Drip, drip, drip. Repetitive sounds annoy me. Why so many plumbing problems, I think to myself. That too just days before my big trip. Big trips make me anxious. Planning, organising, anticipating, disruption × 10. I could have done with a little peace. Seeing as this year's been a roller coaster, a stop before another ride would have helped. But it's not to be. How do I make this sound stop, I think to myself. I found a way. Put the plastic dish-washing thing on a sponge in the sink and the tap drip does not hit with a sound. Relief. But I still have to solve this problem. Must it have to happen now...? Well, let me call a different plumber. I must test out a few frogs before I find the prince. Wait, I don't need to worry about the sound now I am leaving for work. Funnily I recall the old philosophical problem. When water drips in the sink and no one's there to hear it, does it make a sound? Clearly not!

Here I thought I was having it bad with the dripping and the tripping... now I feel emotionally numb on top of it. What was it Shakespeare said about troubles not coming singly but in battalions... It's a good thing that most people can carry on carrying on without stopping to ask existential questions. I wish I could wake up, brush my teeth, eat my breakfast, go for work... etc on autopilot mode. Not reflect too much on the whys and wherefores. I don't remember much of the process of brushing or bathing because I am so immersed in thought. I forget if I really washed my face sometimes and do it again. No harm doing it twice, is there? Someone said on Facebook the other day that she brushes with her left hand to be more intentionally focused on brushing. Wow! I don't know about that... if the brush grazes my teeth for enough time with no recollection from me, did they really get brushed...? Yes, I think...?

I am in China now. Settling in slowly, setting up my routines. Having been here before, my body seems to know its way around. There is no anxiety that comes from the complete unknown. Immediately, I encounter the natural helpfulness/kindliness of people. Not effortful or studied or appearances sake. My stuff left last year is stored by the property management run by mostly women. I message this lady if she could bring it to my flat for me. Trying my luck. She's there at my door. Barely an hour later. With three bulky boxes. I compare my interactions with people in the UK. There is a transactional quality to them that leaves me very cold sometimes. Like if you showed a human heart, it'd be blasphemy, an imposition. Must be as detached as you can, never exceed your boundaries. Which is why sometimes when something overflows, it touches me. The chap who finally came to fix the sink blockage (yes, the tap dripping was followed by yet another problem!) at home was an elderly man who found the door access system too technical for him. But he knew his own stuff. I was so thankful when he fixed the sink thing. When I paid him in cash, he took it and kissed my hand. It shocked me for a second but in a good way. It felt comfortingly human…

There's a heaviness in my heart. I don't know how to carry on. How to do all the everyday things, pretend they matter, go about the motions of life, like they are leading somewhere, pretend some joy in them? I look around me at people and wonder how they do it. How they go about life so easily, so happily. Don't they feel this heaviness sometimes, this wanting to just pause, to lay down, to cry...

I find it very hard to connect to people in general. It is a very very rare thing for me to make a connection. I don't even expect it to happen because it would be a miracle and miracles don't just happen. And yet, I count it among the best blessings in my life to have made one that was beyond what I could have ever asked for or hoped for. When it is something so precious, you want to hold onto it forever. And so I did. Deep down though, even as I found it, I always had this sense of time ticking. The patterns in my life gave me an intuition that it was just a matter of time. God had sent me this blessing when I most wanted it... but He would take it away... as he has always done, someday not too far. A part of me held this painful knowledge never wanting to confront it. Because I knew I couldn't do anything about it. All I could do is to hold the precious gift as delicately and tightly as possible. I feel sad that I did not always do that. It is easy to forget when you have something, to take it for granted... and so I did. Though I want to tell myself that I appreciated and honoured it too. I never lost sight of what a gift it was to me... there is this saying that I love and hate at the same time... when the student is ready, the teacher appears... when the student is truly ready, the teacher disappears... I hated this quote because it expressed what I really feared... that my gift would be gone someday... And I fear it has... my heart feels tremendously heavy at the thought of it... because the truth is I will never be truly ready to lose something so very precious... something that comes so rarely to me...but it wouldn't know...

As I was trying to find bits of energy to carry on, just to keep going, even if without much will or hope, there was a severe blockage in my kitchen sink... anything else I could have ignored but there is just one workable kitchen sink that needs to work... with me living in my own house, the responsibility is greater...it felt like when I could just not bear to feel anything but the deep sadness gripping me, I had to force myself to deal with this practicality... it made me want to drop everything and run... but it also made me see that if an issue with the sink could force my attention so much, how must it be if there was an issue with health? How much more terrible it would be if I had to be forced to deal with a painful tooth or a blocked gut...? A dear friend said to me recently that it helps to reframe a situation when something seems very dire... my reframing it this way helped me see how difficult it must be for someone who must deal with both internal health constraints and external worries... it also made me think about my own privilege to be able to freely wallow in sorrow without having to force my attention on survival or bodily emergencies... maybe we never realise how lucky we are with what we have until we aren't...

It was love at first sight. I felt it the moment I saw you. I knew that instant you were meant to be mine. I did everything in my power to bring us together. I almost lost you once. I wondered if it was not to be after all. If it was all but a dream. Too good to be true. But when all my hopes were almost dashed, they were renewed once again. Was it to be after all...? I have been on tenterhooks these last few months. Wondering, waiting, moping, hoping... And now, finally, at long last, here we are... united! I love you now as much as I did that first moment. When I knew deep down we were perfect for each other. I knew you would be everything I wanted. And I was right!

Dear reader, I speak of my house! ;) I am finally HERE! There were more turns and twists, ups and downs, since my last update on this matter. But, as I say quite often, all's well that ends well :) I have a ton of reflections coming from the experience of living in a house of my own and they'll be coming up by and by...

For now, I am preparing for 'that time of the year'. Yes, my China visit looms very very close. I am glad everything's clicked into place at the right time... and I have my dearest to get back to… hehe!

This article I was reading had the following two quotes which amused me and made me ponder:

“When you don’t watch television for a long time, your way of thinking becomes different, your idea of what is interesting is not the same as what television people think should be interesting.” (Tran, 2001:7)

“the common factor to all 20th-century lunatics and serial killers, from Stalin to Lee Harvey Oswald, was this: they didn’t watch enough telly” (Scott, 1999:17).

The article isn’t that old, but it would seem to be, given the rate at which technologies are changing. We don’t set as much store by the ‘television’ anymore I guess, since the arrival of Netflix and smart phones. Entertainment has moved elsewhere. Technically Netflix could be called television as you might be watching it on the television screen, but I guess what these quotes are referring to is something different. A ‘television culture’ as it were, which is produced by most people watching the same shows at the same times. It gave everyone’s life a common context so to speak. If you aren’t watching it, then it’s almost like you do not even live in the same world, even though you do. Sort of reminds me how in India at one point we had a lot of television based on the Indian epics: Ramayana, Mahabharata, etc. Everything revolved around them, people spoke of nothing else!

It’s not the same anymore with Netflix. Each person chooses what they want to watch for themselves. And many probably just choose to browse social media or do games on their smart phones. Of course, you could still end up watching the same popular shows on Netflix or other streaming services as your friends… but I think it’s still not the same? Unlike earlier when people who all watched television shared a common context or inhabited a similar world which was distinct from those who didn’t, now everyone inhabits their own unique world, a world in which what they consume in terms of media or stories or knowledge or news or entertainment is all very different from the next person. It sort of makes me wonder what that means from a social perspective…? 

I wrote this when I was having a dramatic moment. I have since calmed down ;)

----

There is this quote which a friend shared with me ages ago. We were in college then. But I still remember it: 'It is easy to die for a friend but it is hard to find a friend worth dying for'. Time and again when I have felt someone was worth pushing myself out of my comfort zone for, putting myself out there for, going out on a limb for, I have done it. Only to realise I shouldn't have bothered. There are many things that come easy to people that take a whole lot more out of me. If they truly are a friend, I would want them to notice the humungous effort, the deliberate intention, the depth of emotion, underlying affection, the anxiety and vulnerability, everything that goes into my being there for them. Mostly they don't. That's when I wonder why bother. I rarely want to take such troubles now. One could argue you can't say until you do. That's true perhaps. But the disappointment is too much. It hurts too much. Cynicism has its uses. It protects you in a way. When you have accepted nothing is worth it and there's no point really, you can move on. Focus on the things that are rewarding. That won't let you down. People on the other hand? They will. Time and time again. They have no clue what it takes for you to show up. So when you do, you will wonder why you even bothered. The tom, dick, and harry would have done for them as well. Very well it would seem. That's what they'll make you feel. So why bother?

'No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he is not the same man' ~ Heraclitus

Most of my life we lived on this one lane in Mumbai. It's a lane in a pretty affluent neighbourhood of Mumbai, well connected to everything, close to the famous Juhu beach dotted with a lot of Bollywood residences. We moved houses about twice much later but both times on the same lane. Back and forth literally. The experience of being not well off in such a well-off locality must have had a unique impact on me come to think of it—but let me reflect on that another day. Why I mention this lane now is because I have been feeling this wave of nostalgia for it... a deep desire to be back there as we were back then in some of the happy times...

And then I remembered this quote. I remembered that when I passed this lane just this December when I was in Mumbai, I could barely recognize it. I could barely recognize most places in Mumbai, but this one is special. I grew up on this lane. But it was just so different. So dusty, so dirty, so unkempt, so rundown, all sorts of carts and rubbish spilling into the street... so out of sorts really. It used to be a posh part of the city like I said earlier but now it had become an old part. Many new high rises and swanky places have come up whereas this lane got forgotten it would seem. Or... is it me who has changed? Who is seeing it with different, with a world traveller's eyes?

The lane I was longing for was not there anymore... even the 'I' I was picturing living on that lane wasn't there anymore. They were both in the past. Alive only in my and most likely my family members' memories. But even our memories I imagine recall a very different lane even though they are the same... These thoughts only made me miss my lane more because there was no way to go back... even if I did.

I was getting a take-away pizza on my way home on Friday evening. The server had an extra package on top of the pizza box. When I looked at him quizzically, he said it's a 'croissant on the house'. And that made me happy... hehe! I don't know where I get this from. It could be a middle-class Indian thing? Or could be the scarcity mindset I grew up in? Maybe both compounded? But anything 'for free' is guaranteed to make me happy. If it comes right out of the blue, then even more so. If it's something I like or could use, even more so. But even if it's not particularly my thing, a free thing is a free thing. It will still give me a boost ;)

I have wondered about this because... there was a time I couldn't afford the simple pleasures of life. It made sense then that I would feel happy to get stuff that I (or my family) might not have extra money to spend on. But now that's not the case. So, I am not really sure why? It kind of makes me realise how much our early experiences count, how much of a weight they have even much later in our lives... When I was walking about M&S recently, I suddenly reflected that now if I was choosing to not buy something, it was for all kinds of reasons but never because it was too expensive. I mean, even if I thought to myself something was too expensive, it wasn't that I couldn't afford to buy it. I just felt it wasn't worth buying. And when I thought about this, I stopped to savour this feeling. A feeling that nothing in this shop was inaccessible to me. I could buy whatever my heart desired. I wanted to feel the feeling really. It felt quite luxurious. Quite lush. This is what people born into money or even comfort might have been feeling from their childhood years? They never had to earn this feeling. I wonder how different their orientation to life must be? I doubt they feel a rush of delight when they get something for free?

But I don't let these thoughts run away with me. My early years have taught me to be careful with money, to be prudent, to save, to not waste stuff, etc... Sometimes I find it hard to figure out what the balance is because I have never really lived in a balanced state, if you know what I mean? I do not want to spend too much but nor do I want to spend too little. That's why I decided to treat myself to a pizza on Friday evening. And when I got the croissant, I knew I made the right choice ;)

My go-to genre on Netflix is murder mysteries. Not the gory or graphic sort. Ones that engage your brain cells really. The whodunits without all the blood but plenty of complex twists. I have long come to the conclusion that the Brit stuff is the best in this as well as many other categories, like the period pieces, documentaries, etc. The cerebral quotient is high, acting very natural, dialogue smooth, just enough restrained emotion, not too warm/not too cold, the plot is logical, and so much else. The Italian/Spanish ones are a bit over the top/all over the place on all these counts... they don't keep the focus where it needs to be. The Scandinavian/Nordic the opposite, if that makes sense. Too clinical, too devoid of emotion, too lacking in warmth, in the human... which is what motivates my interest even though subtly. I remember once starting one of these Nordic shows and barely a few minutes in, this woman was ready to chop a chap laid on the table as if it was a sack of potatoes. With zero expression on the face. I was out, in a hurry :( The French ones are probably closer to the Brit, if I had to choose. German seems somewhere in the middle of French and Scandinavian/Nordic. A bit too uptight and cold for my liking. American... hmm... not high on cerebral, acting artificial, too unrestrained, thin plot, hollow dialogue, very random illogical twists. Rarely holds my interest very long. [exceptions obviously exist in all these languages].

Closer home, I feel the quality of crime drama in Bollywood is improving but it's a rare gem here and there. The staple is still pretty boringly predictable. Too contrived. If I know there's a good one, I do want to watch it... but there's an added complication. I am unable to be as detached as when I watch any other language shows. I have to say that I am actually very easily frightened. It's a bit of a tension between me loving a good mystery and me being put off by even the idea of violent action. With the Indian stuff, my heightened emotional involvement makes the experience very uncomfortable if the show tries to be too real. So chances are I will avoid it, unless I am watching with company.

Makes one think about how different cultural systems - different human expressions – different languages - different audience orientations capture the complexity of crime and its resolution in creative form... and all this of course from my subjective perspective which itself is oriented to appreciate a particular form and style over others…

I wish I could be like a sage. One who gives up all material possessions, all attachments, all chains, all desires and ambitions... and just goes and sits on top of a mountain. Calm, tranquil, peaceful with no care in the world or for the world. I don't know if that's how sages were like... but that's the impression I have and I wish I could be one. Just embrace peace, tranquillity, serenity... as if nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things. If you think about it, nothing does. As they say, the king and the pawn go back into the same box tomorrow. Yet we hoard. Seems rather pointless when you think about it. The humungous number of things a body has to keep track of just to survive from day to day. It's like a hotel which you never check into, but you have to do everything to earn your room, your meal, your right to stay. The dishes, the laundry, the job, the taxes, the bank, the phone connection, the housing, the healthcare, the visa... the myriad things on a never-ending list. And you have to be on top of it all. All the time. The machine must be oiled all the time to keep it running. And that's where I really envy the sage of olden times. It's no wonder they could meditate. They did not have to think of a constant stream of things that the more you cross out, the more they queue up. Doesn't it seem like we have made existence very complicated? The real things, the beautiful things, the joyful, fulfilling things are what you have to snatch out of the clutches of the machine really... You do not ask to be a part of the scheme, but you cannot not be a part of it. Unless you are a sage. And I doubt even sages today could be what they used to be. If they can completely check out of this hotel. Maybe the trick is to find a way to be this sage right in the thick of it. To not let the machine run you so to speak. To find the mountain inside you as the cliche goes. But how does one do this...?

An annoying exchange happened while I was at Manchester airport on the way back from Copenhagen. I do not have to tell you that I am a highly anxious and highly strung person when I am not in my comfort zone. And if there is one place that's the very opposite of my comfort zone, it is the airport. Everything about the airport, from all the random rules and regulations, to the arbitrary checks and scrutinies particularly for nationalities like mine, to the new technologies introduced that make things only more complicated than they have to be, long queues and waits,... everything really makes me a nervous wreck. But for all that, I was quite happy to finally be in this queue to finish up the border control procedures at Manchester airport before heading homewards. There was this young Indian couple right ahead of me. The woman went to the booth first. The guy was standing there for his turn. An official at a booth farther away waved to the guy to come forward. He didn't seem to notice so I said to him that he was being called. As his back was facing me, it was unlikely he heard me. So I had to tap his backpack and tell him. It's quite possible my voice was hurried or urgent which to me seems perfectly natural in a situation like this. He looked around with a sour expression and as he walked away to that booth, said to me in a very condescending tone and gesture: 'chill', 'relax'. I was completely thrown away by this utterly unexpected and unkind remark, and looked behind me at the Chinese lady who must have witnessed all this. She too shared my bemusement. I couldn't help overthink my own actions all the way back—what had I done wrong? It seems to me the chap should have actually thanked me for drawing his attention. I didn't really need to. My expression and tone might have been hurried because I was seeing the official waving at us, but it certainly wasn't rude. 

I know I should just ignore the whole thing because it does not deserve my headspace. But being the sensitive person I am, whenever I am made to feel guilty, I cannot help reflect on whether I merit the charge in some way. I know I am neither a 'relaxed' nor a 'chill' sort of person by constitution. A lot of things that come very easily to most people require a tremendous amount of energy, effort, and struggle from me (and there are some things that come very easily to me that many others might consider difficult). I try to do what I can to do my difficult things. Mostly I try to do them without help because very few will understand my difficulties. Like going into a restaurant with a very different food ordering and catering system. Sounds like 'no big deal', right? Well, it is for me! Obviously, that makes me very unrelaxed and unchill in my head in certain situations that are par for the course for most. I try as much as I can to not transfer my anxieties to others. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I am too overwhelmed. Which is why when someone says something like this, it can hurt on many levels... Like I have failed in spite of all the hidden work...

I'm sure the balanced part of my brain will kick in soon and I will be back to embracing the totally unrelaxed, unchill person that I am. I'd rather be too much rather than too little or chill any day ;)

I went to see this attraction called 'The Little Mermaid' out here in Copenhagen. Reading the online description, a smallish sculpture of a womanly figure on a rock in the water facing the promenade, I knew it wasn't something I was particularly keen on. There are many things I am not fascinated by that people seem to be. But there is always this pressure to like what they like, do what they do. I was asked by different friends if I had been to see the little mermaid. You can't tell them, no, I haven't, because I don't really feel that excited about it. Instead, you have to at least pretend to want to see it. You know, because everybody does? Because how can you know beforehand you won't enjoy it? Because that's a major sightseeing spot? etc. That's what they'll tell you.

Sometimes I feel like a spectator watching a show when I am around hordes of people. Like an alien from another planet. I see all these performances, displays, tricks, games, fakeries, masks... People at the little mermaid were busy taking photos, selfies, so on. It was so crowded with tourists, all of them trying to do the same thing. I did too. I was there for the express purpose of showing people I visited it ;) I had ticked the box! And that made me think about how much of our lives are spent ticking boxes for other people. We get so used to it that perhaps we don't even know anymore, what is it that ticks my box? It's hard to live a life doing things that tick your own unique boxes because people will always make you feel like you are ‘missing out’ if you aren't ticking theirs, if you are following your own drumbeat so to speak... But it is still worth it, compared to the alternative, I’d think.

I am in Copenhagen for a work conference. Travelling is one of those things that is most disruptive to my routines. And yet there is something about some types of travel that I love. Something that sometimes compensates for all the trouble. I suppose there is a sense of experiencing another world, another life, another way of being, an-other whom I would never ordinarily meet...

One of the things I have found very striking—and perhaps need to find out why it is so—is people in Copenhagen speak English almost as if it’s a first language. For a traveller that makes many things pretty simple.

Some moments...

I asked the coordinator person at the airport train station which station might be close to such and such hotel. He says, "I stay at home, not at a hotel, I will need to check on the phone." He was quite matter of fact and not rude. I found his answer quite dry and funny actually (though unlike a British person who might have been deliberately doing dry humour, his face suggested he was just stating facts... hehe)

I pressed a button to a level on the lift to get a change of train. I had my suitcase with me and was on my way to my hotel. As I started moving out of the lift, one lady called after me that this wasn't the street level. I told her I had to get another train. I thought that was nice of her to go out of her way to stop me from getting off at the wrong floor?!

I was getting myself some lunch at the conference centre. The young person at the counter asked me if I wanted the Danish cake. I was eyeing it quite a bit because it was unusual­—brown, round shaped, rolled in sesame type sprinkles. She said it had rum. I decided not to go for it. I went for the large cookie instead. She wrapped it in a small paper cover. The cover looked thin. I asked if I could get another cover (just in case I needed to put it in my bag). She said you'll have to pay for it. Then suddenly said she was joking... took me by surprise!

Another one in a bakery (yes, I have been walking into any and every bakery I can lay my eyes on ;)). I saw very very huge bees circling some of the Danish pastries in this shop. I couldn't help point out to the person at the counter. She said honeybees are common over here. Then she said I shouldn't worry as she was giving me the croissant from a covered area behind the counter. I was still a little confused by the bee image ;)

The cardamom croissant I got had a subtle bitter aftertaste. I also had a mandarin flavoured ice cream which turned out to be bitter. I chose the flavour because I expected tangy sour stuff. I wasn't told it would be bitter. Who expects any ice cream flavour to be bitter?! :( Kind of made me think of how different cultures have their own unique flavour profile...

I treated you

Like a cup

The one

I use

For tea

Every day

How I love it

Or I wouldn't

Call upon it

For the best ritual

Of my day

But

Would it know?

Being used and rinsed

Morning after morning

As if

It was nothing

But a usable

Thing

It perhaps

Could never tell

The place

It holds

How its

Delicate, fragile, lovely

Contours

Cradled warmly

Brightened

My soul

Now

I behold you

Like the

Sacred statue

Up there

Atop a pedestal

Not to be

Called upon

Unless

To pray

Or worship

Ask for

Divine guidance

Not

As often

Or without

Grand occasion

As my

Favourite cup

And then too

I tremble

At a

Distance

Approach

Gingerly

Almost

Fearfully

What if

Some wayward

Word

Or gesture

Arouse

Your ire

Or worse still

Turn you

Away...  

~Me

I was just reading this story about a man who survived the Titanic, was asked to amputate his leg because he had a frostbite from the icy water, refused it, and went on to become a world tennis champion. I am amazed not just at the resilience and grit to survive and achieve success from such a difficult point but also struck by the confidence or faith or whatever it was that made him refuse the amputation. The risk involved in refusing what might have been an expert opinion to simply trust his own intuition or gut. I feel immensely inspired by this especially at this moment when I am reflecting on my own very low tolerance of risk and uncertainty... and how that causes tremendous anxiety for me whenever I am put in a situation where I have to make a decision that could be potentially risky. But when I look back on my life, I also feel I have actually made many decisions that most people would think are very risky. Such as the decision to leave everything... job, emotional bonds, support systems, stability, familiarity... all the things that ground me fundamentally... to come here where I had nothing and no one.

I am not at all what might be called an adventurous person who gets a kick out of the unknown. I'll take the known every day of my life and I will not be bored. And yet I took the risk to give up all that I know at one point... though I did not have to. So there must be something more in me. It is not that I do not take risks or do not venture into uncertainty. But perhaps it's natural to feel this tremendous turmoil given how much I like stabilities and certainties. It was not easy to make that decision then though I have forgotten just how difficult it was. And it is not easy to make these kinds of decisions now. It is perhaps my subconscious or intuition working out everything, weighing up pros and cons, pushing through all possibilities to see future outcomes... It takes a toll. Maybe it's a good thing too compared to simply jumping in headfirst without making any calculations...

So folks, I don't want to keep you on a cliffhanger ;) The story since my last post has undergone some dramatic twists and turns with resolution still not in the clear. Suffice to say that I might be back in business, or in 'the house'. Or I might not! The funny thing is that having once been made to accept that I will not have 'the house', the possibility of it actually working out either way now is something I am finding much easier to digest. Once having made peace with the fact that it's definitely not to be, I am facing the possibility of it materializing (or not) with a lot more equanimity. I suppose a big part of it is that I am a 'worst case scenario' person. Unlike other people who look at the best possibilities in any situation, I hope for the best but always keep the worst in mind. I have to admit that with 'the house' thing I had become lulled into hope. I had not expected the worst. When I got the news, I started getting to grips with what it meant the whole entire day. I even thought that the very fact I wanted it so much should have been indication enough that I wasn't going to... I came to a painful kind of acceptance, maybe even a cynical one, that anything that looked too good to be true was probably so in my case. When the very next morning I got another news that maybe it was going to happen after all... imagine the roller coaster of feelings! But... there was a big difference. In the space of that one day, the hopeful enthusiastic me was gone. Things are still up in the air now. But I am okay if it happens, okay if not.

Practically speaking, I am going to shift someplace temporarily even while 'the house' situation works itself out. Not my favourite situation to be in and one I have been trying my darndest to avoid. Let's hope it all ends well ;)