitive topic and then you take the topic as far as it goes, even pushing boundaries if you will; this conversation is based on interest in the general topic itself and not any aspect of one’s private life and if any private information is revealed then it is completely at the discretion of the concerned party. In fact, in such conversations chances are that you will be persuaded or even wish to offer private information as more and more trust and mutual respect is established.

In the Indian instance of the conversation, if one can even call it that because it is forced on one through one-sided questioning, the aim is to know everything one can about the stranger’s private life and to judge every aspect of it from one’s narrow point of view (with no care whatsoever about the level of interest shown toward such line of questioning). Why anyone would be curious enough to know about a stranger’s private life and what makes them feel that they have the right to ask questions intruding on another’s privacy and how they muster the courage to offer opinions without expressly being asked for it confounds me! I think it is because it confounds me so much that I am never really prepared when I am actually embroiled in the situation. Instead of responding in an appropriate manner, basically questioning them on their presumption or arrogance, or at the very least not responding at all, I find myself giving them exactly the kind of information they need in a sort of stupor that then allows them to continue with glee.
This is what happened in the Indian restaurant. The Indian restaurant manager took it upon himself to ask me very private questions that while I was wondering the audacity of I was also finding myself responding to truthfully. And as can be predicted, the man proceeded to comment on and evaluate this information as if it was the most natural thing in the world to my further amazement and embarrassment. I was mad at myself for having put myself in this situation and after removing myself from the site as fast as I could (luckily I had finished eating), I couldn’t help thinking about why I couldn’t respond better or more specifically why did I offer information instead of putting this person in his rightful place.
What I realised is that coming from this same culture and knowing this specific tendency of Indian people I am unable to respond to it as someone outside of it might or would. I suppose I realise that those who act in this way act out of complete ignorance rather than knowledge and I could only put someone in their place if they came from a place of knowledge or even malice for that matter but how do I correct someone who was simply acting as they have always acted with no knowledge of how such actions may impact different types of people. It is also worth remembering that they see me as a fellow Indian and that emboldens them enough to think that I share these cultural ways of being and seeing and thinking and acting and that means that they think they can be with me the way they are with other fellow Indians. It seems to me that to do anything other than behave as any other ‘fellow Indian’ would, would mean to act in a culturally shocking way for them…and something tells me that while I am able to take a generous view of their behaviour towards me even though I find it shocking, they would not be able to understand my reaction at all!
I think there is another way to act in this situation to resolve the tension between not wanting to verbally punish them for something they are not aware they are doing or cannot help doing in any case and not punishing myself by going against my own instinct for privacy or authenticity. That would be to rebuff their questioning in a ‘light-hearted’ way rather than with a serious rebuke. One could even call it a diplomatic way whereby you are not giving in to what is demanded but not making the person feel the worse for it. Many people have this ability to be diplomatic rather than direct so that their aims are achieved and the relationships are also maintained but I confess that even though I can see its advantage, it is very much against my grain. There is something very inauthentic about it, something of fakeness or falseness, and it seems to me that I would only be exchanging one devil for another.
What all this means is that because I have too much sympathy for where this person is coming from to pull them up and because I do not have the art of the diplomatic banter to ease off the situation in my favour, I simply offer the requested information in as terse a way as possible and make a quick exit. Well, that’s what I did. Another thing that I intend to do is to never visit that Indian restaurant again. So there, I am taking my revenge after all! :)

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 11:56 pm 0 comments
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