To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
~ Aristotle
Wednesday, September 11, 2019
 

I have mentioned quite often in the past few months how I am starting to relish my solitude. When I thought more about it I realised that I have actually always lived more inside my head than outside it. Childhood onwards be it school or college or work, my interactions with my family were limited to lunches/dinners on weekdays and a few more occasions on weekends. I would generally be ensconced in the bedroom with a book (we didn't have a separate bedroom for each kid but I imagine if we did I would have been practically invisible!) and ventured outside only for nourishment be it food or general conversation. I was never interested in the television especially in those days and my brother who was pretty much the master of the decision of what to watch preferred loud action movies which are the thing I wouldn’t watch if they were the only thing to watch on earth; other times Saas-Bahu (mother-in-law/daughter-in-law) sagas would go on for the benefit of my mom and I am not sure between action movies and Saas-Bahu soaps if I really could decide which was worse. Be that as it may, I enjoyed my books too much and I never experienced it as 'alone time'. I guess it wasn't in the typical sense of the word because I was conscious of being surrounded by family except that mentally I existed in a different world… it was perhaps like being in the best of both worlds at the same time.
I started integrating more within the everyday life of the family only in recent years... maybe the realisation crept up on me that I wouldn't have the emotional experience of living with my family for too long and I should enjoy it to the fullest extent while I can. The advent of Netflix also helped because my brother and I had more options that we could watch in common or more accurately knowing my distaste for action he was open to exploring other genres that might interest both him and I. Mystery for example is something I enjoy and it's something of an intellectual action movie so to speak (!) so he enjoys it too. 
Well, looking back now I feel that my whole life I have veered toward solitude rather than crowds and even when I enjoy being with people it’s perhaps selective people and in intermittent doses. It's rather difficult to explain to people who love being around people all the time how one can enjoy being solitary... but the truth is it never feels like being on one’s own because you are too busy with things or thoughts. I am constantly processing ideas inside my brain for my research… trying to make connections and find patterns and grab them in some written form before they go poof! … It is not that different from when I was a child mentally living in the world of books though I won’t deny that I miss having family around. There is an emotional strength one derives from the mere presence of loving people (who are mindful of not getting on your nerves ;)) and it’s something I very much miss.
Coming to my news, things are about to change for the worse. For reasons that are too many to get into here, I will start living in a shared accommodation space in a week or so. I am already feeling a little apprehensive about it as I am apprehensive about any change from my normal routine and this is a big change to put it mildly; apart from missing my solitude I am afraid of not being able to do many things the way I like doing them. The only positive thing one could say about this development is that it might offer me some diversion in the form of human conversation but whether that's welcome or not will really depend on the form it takes (conversation is something that I love having with the right kind of people but the ‘right kind’ is a very ‘rare kind’). I am hoping for the best but not holding my breath... and neither should you, dear reader!
What follows is a tongue-in-cheek take... :)


Ode to Solitude

Farewell, solitude
Here we part
Or shall I say
I do depart
Not out of choice
For nothing pleases me
More than you
But because I must
At this juncture
Find better pastures
To live and hope and dream
But fear thee not
‘tis temporary
Unlike capricious lovers
My word’s my bond
And once I have declared
Sweet allegiance
Never shall it be broken
Not now, not tomorrow
But for this little relapse
Whose cause is not my will
I might have gone your way
Yet I shall meet you still
Not quite tomorrow
But another day
Let your sweetness dull not till then
For I care for no company but you
Perverse luck pulls me away 
But we shall meet again
Soon


~Me

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 9:18 pm 0 comments
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