To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
~ Aristotle
Thursday, March 26, 2020
 
I am bristling a bit right now. Something happened to make me think about how I found it difficult to voice my opinions or to have deeper conversations back in India.

Even as a child I was made to feel that arguing is “bad”. I could never understand why arguing was bad or why I had to keep my disagreements to myself instead of bringing them out. Parents in India have this thing they say to kids to the effect that, oh, now that you’re more educated than me you can argue with me! As if arguing with them is disrespectful and amounts to questioning their authority. Basically, arguers are seen as a negative bunch of people, a bit similar to “complainers” who ironically are never victims or ones who may have valid things to complain about but rather merely those making a big mountain out of a molehill instead of shutting up and sucking it up. The upshot was that I always felt guilty about having this tendency to “argue” or “contest” or “debate” or “question” rather than “agree” or “accept” or “comply” or “go with the flow”. I couldn’t really be the other way so I mostly clammed up. Said nothing. Kept my thoughts to myself or shared them in my diary/blog. If I met people with whom I realised I could be myself, I let myself out gingerly at first and then more freely. But otherwise I was this rather silent, non-talkative, reticent person…
I finally feel like I don’t need to be apologetic about simply stating my views honestly, be they controversial or unpopular. I can be myself, I can argue till the cows come home, I can share the most outlandish theories, I can contest even my seniors… it is not only accepted, it is actually encouraged. I guess it’s not just about being in a different cultural environment but also the academic environment where one’s ability to challenge, critique, question, debate is highly valued; in fact it is core to your identity. I have said this before, I feel like a fish who has been united with water. All my natural tendencies of thought and expression that were stifled heretofore have found a fertile ground…and I see them blooming!
Today, I just happened to see some forward in an Indian WhatsApp group and shared my honest critical opinion. The response I got was to the effect of “Don’t want debate”! It suddenly transported me back to a time I had almost forgotten where debate and argument were seen as something bad and to be avoided in good company. It reminded me of my internalised guilt for daring to think critically and showing it… as if I was doing something immoral or wrong or unhealthy!
But it also reminded me how lucky I am… to have found a haven where I no longer need to pretend to be a diminished version of myself… I can let my mind soar freely in the realm of ideas…and give free rein to my voice…

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 6:32 am 0 comments
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