Would you rather have lived and died than never have lived at all? Not to be morbid or anything, but philosophically speaking, I think I'd rather not have lived at all. Either there is a nothingness before you were born and a nothingness after, or there is something blissful before and after which seems hard to believe. Perhaps it's a kind of neutral undifferentiated world consciousness we merge into as Indian philosophy says. Why would you trade that for this blip on earth with its excruciating choices, challenges, sufferings etc? Once you are here, you have to be fully committed, invested, present. But committed to what? It's a circus and not a particularly good one. If you are one of the monkeys or clowns, maybe you do not feel all this. You can genuinely be invested or committed because you are not even aware of your monkeyess or clownishness. You entertain people, make them laugh, you enjoy yourself, it looks all good. I can imagine you'd rather have this shot over here than go back to nothing. Some of us are not so lucky. I do not experience myself as a performer in this circus, but I am still forced to play a part. I stick around the sidelines, scared someone might push me in with the performing creatures. I try to enjoy the acts, but I cannot. I see through the masks, the facades, the games. The pointlessness really. I sometimes make connections with others like me who are spectators too. Outsiders looking in, trying to make sense of the circus, trying to figure out the meaning of it. But it's rare. Some of them are blessed with the ability to be outside and still enjoy the inside. They can laugh with the clown for a moment without becoming one. It doesn't threaten who they are. I wish I was that blessed too. That I did not have to be in this tight spot, as it were. Finding ways to work around the circus, fulfilling some role of my own. But it's not easy because the circus will keep pulling you into it. It's a constant fight to secure yourself, not give way. I suppose that's why you'd rather not have been put here... but you have been... so you must make what you can of it.