"There is always a suspicion - even if it is put to sleep and dormant for a time - that one is living a lie or a mistake; that something crucially important has been overlooked, missed, neglected, left untried and unexplored; that a vital obligation to one’s own authentic self has not been met, or that some chances of unknown happiness completely different from any happiness experienced before have not been taken up in time and are bound to be lost forever..."

~ Zygmunt Bauman, Liquid Modernity

Increasingly I realise that when I try to take a decision that demands standing up to people it creates so much negative energy that I end up regretting it. I feel as if I could have simply taken the path of least resistance and retained my mental peace. The funny thing is when I do this in situations that are relatively low priority for me and where apart from it being the right decision in itself it doesn't really bring any material benefit for me. If anything, it puts me at a disadvantage because it leads to unnecessary friction with people and it leads to emotional disturbance.

So why do I do this? And is it even worth doing it? I guess this goes to Aristotle's dictum that excellence is not a singular act but a habit. Character or excellence in that sense is moulded in the everyday actions or decisions that one takes whether they bring one profit or loss and if I took right actions only because it was advantageous to me or I anticipated feeling good or that people wouldn't be antagonised then it wouldn't be right action at all. Even though I don't gain anything by it and it causes me temporary mental/emotional discomfort I suppose it does reinforce my character. It does make me in the act itself a person who does what they believe in in spite of being coerced to the contrary or in spite of the risk of losing relationships.

I have come to the conclusion that in today's world most relationships are built on a subtle agreement to look the other way if things don't agree with your own values or points of view. The more you master the art of looking away, the better your relationships, and vice versa. To me there is no ground for a relationship when one doesn't see eye-to-eye on fundamental things so it's not like I am not afraid of losing the relationship... it's just that I am wired such that I can't even have a relationship worth valuing if some core ingredients aren't present. In any case, what's the point of securing other people at the cost of losing oneself...?