I did something impulsive. I have no idea what got into me to do this because if a week ago you had asked me, I had no intention to do it. Even a day before I did it if you had asked me, the idea hadn't crossed my mind. I made the decision in a flash. Very strange for me, yes. So I have gone and joined a beginner's Chinese language class! Complete beginner. The fact is even in China I never thought to myself that, you know what, it would be nice to speak Chinese. I suppose I always thought of Chinese a bit like I think of the Himalayas. Too great to be scaled. But in this split minute when I made the decision, when I really toyed with the idea in earnest for the first time rather than passing by the Himalayas category, I realised that a language does not require me to move my body. No physical exercise or strain of any kind involved at all. It's the mind and the vocal cords and even if I don't grasp it, it can't exactly be painful? you get my logic? And I have to say the fact that the class is at 12ish noon had a lot to do with it. Had it been at 10.00ish, I would have put it back into the Himalayas box. Had it been at 6.00ish in the evening, I would have decided I don't have that kind of time to spare. 12.00 happens to be a sweet spot. Which made me think, and you people are by now used to me bringing in the metaphysical into the mundane, it made me think that the universe is waving to me here. I am not making the mistake of not waving back ;)

My first class was fun. It didn't let me down... hehe. My teacher (sounds nice to say that!) whom I will call Zhang (because I am guessing I am going to refer to this class off and on in the next 10 weeks) started the session with something that I found very amusing. She said we should excuse her if she pronounces our name wrong. I thought about how this gesture is normally performed by English speaking people calling out non-English names. I have myself started off this way in many of my classes. It was sort of refreshing to be on the other side of this divide. My class had about 7ish people though more might turn up in the next two classes we were told. We learnt the four tones in this class. The tones go flat, high, high-low, and low so something like... aaaah, aahh, aa-aa, ah. That’s the best I can explain. It reminded me of my Hindi and Marathi language classes in school though they are very different languages. We did have inflections like a aa ee eee uu uuu ehh ehh... etc. But I can't for the life of me remember how we moved from those sounds to actual words. My feeling is we knew how to speak before we knew these sounds and the connections were easy to make. Here it feels like we are grasping at sounds that for now mean nothing... which is why they are so hard to grasp! A bit like listening to a bird singing? 

There were one or two other interesting moments. One where 'zhang teacher' (that's the Chinese way it seems) shared this Chinese idiom, 'teacher for a day, father for life'. I sort of feel like we Indians would perhaps be more easily able to relate to this sentiment. We have this 'guru' figure in our culture who's a bit like a respected elder, on the same pedestal as one's parents. The way one worships one's parents, one worships such a figure... not in a detached western way.

There was another moment where Zhang teacher asked if anyone had been to China. There was me of course. But another person put up his hand and said he hadn't been there for very long. Teacher asked how long and he said he'd stopped over at Beijing and gone out for 5 hours. I am not sure why that tickled me...hehe...

At one point the teacher had a slide on Hofstede's cultural dimensions and a student asked what ‘power distance’ meant. I had to bite my tongue not to chip in. I have to keep reminding myself that I am not the teacher here ;) 

Would you rather have lived and died than never have lived at all? Not to be morbid or anything, but philosophically speaking, I think I'd rather not have lived at all. Either there is a nothingness before you were born and a nothingness after, or there is something blissful before and after which seems hard to believe. Perhaps it's a kind of neutral undifferentiated world consciousness we merge into as Indian philosophy says. Why would you trade that for this blip on earth with its excruciating choices, challenges, sufferings etc? Once you are here, you have to be fully committed, invested, present. But committed to what? It's a circus and not a particularly good one. If you are one of the monkeys or clowns, maybe you do not feel all this. You can genuinely be invested or committed because you are not even aware of your monkeyess or clownishness. You entertain people, make them laugh, you enjoy yourself, it looks all good. I can imagine you'd rather have this shot over here than go back to nothing. Some of us are not so lucky. I do not experience myself as a performer in this circus, but I am still forced to play a part. I stick around the sidelines, scared someone might push me in with the performing creatures. I try to enjoy the acts, but I cannot. I see through the masks, the facades, the games. The pointlessness really. I sometimes make connections with others like me who are spectators too. Outsiders looking in, trying to make sense of the circus, trying to figure out the meaning of it. But it's rare. Some of them are blessed with the ability to be outside and still enjoy the inside. They can laugh with the clown for a moment without becoming one. It doesn't threaten who they are. I wish I was that blessed too. That I did not have to be in this tight spot, as it were. Finding ways to work around the circus, fulfilling some role of my own. But it's not easy because the circus will keep pulling you into it. It's a constant fight to secure yourself, not give way. I suppose that's why you'd rather not have been put here... but you have been... so you must make what you can of it.

Doesn't it feel like we live our lives in the shadow of a possible future? A future that is always deferred, never quite here, always on the horizon, edging farther and farther away... perhaps until one day we realise there's not much of the road left. I feel this sense of deferral when I am making my decisions for the house... should I do this now or wait and see how I am placed in the next 2-3 years? Is this a good idea now, what if I want to do xyz in a few years? I don't mean one must make spot or impulsive decisions. What I mean is the future is always an unknown. I don't even know I will live past the year. Nothing is certain. When we live in this 'deferral' mode we are living for a time that might never arrive. How does one balance a future orientation with living in the present? How does one enjoy the present fully or do things to enjoy the present fully so that even if that horizon never appears... one has lived... to the extent one could have. I say 'could have' because as a reflective person I am never going to be completely about enjoyment or the moment. My joys are also of a different kind. They may be about a plush sofa where I do my thinking and writing than about going to a big bang concert. But whatever brings one joy, I suppose it's important to ask, would I rather have done that or said that or felt that etc—if all there was, is now.

I am on a mission over here. I decided I was going to spend time at a John Lewis and figure out some key pieces of furniture. As you folks know, my home is completely bare right now. Not even a chair. I have to admit this is a daunting mission for me. It became even more daunting after I actually visited said store. To say it's massive would be to make an understatement. I visited only the furniture floor and was I overwhelmed! Phew! Each piece is sooo exquisite... and also pretty solidly priced. If I were rich, it wouldn't be a problem at all. But when you have to make choices, it's absolutely excruciating. Especially if you are like me who if I love something, that's it. Doesn't matter if there are cheaper things around or other options. My heart is set, it knows what it does, and that's it. It won't budge ;)

But... of course I want to reassure myself that I have considered everything. So I went to an Ikea too. It was no match for the "thing" I liked at John Lewis... but I already knew it wouldn't be... hehe. There were other things though that I could get from here, so the visit was worth it.

I feel like if I have sorted some of this furniture stuff before I leave, it would have been a productive visit. I am starting to think that 'just relaxing' is not something I can do. I have to be checking boxes :( I am now just simmering in all the data I have gathered before making any final decisions… normally when I do this, the fog clears.

On another note, I am living at this AirBnB where the lady has two dogs. Actually only a small one but her daughter has left on a holiday and asked her to look after her big one too. I do not consider myself a dog person. But now I understand what the whole unconditional love of dogs and dogs are best friends stuff is all about. When I come home, the two dogs rush towards me. The big one nuzzles his nose on my leg. Initially I was a bit afraid but now I actually feel very warm and fuzzy. Here is a pic of them [The link goes to a picture blog I started ages ago and dropped soon after that. I thought it might not be a bad idea to use it occasionally when I want to share a picture like now]

The funny thing I feel about London ever since the very first time I visited it... which was a bit before I came to the UK for good... is the feeling of knowing this city like I had been here before, of feeling at home in a way that is not usual for me. I tend to feel anxious in unfamiliar places, I am on my guard, I have to make an effort to get around. But over here I don't feel any of that. Armed with a tube map, I happily make my way. There's a certain ease. I don't know why... It's a bit like when you meet certain people for the first time...and feel comfortable with them from the get-go.

Having said all that, I have to say that Lancaster has made me a bit averse to crowds and the fast life. I like to take it slow and easy now (not that I personally was ever into fast). On the tube it feels like everyone is getting somewhere... has a destination in mind... no one is idling by. People are determined to entertain themselves too. Walking the central streets like your Oxford etc, I got into some of the big stores and felt a disconnect, a lack of interest... not sure if this is the Lancaster influence, academia influence, or just growing older... but shopping doesn't excite me that much now. I used to be an avid shopper in my earlier days. I now wonder what would I do with this stuff? I have a ton of things I barely use…

There is one big change this time compared to all the last times. It's how I am spending my money. This is the first time since I have a job in the UK that I am in London. I am not a ‘student’. I decided I am not going to think twice about spending for food. In Lancaster I have a rather moderate lifestyle. I mostly cook and barely eat outside. So I sort of feel like I deserve it ;) Not just for being thrifty but even otherwise... coming to the other side and plodding on in many ways. If I do not reward me, who will? :)

Happy Easter, fellow travellers!