To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
~ Aristotle
Tuesday, June 02, 2020
 
I have been pondering over the question of 'personal' vs. 'impersonal' relationships. I am a bit wary of getting personal or friendly with people because I will then have to worry too much about outward appearances…or maintaining perception. When a relationship is on a purely transactional level, say you're a colleague or a housemate, you can be more direct, honest, straightforward... basically focus on the content. The trouble is that most relationships, like that of a housemate or colleague, if they extend over a period of time in close proximity, have a scope of flowing into the personal zone. This means that you cannot not care about the appearance or perception aspect or how the appearance of what you say may affect the other party. It's like once you know your audience well you can't help think about how your words might affect them; it's natural that you would think about the form or the perception of what you say as much as the content.

It seems to me, maybe because of my culture, I veer on the side of personalising relationships rather than not even though by way of my natural personality I am more of a content than appearance person or I believe in being direct, honest, straightforward etc. rather than diplomacy and superficiality (can’t do small talk for example). I guess to me where the personal aspect comes in is in the mutual regard or deeper affinity that I discover with a person rather than with a regard for appearances. What I'm trying to say is that even if I see the relationship in personal terms or even if I see the housemate or colleague as a friend, I would still want to retain honesty, straightforwardness etc. as the foundation of the relationship...rather than let appearances dictate my conduct with them. But, I find this sort of balance tough to maintain because people are inclined toward seeing the personal more as ‘nice and polite’ as opposed to ‘honest and direct’. Invariably I start to tiptoe around rather than hitting the point...worry more about how the communication will be received than what needs to be said...I become inauthentic so to speak.

Which might be one of the reasons I am quite wary of personalisation or friendships. I prefer the authenticity I can maintain in impersonal relationships to the inauthenticity I am forced into in personal relationships. If I get a sense that a potential relationship is likely to drag me into inauthenticity I don’t let it flow into the personal (which might make people see me as immune to personal feeling but that’s actually the opposite of the case!). In fact, I want to take the risk of personalisation only if I feel that there is some sort of deeper affinity or we cherish the same values of honesty and forthrightness or that I can be myself or be authentic without risking the relationship. It would be very precious to have something like that. But so rare…

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 10:27 pm 0 comments
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