To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
~ Aristotle
Saturday, August 29, 2020
 
These days I feel like I have two selves: the acting self and the observing self. This observing self is always looking on, tut tutting at my actions, showing me the mirror of my true motivations, questioning and criticising me, and in the process also shaping the arc of my future actions. The acting self seems to be far more spontaneous (relatively speaking since my dear readers know I am anything but spontaneous) but I mean spontaneous in the sense of being driven by something more instinctual and subconscious. I might say something boastful in the throes of a conversation for instance but later my observing self may chide me about my egoistic need for praise. Something like that happened today when my observing self asked me about the motivation for some of my actions. I thought I was doing them to be genuinely helpful but when these actions weren't acknowledged I felt a bit sad. My observing self asked me why I felt sad if all I wanted was to help? Perhaps I also wanted to be seen or acknowledged as helpful or wanted recognition for it but when it wasn't forthcoming my emotions sort of gave away my inner desire. My acting self wasn’t conscious of this desire but my observing self, looking upon my actions, made me conscious of them. That's what I meant by showing me the mirror to what is inside me. 

I wish to depend less on external rewards/reinforcements for my actions, act less for perception sake and more for authentic expression so it bothers me when that does not seem to be the case. I guess it's not that I am not acting authentically—not at all—helping people in the way I do is my authentic expression but what I can't get rid of is the expectation of acknowledgement. When the acknowledgement doesn't come it's not that I am sad because I failed to create a perception but it's more about…was this action meaningful at all to anyone? Was it even needed... or appreciated? Again, point is it shouldn't matter to me if it was needed or appreciated if it's driven by my internal desire to do what I believe needs doing or what I feel I must do... that is where I get stuck. To act and leave it at that seems difficult. As they say in Hindi "Naiki kar darya mein daal" or "do good and cast it in the river"...I wish it was easy.

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 6:54 am 0 comments
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