Recently something struck me when I was looking through the shelves at Marks and Spencer’s for my usual desert option, jam and cream horns. I tried to imagine the taste of this desert and I didn’t feel particularly stimulated or excited. I realised that I was going for it mainly because it is tried and tested. I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it spectacularly and in fact the last few times I have bought it I have almost felt… nothing. So why do I choose to buy it and not something different, something I have never tasted, something whose taste I can’t even imagine… maybe it would surprise me? Thus goaded, I pushed myself to buy something completely different, ended up buying a blueberry jam filled muffin, and was severely disappointed. I got my answer right there ;) The jam and cream horns may not take me to heaven for the nth time now but they won’t make me fall flat on earth either.

Since having this realisation, I have been consciously testing it on other stuff. I have this yearning for ice cream when I watch Netflix after dinner. It happens to be really late in the night say 1.00 am or so and I try to divert my thoughts to other things like fruit but my mind keeps conjuring the image of an ice cream. In spite of deciding to have it only over weekends almost every night I have to ward off thoughts of ice cream :( But when I try to consciously imagine the taste of ice cream I get the sense that I am almost compelled to think about it out of custom rather than because I actually want to have it.

I am not sure how to interpret this. I mean, I obviously do enjoy the jam and cream horns and ice cream—I take particular care to buy the exact brand and flavour of ice cream I like after all. But there’s something else to it and I can’t quite put my finger on it. It’s about sort of doing something for the sake of doing it because I have done it before. The buying or having a different thing feels quite distressful compared to the comfort of knowledge and routine; it’s like one is seeking that comfort rather than the thing itself.