Some time ago I was in a group situation with 5-6 other people where we all had to do a certain activity for the purpose of a discussion. Initially when 1-2 people did not do the activity, I brought it up. I felt that it did not allow us to have a meaningful discussion. I did not like having to bring it up because obviously no one likes to be ‘that guy’ but none of the others seemed to care to raise it. I am very deeply moved by questions of fairness and justice, and one of the things that motivated me to bring it up is the question of why anyone should do the activity if it’s okay for 1-2 people to not do it and get away with it? Those 1-2 people muttered some reasons for not being able to do the activity, but then again, what about the rest of us who struggled to stay up late or worked over the weekends to do it…? I just brought it up and didn’t push the matter further when they generally muttered some reasons. I thought it would discourage them from short-cutting in the future. But after a gap of few weeks, it turns out that the same 1-2 people were back at it. I actually like one of them, but it doesn’t make this irresponsible attitude any less annoying to me. This time, however, I reflected about my own feelings and stance towards all this and decided that I am going to keep quiet.

It’s not just because I don’t want to be the bad guy—though part of my reflection is about how the people who are more responsible paradoxically get the blame for being the bad guy. Sometimes I feel that if God had made me more happy-go-lucky, more laidback, more lax, more relaxed, more indisciplined, more irresponsible, less intellectually rigorous… that would have made me a more ‘popular’ person. Such a person is given a lot of leeway, a lot of benefit of doubt, a lot of rope, a lot of consideration… but funnily, if you are responsible, disciplined, committed, care about what you do, go the distance, you will be measured against a stricter standard! Or even a different invisible standard! Increasingly I feel like I cannot fight with the way of this world. And what am I to gain by fighting against it…? I lose a lot of energy, I lose a lot of emotion… and I lose my own motivation. I even start questioning if I am a good person?! Which seems like the height of the irony to me really! That people who are actually conscientious and push themselves to keep commitments have to feel this way… I mean, it would be something if people at least appreciated you for it. It would seem worth all the trouble for at least that reason. But without it, it just sometimes seems like a world I’d rather not have anything to do with… but that’s not possible so I have to find a way that works for me, that does not take too much energy out of me, too much emotion out of me, too much of my spirit out of me. If someone were to meet me where I am, I will care… But otherwise, I will let go…

When I met with the group this time, I did not bring up the fact that others hadn’t done the activity. Not surprisingly, more people hadn’t done it this time round. I did my thing and that’s what mattered to me. I had learnt something in the process of that and I had learnt something in reflecting from that. I had earned something, and I decided to focus only on that. I had also earned peace this way. And there’s a lot to be said for that…