A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
-- Louisa May Alcott.
...........hmmm....that more or less describes my situation !!

 
War

Here dead lie we because we did not choose
To live and shame the land from which we sprung.
Life, to be sure, is nothing much to lose;
But young men think it is, and we were young.

--A. E. Housman
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 9:33 AM

 
It's that time of the year again. Time to plan for tax savings (that's if you bother to plan these painful things when there's time enough to plan). Reminds me of this really funny quote I read recently:

"The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love." :)
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 9:06 AM

 
I remember an anecdote in Jerome K. Jerome’s Three Men in a Boat where the chap has a tendency to imagine that he suffers from the symptoms of any disease he happens to read about or hear about. I suffer from a similar tendency, though maybe not in so high a degree! There was a time when plague hit the headlines, and though I cautiously avoid reading the newspapers, one morning my eye accidentally hit on it. I was curious to know about this plague thing, but before I had known all about it, I had a sinking feeling I had it. I was suffering from the plague, I was pretty sure. The symptoms could hardly be mistaken. Nothing really came of it though; I used to practice my last dying words in the privacy of my bedroom—what a waste!

Knowing my weakness or whatever one may call it, I try not to familiarise myself with the intricacies of the medical lexicon. A doctor once told me, “Half knowledge is dangerous” (am ashamed to admit I hinted to her in a weak moment of what dire malady I suspected myself of having). I have taken her advice seriously ever since and decided to be ignorant. I have very little knowledge of how the body works; if you ask me to feel my pulse, chances are I won’t know where to find it; if you ask me to clutch my kidney, chances are I will have but a vague idea of its location. I have very little knowledge of how medicines work; if you ask me to have a crocin or a prucin, I shall blindly follow your advice, provided you’re a doctor of course! Bottom line is, I don’t really have a clue, and I feel it’s better that way, because if I did have half a clue, I guess it would not do me much good.

I have come across a lot of people who absolutely relish talking about their health problems. Backaches, heartaches, sprains, colds, and what have you, they will give you a detailed list of all they have been suffering and before you think of a way to escape the lengthy harangue, they would have started on their neighbour and the friendly neighborhood dog. I am a little wary of speaking to such people. I am one of those who hide their faces behind their palms when a surgery or operation happens on TV. As a kid, I would wait for the operation to get over and the doctor to come out of the room and say “isse ab dawa ki nahin dua ki zaroorat hai” …or … “humne toh bahut koshish ki magar hum so and so ko nahin bacha paye” before I would open my eyes. Talking to the above mentioned people is a trauma for one of my type, as you can imagine. They will explain the details of a medical procedure or the exact nuance of someone’s bodily suffering in such clear and excruciating detail, that short of actually plastering their mouth, you will do everything to change the damn topic.

I personally rarely speak about any illness or sickness I’m suffering from (purely out of consideration for others like me who would rather be spared the bare facts of the case). If I have a cold, I rarely go out of my way to tell people about it. If asked though, I admit to the fact, and hurriedly divert to a different subject. If I have something minor but irritating, say a swollen foot, and I am looking for some general advice, I am in a fix. I obviously have to go to someone who professes some knowledge of these confounded things, and I obviously have to prepare myself to hear a lot more apart from the exact insight I’m looking for. I’m guessing this is how a butcher feels when wringing a chicken’s neck—nauseating but it’s got to be done to get the meat. (I may be transferring my own sensibilities to the butcher; I have practically no idea of what a butcher feels or if he feels at all)

I’m sure there’s much to be said about being aware of one’s body and how to take good care of it, not being wholly dependent on outside agencies for advice or help, and to be abreast of what’s happening in the world of medicine. But like I said, I’m better off being a novice! …A good friend of mine, who quite contrastingly, is heavily into all this and loves to explore health and related issues, has started a blog on the topic. His last post on ‘water’, and whether we are having enough of it or too much, reminds me of a joke—

“One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"

The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 11:13 PM

 
Ambalapady… after a long time, I thought of my favourite place…nostalgic memories came bounding back…my mom has planted almost a whole garden outside the French window of our house…this little shrub of greenery is reminding me of Mangalore and our ancestral home in Ambalapady which is all but locked up, for want of inhabitants…I keep feeling that as time goes by, we go further and further away from our roots—to be closer to what, I don’t know…

Speaking of memories, I watched U, Me Aur Hum yesterday. The central character suffers from Alzheimer’s. After a point, she cannot even remember her dear ones. I found it extremely tragic. Not so much for her, but for the people she loved. Imagine looking into the eyes of the person you love to death, to not see even a spark of recognition. They say only God can understand God’s ways …I have to agree; I can’t.

We were having a very interesting conversation the other day in office (a mini break that wasn’t really mini, in spite of meaningful hints from the Boss). A colleague of mine bumped onto this site that told you what were in your past life. That’s how it all started. We went onto discussing if there is such a thing as ‘past life’ or ‘rebirth’.

I think I have mentioned this in a post before on this blog that I instinctively veer towards the idea of rebirth. I have no idea what tilts me towards this belief, but I find it worth exploring…

A related idea I find interesting is that people are born with a baggage of knowledge and experience gained from previous births. That is why some people (or souls) appear to be more ‘evolved’ or ‘wiser’ than others. This one may argue is because of better education or intelligence or wider experience, but it is not the ‘worldly wisdom’ that we speak of—it is an intuitive wisdom; it is a wisdom that ‘just knows’, without being related to anything one has learnt in this life.

Another idea I have read about and find interesting is—the ‘instant connection’ we feel with certain people. A bond that seems difficult to define. What do we call it? They say it is some shared history, some former association that sparks the feeling of familiarity and bonding. They call it a ‘karmic connection’…as if nature itself brings people together.

These things are certainly strange and bizarre when you think about them … they have no root in reality as we define it or as we are capable of analyzing … but I wonder…how little we really know of life…and how many possibilities exist…
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 10:07 AM

 
A very common question I encountered, in those school/college scrapbook things, is "what is the most embarrassing moment of your life?" I remember not knowing what exactly to write in this section, because I never seemed to have had occasion to be embarrassed to the point that I would actually remember the incident for later reference. Not so surprising too, because being extremely sensitive to embarrassment, especially public ones, I was careful not to get into scrapes which could likely have embarrassing outcomes.

What happened yesterday though will certainly go down as the most embarrassing moment of my life (had it happened earlier, those scrapbooks shouldn't have had one section empty). I wished either the earth would swallow me or the heavens would open up and gobble me.

To begin at the beginning. I was nominated for a prize along with a certain other person. The name of this other person was announced first as the first nomination and as I understand now, my name was announced next. Due to some disturbance in my hearing or some trick played by the Gods themselves (hah, she certainly deserves to have one embarrassing moment in life! I imagine they said), I was deceived into thinking that my name was announced as the winner instead of as the nominee. I got up from my seat and almost went up to the prize distributor. Imagine my surprise, consternation, embarassment, dejection, horror, shock.....when I noted that everyone instead of smiling or cheering, was staring awkwardly at me! ugh!! I returned to my seat trying to keep my face as grave as possible without actually resembling the graveyard. All would have been okay if I actually did receive the prize, but I didn't. It must have been one of the most embarrassing (I said that before) and toughest moments of my life, to carry on as if nothing had happened (the moment I was all alone, I cried a hearty cry).

Were I essentially a prize lover sort of person, I could have probably calmed myself more easily. But to not be awfully enamoured of such things, and yet to come across as an over-excited creature…well!

Funny though it might sound, I have to admit I have been dying of embarrassment every time am replaying the incident in my head (which must be every five minutes). This episode has made me think, not that I haven’t thought of it before, that I take myself and things too seriously at times. I guess I look at falling down or goofing up as a damage to my dignity… but guess dignity is not about not making mistakes, it’s more about making them and taking them gracefully… and I guess I should try to be, as I keep saying to myself, less afraid of making mistakes, less afraid of opening myself to strange or unfamiliar challenges, to possible embarrassments… I may fall… but it’s not one who doesn’t ever fall, but the one who keeps falling and in the process learning, who emerges a more enlightened and even a happier individual.
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 6:49 AM

 
But true love is a durable fire,
In the mind ever burning,
Never sick, never old, never dead,
From itself never turning.
-- Sir Walter Raleigh

Wish you all a very Happy Valentine’s Day!
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 7:31 AM

 
Have you read the story of the Emperor’s New Clothes? I had it as a lesson in school and it is one of those stories I have never forgotten.

I feel that most people tend to exhibit the behaviour shown by the Emperor’s subjects in the story. Let me first summarise the story (the details may be hazy).

Once upon a time (how I love stories that start like this!), there was an Emperor who wanted a new suit of clothes. A tailor offered to make the clothes from a very special piece of cloth that would be visible to all but the really foolish. The news of this magical dress spread far and wide throughout the kingdom. Finally, the day dawned when the Emperor was to present himself in a formal procession in his new finery. Thousands of subjects flocked to see him. When the Emperor made his appearance, there was pin drop silence. Soon after, loud comments of praise started ringing from different quarters. Someone praised some aspect of his dress and someone praised another. All in all, there was general agreement about how regal and majestic the Emperor looked and how the new clothes really became him. At this point, a little child was heard crying out in the crowd, “The Emperor isn’t wearing any clothes!”

I feel that most people, out of fear of being deemed foolish or in a minority, tend to keep their real opinions secret and follow whatever the majority appear to be thinking or saying. They do not give any credence to their own opinions or thought, do not analyse what they really feel about the matter, and even if they do know what they really feel, when they find it to be non-conforming, or out of tune with how others seem to feel, they keep silent. I find this attitude extremely troublesome, because what it essentially means, is that certain actions are taken or certain opinions followed, without a careful evaluation of any opposing lines of thought—because nobody dares to oppose. What is even more dangerous, is that those who do try opposing or coming up with any contrary views, find themselves in a dismal minority, find themselves to be looked upon with disfavour, and probably, over a period of time, become one of the aye-sayers!

I was reading some management related concepts the other day, and chanced upon one that talks about this. It is called the Abilene Paradox.

An excerpt from the source—

“The name of the phenomenon comes from an anecdote in the article which Harvey uses to elucidate the paradox:

On a hot afternoon visiting in Coleman, Texas, the family is comfortably playing dominoes on a porch, until the father-in-law suggests that they take a trip to Abilene [53 miles north] for dinner. The wife says, "Sounds like a great idea." The husband, despite having reservations because the drive is long and hot, thinks that his preferences must be out-of-step with the group and says, "Sounds good to me. I just hope your mother wants to go." The mother-in-law then says, "Of course I want to go. I haven't been to Abilene in a long time."

The drive is hot, dusty, and long. When they arrive at the cafeteria, the food is as bad. They arrive back home four hours later, exhausted.

One of them dishonestly says, "It was a great trip, wasn't it." The mother-in-law says that, actually, she would rather have stayed home, but went along since the other three were so enthusiastic. The husband says, "I wasn't delighted to be doing what we were doing. I only went to satisfy the rest of you." The wife says, "I just went along to keep you happy. I would have had to be crazy to want to go out in the heat like that." The father-in-law then says that he only suggested it because he thought the others might be bored.

The group sits back, perplexed that they together decided to take a trip which none of them wanted. They each would have preferred to sit comfortably, but did not admit to it when they still had time to enjoy the afternoon.”
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 11:45 PM

 
"I mean, what is an un-birthday present?"
"A present given when it isn't your birthday, of course."
Alice considered a little. "I like birthday presents best," she said at last.
"You don't know what you're talking about!" cried Humpty Dumpty. "How many days are there in a year?"
"Three hundred and sixty-five," said Alice.
"And how many birthdays have you?"
"One."
--Lewis Carroll (in Through the Looking Glass)

I love birthday presents best too, especially today, because I get to receive them! :)
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 12:23 AM

 
It’s the season to be merry, it’s a season full of joy, it’s the season when the heart grows happy, though it knows not really why! :) (ahem, I’m in a ditty mood)

It’s that time of the year again and like every time, it brings a smile to me. I happened to bump into the Capricorn characteristics (by the way, I am keenly interested in astrology!) on a page on MSN, and one of the things it said about a Capri was “A Capricorn loves nothing more than holidays such as Christmas that bring people together with a variety of activities". I would have to admit it’s true.

Talking about fun activities—me and my colleagues planned a Secret Santa gift exchange for Christmas. I love playing Secret Santa; for one, I love giving and receiving gifts, and two, I love solving mysteries! Even so, I never expected it to be as enjoyable and exciting as it turned out to be. The very day we drew names, there was much guessing about who is whose Secret Santa. The next day, I got a mail from my Secret Santa (from an email ID called Secret Santa!) giving me a clue about his/her identity. My excitement knew no bounds! I was also told I would be given a clue every day, till the day of the official gift exchange (which was the 21st). When I told the others in office, there was more excitement, and from then on till five days later on 21st, the first thing we did in office was to read my mail and try to decipher who my Secret Santa could be based on the latest clue. The grand finale on 21st turned out a huge surprise and a really nice one at that!

I guess all of us like the idea of a Santa out there, who brings us gifts and makes us happy. I guess, in a way, God is also something like a Santa figure—one who we can pray to, and who will make our wishes come true. The other day someone was saying, that as kids, they would hang stockings at night and find them full of gifts in the morning—they grew up to realize it was their parents playing Santa. But what are parents if not Santas? (though they’re not always jolly like the good old man!). hmm…there have been many Santas in my life too in that sense…and am feeling like thanking all of them…for bringing the gift of friendship, good cheer, happiness, warmth, and all those goodies that are far more precious than the material ones…into my life.

Wish everyone a very merry Christmas and a wonderfully bright New Year! :)
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 4:03 AM

 
The CD-DVD drive of my laptop conked off recently! If one knows me a little, one would know that this is a calamity of no small proportions for me. I palpitate to think of what may be wrong, why did it go wrong, who can set it right, and will it ever be right—I guess it's called fear of the unknown :(

My affinity with electronic items is extremely weak, to say the least. My friends however say that I only pretend, because I have some of the most "hi-fi" electronic gadgets (they say). I would only so far agree that when I "do" go for some electronic thingie (as with anything for that matter), I do buy the best there is in the budget I have. It's nothing to do with hi-fi-ness or anything—because, frankly, I use only the most obvious features—but more to do with ensuring am buying good quality (like I said, if it conks off or something, I shall suffer mini heart attacks till it's back on its feet).

I am waiting for my poor dear laptop to come back from the Service Centre now...

Been reading Frueud's Psychoanalysis and Feynman's Surely, You're Joking. Interesting, both.

I read about a phenomenon in Psychoanalysis that I had never delved into before. It's the "slip of the tongue". What it says is that a slip of the tongue is in most cases not a meaningless act; it has meaning and indicates a parallel thought process. I found this intriguing, though when I think about it, and even when I analyse the slips of tongue I make, I find it difficult to be convinced that "most" of these cases are meaningful. Most times, I can detect no connection or thread or meaning or cross intention.

I can think of one kind of slip that I usually make or stop myself from making at the very nth minute. It is that sometimes when I am going to mail a person or ping a person, I may accidentally (slip!) write the name of the person I'm right then thinking of, in the To field, instead of the name of the person I am intending to write to. Here the conclusion is that while the conscious mind intended to write to person A, the subconscious mind was ruminating about something related to person B, and I type the name of person B which is contrary to my conscious intention.

Hmm...It does make me wonder though, if certain slips one makes, and which one absolutely cannot relate to consciously as one's subconscious thought, can actually be residing in one's subconscious? A bit scary to think of...what if someone said kissed instead of missed—does that mean they were thinking of kissing someone while talking of missing the bus? (all unbeknown to themselves!)
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 8:30 AM

 
A dear friend, in the course of correspondence, happened to mention to me an oft-repeated quote "absence breeds fondness". To which I agreed, but couldn’t help countering with another equally oft-repeated quote "out of sight, out of mind".

Not too long ago I had comes across two lines that I absolutely loved, and that sum up how I feel about this matter on the whole. Here goes --

"Absence is to love what wind is to fire,
It extinguishes the small and enkindles the great."

If I were asked to devise a test of friendship or love, I would say it would have to be "separation" (albeit a temporary one). As they say, if he comes back, he is yours. If he doesn’t, he never was! :)
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 9:16 AM

 
Nothing much been happening worth the writing.

I have never been comfortable sharing private thoughts/reflections on my blog, but it was far easier to do when I started out...these days I find myself thinking far too much. Maybe the fact that more and more people know about my blog makes me more conscious; it defeats the purpose of the blog to some extent.

I have been reading many views/opinions/articles for quite some time now on the kind of junk proliferating in the name of blogs and who would want to read such junk anyway, etc. Definitely makes one think. As to what I think—blogs are meant to be a personal space, a diary—what people write in their diaries, junk or otherwise, should not be a point open to judgement. The next question, quite logical, is why do people take to writing these diaries in the online medium? You write trash in your diary; nobody reads it but you. Why would you subject this trash to the world's eyes, if not to find a doting audience? And if you expect to find an audience, doesn't it suggest that the worth of what you write is far more than "trash" in your eyes? There's the catch. One man's trash may be another man's truffle? (I just made that up!). Coming to my point, at least the way I personally feel about it—one looks forward to discovering like-minded people, like-feeling people, people with whom one can relate to, with whom one strikes a common chord—and not an audience.

I have myself come across blogs that made me wonder about their existence (and sometimes the author's). Forget about relating, I could tear my hair at the juvenility of it all. But, who am I to complain or cry "crap"? As Voltaire said, "I do not agree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to say it".

The funny thing is: blogs are not obliged to represent facts or live up to the expectations of their readership. They can be themselves, silly, boring, titillating, or totally false. Compare them with today’s mainstream media—which carries a heavy responsibility and which the public looks up to for the “truth”—and it appears there’s not much difference anyway!
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 8:54 AM

 
Ranjani has tagged me to share "8 things about myself". I have once before done a tag on five of my topmost quirks... so maybe I'll try to make this non-quirky? :)

hmm...here goes...

1. I am keenly interested in astrology. Not so much forecasts or predictions, but personality characteristics. The star sign is one of the first few things I tend to ask about a person!

2. I am geographically-challenged (if there is such a word!). I have a very good memory in general, but somehow its worse than pathetic when it comes to remembering places. I have always joked that I could get lost in my own backyard :(

3. I am more fond of old people than I am of kids! When I was a kid, my grandmother used to call me "vodlimai" which means "grandmother" (in Konkani). I had this habit of sitting among all the old ladies and listening to their gossip!

4. That brings me to this point -- I love talking and conversing and debating and gossiping and... people who don't know me well enough, would never suspect it, because I come across as a person of few words! (the only exception to this rule, I can't make small talk -- not for the life of me!)

5. I have this thing for completing things; I hate leaving something half-finished, even if it's an activity I don't particularly like. I also prefer to finish it myself; don't let others.

6. I have a special affinity for the number 7; I thought it was just my thought, but it's uncanny how the number keeps popping up. For example, the numerical values of my name add up to the number 7!

7. I always find it difficult to close a phone call; I somehow feel it would appear rude. I most often wait for the other party to talk of hanging up.

8. I am very bad at aiming at things (or at least, I think so). I am bad at games where you've got to aim -- table tennis or even carrom! I am also bad at multi-tasking with my limbs -- or maybe it's just my excuse for not being confident enough to drive :(
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 9:26 AM

 
I’m into a new mode of cooking these days — baking! All thanks to the new “convection” microwave we’ve got.

Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to bake stuff at home, and now that we’ve got the oven, I’m letting my fantasies loose, so to speak! :)

Last weekend I made Nakhatai and Pizza! Both turned out great, except that the Nankhatais were slightly crumbly in texture. I’ve decided that I added less flour than I should, so next time it should be pretty perfect. Then yesterday, I made this thing called Banana Bread (check out all the pictures here!). I had never had this delicacy before, but this is the thing: if, when I read a recipe, my mind conjures up a delicious image before me, I am more or less sure the recipe is good, and if it doesn’t manage to conjure this image, then I feel there’s something either missing or wrong with the recipe. Also, I tend to browse through many recipes of the same dish before fixing on one — on one hand I may get confused because it becomes more difficult to decide which is better, but on the other I am sure I haven’t fixed on one which is way off the mark.

My mom has somehow decided to make me the microwave cook in the house (just another of her ways to get me cooking more often). The microwave came with a free cookery class, which of course I was made to attend. The lady who conducted the class has been doing it for 10 years apparently; a Sindhi lady with a heavy school teachery air. One fellow attendee started asking a question when the pizza base with cheese and all toppled from our Sindhi lady’s hands and fell smack face down the floor. After that episode, she barked on anyone bothering to interrupt. I had personally many questions to ask, for one, why did my biscuits turn out crumbly? But frankly, I wasn’t brave enough. Thought I’d wait after class, when any insults would be dealt in private.

I am looking forward to trying out quite a few new things; next in line is grilled chicken! I have never made any non-veg except prawns before, that too, because the prawns came all pre-packaged, and all one had to do was dip them into the gravy. Chicken is a different ballgame, am sure, but am guessing I need to start now if am ever going to start :(
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 10:46 PM

 
We’re moving into a new house next week. We have lived in this house ever since I was two — when my parents relocated to Bombay from Mangalore.

I’m going to miss this house very much…needn’t say…

The new house is pretty close to this one; just a few blocks away in fact. Probably this is why I am not feeling as emotional as otherwise I would. Though the house itself will be different, the surroundings, the familiar sights, the shops, lanes (everything amidst which we have grown up) will be around (It may not be a big surprise that I had a big hand in selecting this house!)

As of now, we’re waiting for the renovation in the new house to get completed. Our current house is in a mess because some of the movable things have been dismantled and taken to the new house. The computer (and accessories) are all laid out on the floor (hence been avoiding using it).

This is probably one of the biggest changes in my life so far — I will have to get used to calling a different house ‘home’…

I must say I’m excited too…looking forward to all the trials and travails of packing and moving and settling …promises to be both chaotic and fun! :)
posted by Sylvia D'souza at 7:36 AM