To Be or Not To Be

A little kingdom I possess,
Where thoughts and feelings dwell;
And very hard the task I find
Of governing it well.
~ Louisa May Alcott

...that more or less describes my situation!

~A Wise Man Said~

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
~ Aristotle
Saturday, September 12, 2020
 
The last of my housemates, the Chinese one, about whom I have written a few times, left today. I remember last year exactly at this time I had written about shifting from my solo house to this shared one and all my anxieties and worries about how it would be sharing with other people. Everything turned out much better than my expectations… till the pandemic struck. One by one they left and the only ones who remained, me and the Chinese girl, had a deep disagreement about safety measures in relation to the virus. I am quite cautious by nature and what is going on makes me extra cautious. She was also cautious but not as much as me and I think not having too long to stay in this country she wanted to make the most of it. If all this hadn’t happened maybe we wouldn’t have disagreed or been on bad terms, but who knows, maybe we still would have.

Today I am feeling a little sad though. I was living alone before and I am sure I will get used to it quickly but when a presence turns into absence you can’t help but mourn it. I sometimes even wonder if I was distancing myself deliberately over this disagreement so that when she left I wouldn’t feel all that bad. At a subconscious level it’s as if you are protecting yourself in some way… anyway she will leave so may as well prepare for it. The time I had in this house before the pandemic seems like a completely different world now… like all became dark and gloomy and quiet all of a sudden. I mourn for those days too in a way… The fact that I may never see her again seems odd to me. It’s almost when someone dies you know you will never see them again…in this case I might hear from them or read their messages at most but the chances of actually seeing each other in person are very dim. Our paths may never cross again. That gives me a weird, sad feeling. It also makes me regret that I did not mend things when I could have… but I realise that it’s just wishful thinking…

Hmm… so dear reader, I feel better pouring my heart out to you. It does feel heavier today… somehow I have been carrying on bravely in spite of everything… and having work has helped divert me in a good way… hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day… it always is…

posted by Sylvia D'souza at 1:13 am 0 comments
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