Yesterday my mom made what we call warn in Konkani (rice pudding with jaggery, cashew nuts, raisins). The warn was yummy but I couldn't help tell mom that it didn't have enough nuts. She knows I love cashews in the warn so I was disappointed to find few. I have a theory about why she puts few but that's for another post. Here I am thinking about something else prompted by my resolution to incorporate more kindness into my way of being and doing. I guess the only way I can become more kind is in the doing of it rather than in my head or by writing about it.

This interaction with mom seemed to me an example of how I tend to point out things that are not good enough or missing while not verbalizing how much I appreciate the main thing or the things that are actually there. I think culturally it would sound really odd if I thanked my mom for the warn or anything else she did for me. It would seem too stiff and formal, as if she was a stranger and not my mother who'd always cooked for me and whom we appreciated without really using words to that effect. But in the absence of those appreciative words which we never spoke, pointing out what could be better almost seems like I don't appreciate her enough. Probably a mother doesn't really need to be told how you feel. But it made me think about my general tendency to not expressly appreciate the good things but pick out the thing that is missing or that could be improved.

Being a perfectionist, it comes naturally to me to focus on improvement, be it for myself or others. But I am wondering how I could change this focus in personal contexts where it’s more about nurturing the relationship rather than improving something, products, processes, etc. Maybe I need to consciously refocus and ask myself how I want the other person to feel. What could I say or do to make them actually feel that way? How could I show them how I feel about them or what I appreciate about them? What would I gain by talking about improvement and what would I lose if I simply enjoyed the interaction or appreciated their gestures or efforts? It's hard to change one's natural way of being and engaging, and people also usually know where you are coming from if they know you well enough, but I feel it’s worth thinking about the few things I could do differently to be more of the person I would like to be…