An annoying exchange happened while I was at Manchester airport on the way back from Copenhagen. I do not have to tell you that I am a highly anxious and highly strung person when I am not in my comfort zone. And if there is one place that's the very opposite of my comfort zone, it is the airport. Everything about the airport, from all the random rules and regulations, to the arbitrary checks and scrutinies particularly for nationalities like mine, to the new technologies introduced that make things only more complicated than they have to be, long queues and waits,... everything really makes me a nervous wreck. But for all that, I was quite happy to finally be in this queue to finish up the border control procedures at Manchester airport before heading homewards. There was this young Indian couple right ahead of me. The woman went to the booth first. The guy was standing there for his turn. An official at a booth farther away waved to the guy to come forward. He didn't seem to notice so I said to him that he was being called. As his back was facing me, it was unlikely he heard me. So I had to tap his backpack and tell him. It's quite possible my voice was hurried or urgent which to me seems perfectly natural in a situation like this. He looked around with a sour expression and as he walked away to that booth, said to me in a very condescending tone and gesture: 'chill', 'relax'. I was completely thrown away by this utterly unexpected and unkind remark, and looked behind me at the Chinese lady who must have witnessed all this. She too shared my bemusement. I couldn't help overthink my own actions all the way back—what had I done wrong? It seems to me the chap should have actually thanked me for drawing his attention. I didn't really need to. My expression and tone might have been hurried because I was seeing the official waving at us, but it certainly wasn't rude. 

I know I should just ignore the whole thing because it does not deserve my headspace. But being the sensitive person I am, whenever I am made to feel guilty, I cannot help reflect on whether I merit the charge in some way. I know I am neither a 'relaxed' nor a 'chill' sort of person by constitution. A lot of things that come very easily to most people require a tremendous amount of energy, effort, and struggle from me (and there are some things that come very easily to me that many others might consider difficult). I try to do what I can to do my difficult things. Mostly I try to do them without help because very few will understand my difficulties. Like going into a restaurant with a very different food ordering and catering system. Sounds like 'no big deal', right? Well, it is for me! Obviously, that makes me very unrelaxed and unchill in my head in certain situations that are par for the course for most. I try as much as I can to not transfer my anxieties to others. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I am too overwhelmed. Which is why when someone says something like this, it can hurt on many levels... Like I have failed in spite of all the hidden work...

I'm sure the balanced part of my brain will kick in soon and I will be back to embracing the totally unrelaxed, unchill person that I am. I'd rather be too much rather than too little or chill any day ;)

I went to see this attraction called 'The Little Mermaid' out here in Copenhagen. Reading the online description, a smallish sculpture of a womanly figure on a rock in the water facing the promenade, I knew it wasn't something I was particularly keen on. There are many things I am not fascinated by that people seem to be. But there is always this pressure to like what they like, do what they do. I was asked by different friends if I had been to see the little mermaid. You can't tell them, no, I haven't, because I don't really feel that excited about it. Instead, you have to at least pretend to want to see it. You know, because everybody does? Because how can you know beforehand you won't enjoy it? Because that's a major sightseeing spot? etc. That's what they'll tell you.

Sometimes I feel like a spectator watching a show when I am around hordes of people. Like an alien from another planet. I see all these performances, displays, tricks, games, fakeries, masks... People at the little mermaid were busy taking photos, selfies, so on. It was so crowded with tourists, all of them trying to do the same thing. I did too. I was there for the express purpose of showing people I visited it ;) I had ticked the box! And that made me think about how much of our lives are spent ticking boxes for other people. We get so used to it that perhaps we don't even know anymore, what is it that ticks my box? It's hard to live a life doing things that tick your own unique boxes because people will always make you feel like you are ‘missing out’ if you aren't ticking theirs, if you are following your own drumbeat so to speak... But it is still worth it, compared to the alternative, I’d think.

I am in Copenhagen for a work conference. Travelling is one of those things that is most disruptive to my routines. And yet there is something about some types of travel that I love. Something that sometimes compensates for all the trouble. I suppose there is a sense of experiencing another world, another life, another way of being, an-other whom I would never ordinarily meet...

One of the things I have found very striking—and perhaps need to find out why it is so—is people in Copenhagen speak English almost as if it’s a first language. For a traveller that makes many things pretty simple.

Some moments...

I asked the coordinator person at the airport train station which station might be close to such and such hotel. He says, "I stay at home, not at a hotel, I will need to check on the phone." He was quite matter of fact and not rude. I found his answer quite dry and funny actually (though unlike a British person who might have been deliberately doing dry humour, his face suggested he was just stating facts... hehe)

I pressed a button to a level on the lift to get a change of train. I had my suitcase with me and was on my way to my hotel. As I started moving out of the lift, one lady called after me that this wasn't the street level. I told her I had to get another train. I thought that was nice of her to go out of her way to stop me from getting off at the wrong floor?!

I was getting myself some lunch at the conference centre. The young person at the counter asked me if I wanted the Danish cake. I was eyeing it quite a bit because it was unusual­—brown, round shaped, rolled in sesame type sprinkles. She said it had rum. I decided not to go for it. I went for the large cookie instead. She wrapped it in a small paper cover. The cover looked thin. I asked if I could get another cover (just in case I needed to put it in my bag). She said you'll have to pay for it. Then suddenly said she was joking... took me by surprise!

Another one in a bakery (yes, I have been walking into any and every bakery I can lay my eyes on ;)). I saw very very huge bees circling some of the Danish pastries in this shop. I couldn't help point out to the person at the counter. She said honeybees are common over here. Then she said I shouldn't worry as she was giving me the croissant from a covered area behind the counter. I was still a little confused by the bee image ;)

The cardamom croissant I got had a subtle bitter aftertaste. I also had a mandarin flavoured ice cream which turned out to be bitter. I chose the flavour because I expected tangy sour stuff. I wasn't told it would be bitter. Who expects any ice cream flavour to be bitter?! :( Kind of made me think of how different cultures have their own unique flavour profile...

I treated you

Like a cup

The one

I use

For tea

Every day

How I love it

Or I wouldn't

Call upon it

For the best ritual

Of my day

But

Would it know?

Being used and rinsed

Morning after morning

As if

It was nothing

But a usable

Thing

It perhaps

Could never tell

The place

It holds

How its

Delicate, fragile, lovely

Contours

Cradled warmly

Brightened

My soul

Now

I behold you

Like the

Sacred statue

Up there

Atop a pedestal

Not to be

Called upon

Unless

To pray

Or worship

Ask for

Divine guidance

Not

As often

Or without

Grand occasion

As my

Favourite cup

And then too

I tremble

At a

Distance

Approach

Gingerly

Almost

Fearfully

What if

Some wayward

Word

Or gesture

Arouse

Your ire

Or worse still

Turn you

Away...  

~Me

I was just reading this story about a man who survived the Titanic, was asked to amputate his leg because he had a frostbite from the icy water, refused it, and went on to become a world tennis champion. I am amazed not just at the resilience and grit to survive and achieve success from such a difficult point but also struck by the confidence or faith or whatever it was that made him refuse the amputation. The risk involved in refusing what might have been an expert opinion to simply trust his own intuition or gut. I feel immensely inspired by this especially at this moment when I am reflecting on my own very low tolerance of risk and uncertainty... and how that causes tremendous anxiety for me whenever I am put in a situation where I have to make a decision that could be potentially risky. But when I look back on my life, I also feel I have actually made many decisions that most people would think are very risky. Such as the decision to leave everything... job, emotional bonds, support systems, stability, familiarity... all the things that ground me fundamentally... to come here where I had nothing and no one.

I am not at all what might be called an adventurous person who gets a kick out of the unknown. I'll take the known every day of my life and I will not be bored. And yet I took the risk to give up all that I know at one point... though I did not have to. So there must be something more in me. It is not that I do not take risks or do not venture into uncertainty. But perhaps it's natural to feel this tremendous turmoil given how much I like stabilities and certainties. It was not easy to make that decision then though I have forgotten just how difficult it was. And it is not easy to make these kinds of decisions now. It is perhaps my subconscious or intuition working out everything, weighing up pros and cons, pushing through all possibilities to see future outcomes... It takes a toll. Maybe it's a good thing too compared to simply jumping in headfirst without making any calculations...

So folks, I don't want to keep you on a cliffhanger ;) The story since my last post has undergone some dramatic twists and turns with resolution still not in the clear. Suffice to say that I might be back in business, or in 'the house'. Or I might not! The funny thing is that having once been made to accept that I will not have 'the house', the possibility of it actually working out either way now is something I am finding much easier to digest. Once having made peace with the fact that it's definitely not to be, I am facing the possibility of it materializing (or not) with a lot more equanimity. I suppose a big part of it is that I am a 'worst case scenario' person. Unlike other people who look at the best possibilities in any situation, I hope for the best but always keep the worst in mind. I have to admit that with 'the house' thing I had become lulled into hope. I had not expected the worst. When I got the news, I started getting to grips with what it meant the whole entire day. I even thought that the very fact I wanted it so much should have been indication enough that I wasn't going to... I came to a painful kind of acceptance, maybe even a cynical one, that anything that looked too good to be true was probably so in my case. When the very next morning I got another news that maybe it was going to happen after all... imagine the roller coaster of feelings! But... there was a big difference. In the space of that one day, the hopeful enthusiastic me was gone. Things are still up in the air now. But I am okay if it happens, okay if not.

Practically speaking, I am going to shift someplace temporarily even while 'the house' situation works itself out. Not my favourite situation to be in and one I have been trying my darndest to avoid. Let's hope it all ends well ;)

Still in a bit of a shock as I write this. I generally tend to think of all the worst possible outcomes in a situation, but you know what, fate is way more unpredictable and creative than I am. The worstest thing possible and the worstest time when it could be the worstiest of all, was something that I really didn't think of. And that's what happened with my 'house' situation. Not only can I no longer have the house—which by the way I had my heart set on and wasn't just a house—I also literally have to move house next week with no house to move to! Now take that, is what fate is saying I am sure! ;) People think I am joking when I say that things never ever happen smoothly for me. I know that that's how it is because of past patterns and therefore I plan for all sorts of obstacles. But this one has blown me off. Again! I have no backup plans. When I got the email that conveyed this news to me, my brain just went numb. One part of it was grappling with losing something that I thought was going to be my new dwelling for a while. I already loved it. In one of my recent posts I had mentioned how I am moving out of campus after 9 whole years! Another part of it was thinking through the practical stuff. Where am I to go next week? What are my options? I don't know at this point. I never 'go with the flow' but what do you do when you are pushed into the flow literally? At this level of turmoil, I almost feel calm…hehe!  Or maybe just frozen... like a deer caught in the headlights... As usual, I am trying to find the lesson in all this, trying to look for what God is trying to tell me, what sign is the universe giving me... maybe it will all make sense at some point in the future, wherever I am at then...

I met a local interior designer lady a few weeks back. I liked the idea of working with someone to do up the house. I immediately warmed up to her. I don't know what it is but people tend to make three kinds of first impressions on me: instant dislike, neutral, instant like. She fell into the third. It might be the quiet calm tranquil soothing energy. An intelligent introverted vibe if you will. And strangely, I become more vibrant around this type...hehe... My energy shifts the more comfortable I feel, I think.

It didn't take much for me to pour out all my ideas, plans, possibilities, etc to her. She wasn't charging me a bomb for her services so that was another reason I immediately went all in... We started talking budgets for the work to be done and that's when she threw me off. It sounded mind-blowing because my actual needs were rather basic. She said she'd come back with a budget closer to my needs. We parted with her saying her best friend was Indian. I mean, if I wasn't already quite pleased with her, that would have warmed me more...!

I went into this preamble because without it, it would be hard to understand how I feel. She didn’t respond to my message enquiring what was going on, after I waited more than a week for her to come back. Not even to say she was busy and would respond at a later time. If she’d just said she couldn’t work with me for whatever reason, I’d still respect the honesty. For some reason, it felt personal. The logical side of me figured that my budget was too small for it to be worth her time. But there was another part of me that wondered how I could have got her so wrong...? I mean, an 'instant like' is not just about the calm vibe but also a vibe that signals a person of good values. Someone I could trust. To simply disappear on me isn't what that looks like to me.

I had actually given up on her by now and started looking into the designing myself. The nagging feeling stayed though. How could somebody I instantly like turn out so unprofessional, so without good work ethic? Today she messaged a very vague one about being very busy, and gave me some random cost calculations etc. Even if it had happened to fit into my scheme of things, I could never work with her anymore. I suppose... and maybe I have said it before... in spite of being a very logical person, the decisions I make are driven by my emotions. I no longer feel the same.

Is the world becoming a really shitty place lately or does it just feel that way....? Everywhere there is doom and gloom... war, deaths, hate, bad leaders, fear, negativity, terror, job losses, depression, cost cuts... Nothing seems to be going well really no matter where you look. How do you even go about everyday stuff feeling any kind of hope for the future? I find it hard, to be honest... hard to think about tomorrow or look forward to tomorrow... I find it hard enough to get through today... sometimes they say it's best not to think about the whole mountain or life ahead... just take it one step at a time... One tries to do that as best one can... being the hyper-planner that I am though, I always have one foot on the next few steps... and the question arises now and again, for what?... When I think about moving into my new house (keeping aside challenges related to that for now), I find it hard to be excited in any way... it feels like old wine in a new bottle... the more things change, the more they stay the same... like monkeys we are distracted by shiny new things... but when you see things starkly and clearly... the distractions don't cut it... they don't reassure you about the fundamentals... I sometimes wonder if people see the irony or even the hypocrisy... what goes on at a large scale and how we mouth the usual platitudes of care at the micro level... how does one live really in the middle of all this? One feels lost and yet one must hold on tight to one's bearings... to not completely slip and fall...

I was pondering a bit more on why I have always been inspired by the quote ‘God is on the side not of the heavy battalions, but of the best shots.’ I think this goes with the fact that I have also always liked stories (real or fictional) where the underdog wins in the end. The individual who comes from nothing, has got nothing except his/her own talent to bank on, takes on the world and in a way fate itself... and wins. I admire resilience, grit, determination, perseverance, ambition, desire for excellence... and when all these wonderful qualities are rolled in one. I obviously want to see such people rewarded. And the idea that God Himself will reward those who push against all odds is very satisfying to me. I have seen enough of humans to place my trust in their judgement or discretion... but God, He surely can be trusted to make the good guys come out triumphant in the end? Or so I hope...

There is a story in the Mahabharata which has always saddened me. Now that I think about it, it must be because this story does not have the end that I like. Here is the story...

Dronacharya is a Guru, a teacher of royal princes. One of the skills he teaches is archery. He promises to make Arjuna, his best student at this skill, the greatest archer in the world. One day Dronacharya is teaching his students to take aim at a parrot in a tree. When he asks every student what they see, they respond with a whole lot of things in the scenery. Arjuna is the only one who sees only the eye of the parrot. A kid from the forest, Ekalavya, approaches the Guru at this point, and asks him to take him on as a student. Dronacharya refuses because Ekalavya is not a prince. Ekalavya takes a handful of mud from under the Guru's feet and walks away. Many years later when Dronacharya goes hunting with the princes with their hunting dog, the dog suddenly disappears from view, barking. Minutes later the dog's barking stops, and he comes back with his mouth closed with three arrows. It is a remarkable feat that Drona is aware even his best student, Arjuna, cannot accomplish. Ekalavya comes forward as the shooter of the arrows. When Drona asks him from whom he learnt such brilliant archery, Ekalavya tells him that it is he, Drona, from whom he learnt it. He refers to Drona as his Guru. Ekalavya mixed the mud from under Drona's feet with clay and made a statue out of it. He prayed and practiced in front of this statue. He attributed his skill to the Guru as he received inspiration and confidence from his likeness! To this, Drona, who has promised to make Arjuna the best archer in the world, asks Ekalavya if he would be willing to offer him 'guru-dakshina' (gift given to the Guru in return for teaching). Ekalavya does not hesitate to say that he would be honoured to do so. The Guru's acceptance of guru-dakshina would officially make him his Guru. Drona asks him for his right thumb, and Ekalavya gladly cuts it off. This means Ekalavya cannot practice archery anymore, but he does not seem to mind at all. All he cares about, as it seems, is to finally be recognized by his Guru!

----

I feel bad for Ekalavya. He should have gone on to do greater things. But instead he is tricked by the 'heavy battalions'. I suppose it makes me sad, even angry, that God was not on the side of the best shot...

‘God is on the side not of the heavy battalions, but of the best shots.’

—Voltaire

It may be pretty obvious to anyone reading my blog (or anyone who knows me well in person) that I thoroughly enjoy quotes or epigrams or short pithy sayings. They deliver an insight in a way that long paragraphs cannot. And because they do it so cleverly, I enjoy them quite a bit! I have had a hankering for them from childhood upwards. I used to note them down by hand on a sheet of paper whenever I came across one in a book I was reading or sections of newspapers devoted to literary matter. I had a file full of these papers (and still have them somewhere). Later of course, I started noting these in digital documents... now have a notepad on my phone for it ;)

A few days back, strangely and almost out of the blue, the quote by Voltaire I mentioned above popped into my head. It is one of the quotes I handwrote on paper way back then. I remember reading it several times over the years whenever I took out this file, which is why it's stuck in some corner of my brain. But I felt... I actually understood it only now! Now when I turned it in my head, its meaning flashed like a light (though arguably its meaning is open to many interpretations).

I am not at all sure as to what I made of the quote when I first came across it, why did I find it so intriguing even then, and why did I decide to jot it? Could it be that I did have the same insight into what it meant, however faintly, and with all these years having passed, I am seeing it again as something new? Could it be that my experiences in life are adding a new level of poignancy to the quote, more nuance if you will, which is why it feels like I am seeing it for the first time now, not that I did not have a vague sense of interpretation then? I certainly must have, or I wouldn’t have noted it because it wouldn’t have tickled me…  

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do,

we have come to our real work

and when we no longer know which way to go,

we have begun our real journey.

The mind that is not baffled is not employed.

The impeded stream is the one that sings.”

—Wendell Berry

When I was a kid, I used to have many arguments with my brother about very small things. Like for instance, there was this Bollywood song. A line in it goes, ‘tera pyaar hai ek sohnae ka pinjara oh shehzaadi’ (roughly translates to ‘your love is a golden cage oh princess’). That’s what I heard when I heard the song, but my brother heard ‘tera pyaar hai ek tohtae ka pinjara oh shehzaadi’ (which translates to ‘your love is a parrot’s cage oh princess’). We had a heated argument over which one of us was right, but there was no Google at the time. To figure out who between us was right was difficult. Asking other people usually led to more fights about who was siding with whom. It was never the end of the matter.

After Google and the internet more generally, I would imagine that these kinds of situations should be rare. And now with AI, there is no question to which we need trouble ourselves for an answer. Not just factual questions of the kind Google is good at but even highly contextual ones. It's mind-boggling the way AI or LLMs come up with stuff—and I will reserve another post for all the ways in which it has turned out to be surprisingly useful to me. But I wonder about what we are trading in exchange for this powerful crunching of knowledge in seconds? Efficient answers at our fingertips? Quick solutions to all knotty problems? What happens when we do not have to 'not know' anymore in what was at one point an arduous journey towards knowing or maybe never knowing? If Google had never arrived, maybe my brother and I would be forever unsettled on the point of whether it was 'sohnae' or 'tohtae'. Would that have been a good thing or a bad thing? Isn't there something in the process of working out uncertainty for ourselves, no matter how uncomfortable, that we grow in some way? We learn many things even if we do not learn the specific thing we want to know, and we put to use these learnings when we encounter a new problem or puzzle. What happens when we get the answers from outside all too easily, quickly, confidently, never really deeply grappling with the question inside ourselves? I wonder...

‘But your good opinion is rarely bestowed and therefore more worth the earning.’

—Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice)

Being able to say little white lies easily must make life so much simpler and pleasant, I imagine. Lies that don't really harm anyone but could benefit you because they create the right impression. If I said to someone that I think they are a good listener, it would certainly make them feel good, they might warm up to me more, and no harm done at all. In fact, that person might even start building their listening skills. But... this is not something I could or would do. If you ask me why, I can't give a very convincing answer I suppose. But I'll try. The main thing is that I am rationalizing something that is hard coded in me and not something I deliberately choose to do (or not to do). I very much wish I could make my life easier by simply saying nice little lies whenever the occasion seemed to call for it; no complications, no fuss, they love me, nobody gets hurt, everybody's happy. But I can't…

I suppose my orientation comes from a compelling desire for authenticity. A sense of inauthenticity is so deeply uncomfortable to me that any other gains could not compensate for it. It is not a question of whether small lies make things easy or benefit me or make someone else feel warmer towards me or anything like that. It only comes down to a question of whether what I am saying matches what I really believe or how I really feel. If I do not feel someone is a good listener, I cannot bring myself to say it. While on the face of it there is no harm, to me making someone believe what I do not believe to be true is intrinsically harmful. Of course, I try my best not to say something that could potentially hurt another person without serving any purpose. I wouldn’t tell someone they are not a good listener—unless they specifically asked me. If they did, I’d have to say it. Another example: if a boss asked me if I enjoyed working with numbers and if this question was important for a bigger role, maybe the boss himself just wants me to agree because it's not that big a deal, I could still not go along. I will have to say the truth even if it means I lose something, or the other person will like me a little less for it. I do know that I have lost sometimes, and people have liked me less sometimes, for sticking to my truth. But I have always felt, on reflection, that those things or people were not meant for me. If instead of appreciating my honesty and authenticity, they penalized me for it, they did not deserve what I brought to the equation.

One person once called me ‘naïve’ after an event because I guess they thought I was unaware my honest response would go against me. I knew it perfectly well but that didn’t mean I could do anything about it. What’s the point of getting something in the short term at the cost of losing who you are? Funny thing is, this person who called me ‘naïve’ seemed to think that by favouring others who could have lied to get what they want he was being smarter, than by choosing someone who didn’t. Tell me who’s naïve? ;) I believe it’s this tendency to reward smooth lies that gets people in places for which they have no competence. And these people continue to lie their way through because that’s the only way they can survive. There is an excellent phrase that captures exactly this: ‘fake it till you make it’!

I'm going to let the cat out of the bag. This 'investment' I hinted at a few blog posts earlier. It is top of my mind now and most likely will be for a bit. I am moving into a new house shortly or so I hope. It's been—unbelievably!—almost 9 years since I have lived on the university campus. Most of it as a student but still... You folks who already have a very good idea about my feelings regarding change might have astutely guessed that I am more nervous/anxious than excited at the prospect of moving out. The very fact that I was plonked in this one location for this long (if you keep aside my eclectic international forays ;)) should suggest my love of rootedness. I was literally forced to take this long overdue step... though for a few years now I felt I needed to make it. Come to think of it, many of my movements have happened when I have been pushed in some way. I love my comfort zone and God knows that... that's why He takes matters into His own hands I think... hehe...

Well, it's the first time in all my life that I am going to actually live in a house that I have bought. It's a funny thing but I feel that as I have grown older, I have become less and less enamoured by the things I would have thought worth aspiring to when I was much younger. Now material possessions don't have as much of an aspirational value for me. I am inclined towards whatever makes me comfortable and peaceful nowadays. More possessions usually mean... more burden. With the new house, I am hoping a bit of temporary discomfort and disturbance will eventually lead the way to comfort and peace. However, I do not look forward to the next few months at all…

One big trouble is, as I said in my earlier post, unlike in India (I mean Mumbai) people seem to love to do everything by themselves over here. Every time I am asked if I am going to do the painting of the house myself, I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry? I mean, do they not know me at all? the very idea? I wouldn't know where to even start?! I don't have a concept of painting a wall, you know? That’s a specialist job in Mumbai. I wouldn’t do painting just like I wouldn’t wake up one day and drive a bus. It’s a skill in its own category is what I would have thought, but apparently not over here. Anybody could do it by the looks of it, the way anybody could take out the bin. A few days ago, I joined a colleague on a trip to a carpet place. We don’t do carpets in Mumbai either. I kind of liked the idea of going to such a place though. It felt a bit quaint, and I like quaint. My eyes glazed over when the carpet guy started talking square metres. I have no concept of square metres either :( He seemed to like explaining technical stuff and at one point he was explaining different kinds of carpet fibres with an analogy about him and his current wife, and him and his ex-wife. No kidding!

Recently I read this therapist's advice to a person who said they don't have the will or energy to make a sandwich. The therapist asked them why they don’t just eat the meat, veggies, bread etc that would have gone into the sandwich instead. It would do the same job. Why did they have to do what everyone else was doing ‘normally’? Another example was of someone who found it hard to shower with the lights on because of body image issues. The answer was why they don't switch the lights off. Why do you have to do something a certain way because everyone does it that way, or that’s the way for some arbitrary reason it is supposed to be done? Why not do it in a way that works for you (and doesn’t hurt anyone else)? Why not do what feels comfortable, satisfying, doable to you?

I have to say that this advice resonates with me a lot. Until just a year or so ago, I feel like I was hanging on a lot more to my ideas of how things need to be done. Taking it easy made me feel guilty, like I was slipping up on some unstated standard. I do believe it's good that I have this strong sense of discipline that makes me push through things even when I am not feeling it or when I am not that motivated. It stands me in good stead in areas such as my writing. However, in other areas I want to give myself a lot more grace, I should say. I want to be kinder to myself, say when it comes to cooking or cleaning. I want to do what feels comfortable or doable. I don’t want to feel like I am letting go of discipline but rather that not all things demand that kind of discipline. Nor do they need to be done a certain way because that’s how it’s always been done, or everybody does it that way. It’s okay to go easy, to just be sometimes. To give an example, I do not like wasting food at all. It's something I have learnt from childhood where we didn't really have abundance. It's sort of stuck on. But there are occasions when it's kinder to myself to throw out something than to force myself to consume it, or to have food from outside than to cook. That's the balance I try to maintain where I am not being completely thoughtless about buying/wasting, but not so hung up about it that it sucks the joy out of my everyday life. I try to make space for what feels more comfortable and easier at times... It takes some getting used to. But feels good to give yourself permission to not make everything a target you have got to achieve :)

So I went to get my veg biryani yesterday as per usual at the market. Last Saturday it was again sold out before I got there, so the chap asked me if I wanted to try their Chicken wrap. Apparently it was very popular. I figured no harm trying, who knows I might discover something I like? The chap asked me to report back next time. I didn't expect him to remember. He must have a lot of customers I'm sure. But probably not that many Indians in this town? When I asked for the biryani, he asked me how I liked the wrap last time. I had mentally rehearsed that if he should ask this question I won't say I didn't like it—instead I said I preferred the biryani ;) I did not like the wrap at all actually. The chap said, it's more a 'gore-waala' taste. 'Gore' means 'white' in Hindi (or in Urdu). The wrap was more to white folks' taste was what he meant. I guess I was looking for what tasted like Indian food and the wrap tasted like... not Indian nor anything I could pretend to like... so I was back to the familiar, tried, and tested!

On the matter of me blurting things out honestly. I wish I could pause for a second between what pops in my head and what comes out of my mouth. It's usually too late by the time I have heard it myself. The other day I was standing in a queue at this Subway. There was this young Indian guy right ahead of me. Normally people don't make conversations at these queues (thank God!). I had my earphones on as well, as usual. The guy smiled politely at me and asked if I was a lecturer. I had to get one earphone out and say that yes, I was. He asked, ‘what did I teach’. I got the other earphone out this time, and told him. Then he said he was studying software engineering, and he didn't suppose there was something in common… or something to that effect. Meaning being if I might be teaching something in his course. I don't know why or how I just came out with: 'I don't think we have anything in common'! I wanted to say the disciplines were very different or didn’t have anything in common, but the actual words must have sounded rather personally offhandish and standoffish. The guy just looked straight ahead after that and didn't say a word. I felt mortified but then thought saying anything more could make a bad situation worse—not to mention the side-effect of inviting more conversation! It was only going to be more awkward because I had already spent 2-3 minutes thinking through all this instead of spontaneously correctly myself! I just quietly went along with the queue after that and got my order. Maybe it was the suddenness of being in a small talk situation when I least expected it that got all my brain wires tangled up and words muddled... oh well, that’s just me :(